And when you're gone, you're gone

You shift in your cocoon, unwilling to allow yourself to wake fully. You’d been having such an interesting dream - it had been about - arrg, you can’t remember. You remember it was nice, though. You close your eyes, hoping to sink back into the dream. 

Something taps your cocoon.

You try to ignore it, but it comes again. You grumble, accepting that you won’t be able to get back to sleep. You climb out of your cocoon, shivering as your wet clothes cling to your skin. The chill helps wake you up a bit, but you need to change into drier clothes quick - your sopor slime-soaked clothes are already dripping everywhere. Your lusus bumps your leg as you walk. 

???: V/\yeah, yeah, giVe me a second,/\V

You pull your shirt over your head as you walk, tossing it onto a pile of identical shirts in the corner. You reach into your clothing receptacle and grab a shirt and some pants, putting them on as your lusus bumps your leg again.

???: V/\all right, i get it, yoV missed me!/\V

???: V/\yoV act like i VVas gone for sVVeeps and not jVst asleep!/\V

You rub the salamander’s head, and it gurgles happily at you before breaking off and spinning around in excited circles. You shake your head, laughing to yourself. Lusii are supposed to be protectors and caretakers - figures that you’d get one that gets separation anxiety if you don’t let it sleep in your cocoon. You look around your room. 

Your name is MANTIS SHRIMP. You’re about eight sweeps old, which is equivalent to about SEVENTEEN YEARS, if you had ever heard of a “year”, which of course you hadn’t. Your room, as always, is quite MESSY, as you haven’t bothered to clean it in QUITE A WHILE. Besides that, though, it’s quite a good display of your many INTERESTS. You enjoy COLLECTING THINGS, and your half-finished collections are scattered around as you gain and lose motivation to collect. You also like to READ. Your current favorite series is SOLDIER PURRBEASTS, which many trolls might say you are a LITTLE OLD FOR, but you certainly wouldn’t agree with them! Sitting on your desk is your HUSKTOP, where you spend much of your time watching grubtube. You like to DRAW, and you have many FRIENDS that you like to talk to. If you can, you like to ROLEPLAY a bit - usually soldier purrbeasts, but you’ll take just about anything, really. Your closest friend’s name is ASCEND CRABBE, whose hive is directly next to yours. You hang out almost every day.  Right now, though, they’re probably still asleep.

For those who don’t live close, you usually roleplay and talk to your friends on a chat client called TROLLIAN. Your username is divineCrustacean, and you speak in a manner that is V/\reflectiVe of the shape of your horns./\V 

You walk over to your desk, opening your husktop as you sit down. It opens to a conversation you’d had last night with your friend Merrin. You’d met over a sweep ago on a soldier purrbeasts memo, and you’d stayed friends that whole time.  

 - - sleeplessSolitude [SS] began trolling divineCrustacean  [DC] - -

SS: hi Mantis?

SS: how are you doing!

DC: V/\oh hi merrin! =:} /\V

DC: V/\i’m doing alright! i dreVV this today, look!/\V

- - divineCrustacean [DC] has sent an image! - -

SS: >:O

SS: that looks so good. 

DC: V/\thank yoV!! i shrimply had to draVV shrimpclaVV and nightlark meeting =:} /\V

DC: V/\i’m so glad yoV like it!/\V

SS: yeah.

SS: ,man

SS: how do you draw like that! every time i try it always, looks bad?

DC: V/\nooo!!/\V

DC: V/\yoVr art alVVays looks aVVesome!!/\V

DC: V/\bVt if yoV VVant to improVe, the best VVay is alVVays practice! yoVr art’s great thoVgh =:} /\V

SS: practice? right! 

SS: although i do, worry i w’ont have enough time to practice? >:(

DC: V/\VVhat do yoV mean? yoV haVe sVVeeps of time to practice!/\V

DC: V/\improVement doesn’t haVe a time limit or anything! =:} /\V

SS: yeah!

SS: anyway mantis i wanted, to say? 

SS: sorry if this is coming out of nowhere. but I care about you? youv’e been a great, friend and im’ glad i met you. >:)

SS: yo’ure shrimply the best >:)

DC: V/\ =:O /\V 

DC: V/\yoV Vsed my shrimp thing!! =:D /\V

DC: V/\VVell, i care aboVt yoV too! i’m glad i met yoV, yoV’Ve been an aVVesome friend! =:} /\V 

SS: i, dunno i feel like i d’ont tell my friends stuff like that often. and i figured today, was as good a day as any?

DC: V/\aVVVV, that’s so sVVeet!/\V

DC: V/\i VVish i coVld talk for longer today =:{ /\V

DC: V/\bVt i’m going to help ascend VVith something today!/\V

SS: oh?

SS: have fun.

DC: V/\yeah!! i’ll talk to yoV later!/\V

- - divineCrustacean [DC] stopped trolling sleeplessSolitude [SS] - -

- - divineCrustacean [DC] began trolling sleeplessSolitude [SS] - - (*some time later)

DC: V/\oh by the VVay! I has an idea i VVanted to mention qVickly!/\V

DC: V/\i VVas thinking: VVhat if shrimpclaVV VVas half shadoVVbrood bVt didn’t knoVV it?/\V

DC: V/\so that’s part of VVhy he feels so different in thVnderbrood! and VVhy he feels so comfortable aroVnd nightlark!/\V

DC: V/\i knoVV yoV’re not on right noVV bVt let me knoVV VVhat yoV think VVhen yoV see this! =:} /\V

- - divineCrustacean [DC] is now idle! - -

You smile, rereading the conversation. Merrin’s a great friend; though he sometimes struggles to show his emotions - which is why yesterday was so nice.  He hadn’t responded yet - which isn’t unusual, but for some reason, today this gives you pause. Is he alright? It doesn’t look like he’s online right now. It’s probably nothing - he’s probably just asleep still. He doesn’t need to respond to everything right away, anyway. Trolls have lives outside of trollian, obviously. Why do you have to be so needy? You try to push away your worry, opening up grubtube. That should help distract you. 

-    -    -    -    - 

You watch grubtube and draw a bit, but your heart really isn’t in it. Every few minutes, you anxiously check trollian to see if Merrin is online - and he never is. Your worry grows; did something happen to him? 

You continue on like this for what feels like hours, until - you get a message. 

-  - hideawayHeart [HH] has begun trolling you! - - 

HH: }Hello,{

You vaguely recognize the username: they had been in a memo with you a while ago, but you had never really spoken. You’re pretty sure they’re friends with Merrin, too: he’d mentioned his friend HH a few times. You wonder why they’re messaging you now, and a small part of you worries that maybe something has happened to Merrin, that maybe HH is messaging you now to tell you. You push that thought down, reassuring yourself that they’re probably just messaging you to, uh- tell you something else, probably! Maybe they just want to be friends.

DC: V/\hello!/\V

HH: }Do you know who Merrin is?{

Your heart twists. Please, let him be okay- Please, let you be wrong.

DC: V/\i do knoVV him, yeah,/\V

DC: V/\VVhy do yoV ask?/\V

HH: }Oh- I don’t know how to say this,{

HH: }But he died.{

Your blood runs cold. It can’t be true. He can’t just be gone. But, somehow, you aren’t surprised. Something inside of you unwinds, some tension you hadn’t noticed before releases - that worry you felt, the inexplicable feeling that something was wrong, it was because of this. You couldn’t possibly have known this would happen, but somehow, you had. You just hadn’t understood.

Okay, deep breaths. You turn your attention back to your husktop. You need to respond, need to acknowledge the terrible news you’ve just been given, need to pretend that you are here and not watching from outside yourself.

DC: V/\VVhat?? i don’t-/\V

DC: V/\stars, this can’t be happening-/\V

Does that sound natural? How are trolls supposed to react when they find out that someone has died? Is grief natural, or is it viewed as weak? You don’t know, don’t know how you’re supposed to feel but you know that you should feel something but your emotions have been replaced with a cold stone weighing you down. Surely this can’t be true. You can’t be here, looking at your husktop, you can’t have been told that Merrin has died, this has to be happening to someone else and you are watching, this conversation is just another story you are writing but it’s not and it’s real and he’s dead and you’ll never see him again, never talk to him, never send him art or plan your stories or laugh together over a shared joke, you never met him never saw him will never know the sound of his voice and now you never will but you knew him and he knew you and will never know you again-

Tears prick your eyes, and you hold your head in your hands, gripping the bases of your horns as though you will float away if you don’t hold yourself down. Your lusus puts its head on your lap and you absently place your hand on it - it must have sensed your distress. You smile faintly, stroking your fingers along its slimy back.

HH: }I’m so sorry! You shouldn’t have had to find out this way, I should have warned you better!{

DC: V/\no, it’s okay,/\V

DC: V/\thank yoV for telling me,/\V

You want to say more, want to tell them you’re sorry they had to tell you - you can’t imagine having to pass on that kind of news to complete strangers. You want to tell them how you feel better, now that you know, to tell them how you’d worried all day, that if you hadn’t been told you’d still have guessed, though you’re not sure how, that the news was almost relieving, somehow. 

But you can’t tell them; they’re a stranger, they don’t need to hear all your thoughts and worries, they have their own feelings to sort out. Besides, if they knew how you felt, what would they think of you? What kind of troll feels relieved to find out that their friend had died? You’re supposed to feel sad - you do feel sad, you swear you do - but you don’t feel sad enough. You wipe your eyes, but there are no tears to wipe away. You try to summon them once more - your friend is dead, you should cry, you shouldn’t have to try to cry, what’s wrong with you? But the threat of tears you’d felt earlier are long gone now. 

HH: }Yeah,{

HH: }I just- wish I knew what to say.{

DC: V/\i Vnderstand,/\V

You do understand - what do you even say to that? You try to say something else - you need to comfort them, but your words come out all wrong. You give up after typing and deleting several more attempts to say something. There’s nothing you can say. 

- - divineCrustacean [DC] is now idle! - -

You close your husktop, leaning back in your chair and letting out a breath. You can’t stay here. You have to do something, have to distract yourself, but what can you do? Anything that you could do would feel… wrong, somehow; as though you were pretending that everything was normal when nothing would be the same again. But… you know you have to keep going. You don’t know how you’re supposed to grieve, but you feel as though keeping your life as normal as you can would help. You can’t just go back to watching grubtube, though. That would be disrespectful to Merrin’s memory, you think. 

You stand up and pace, trying to decide what to do. You don’t really want to talk to anyone about this, don’t want to admit how… not sad you feel. But you know that you can’t just… not talk about it.  

You pace a bit more, before sighing and heading towards the hallway that connects your hive to Ascend’s. They deserve to know, at least. They never really talked to Merrin, but they knew that you and him were close. 

You walk through the hall, pausing for a moment at the door before taking a deep breath and opening it. 

MANTIS: V/\hey, ascend?/\V

Your friend pauses the video they were watching and turn towards you.

ASCEND: (oh hi mantis! what is it?)

MANTIS: V/\Vm-/\V

You realize that you hadn’t thought of what you were going to say. How do you tell someone that your friend died?

MANTIS: V/\so, Vm-/\V

MANTIS: V/\merrin died,/\V

No!! That’s definitely not how you’re supposed to say that! You grit your teeth, frustrated. You should have planned this! You shouldn’t just say stuff like that, you need to lead with something else first, not just say it like it’s nothing! Ascend stares at you for a moment, not comprehending.

ASCEND: (wait, what? merrin?)

MANTIS: V/\yeah-/\V

ASCEND: (i-)

ASCEND: (i’m sorry, i don’t know what to say to say to that-)

ASCEND: (i’m so sorry- that’s terrible)

ASCEND: (are you okay?)

You rub the back of your head.

MANTIS: V/\it’s alright,/\V

MANTIS: V/\i’m not really sVre hoVV to react either, /\V

MANTIS: V/\i’m doing okay thoVgh, i think,/\V

ASCEND: (are you sure? is there anything i Can do to help?)

MANTIS: V/\no, that’s alright, yoV don’t haVe to do anything,/\V

MANTIS: V/\i think it hasn’t, like, fVlly set in that it’s real yet?/\V

This isn’t exactly true. You know that it’s real, you just… you know you should feel sad, but you just don’t. But saying it out loud makes it more real, makes you feel even more that your emotions are wrong. Better to pretend that you’re in denial - because who knows, perhaps you are, perhaps your grief will catch up to you and you’ll feel the way you’re supposed to.

ASCEND: (allright,)

ASCEND: (well, tell me if there’s anything you need me to do, okay?)

ASCEND: (i don’t want you to feel like you have to deal with this alone.)

MANTIS: V/\i VVill,/\V

MANTIS: V/\thank yoV, ascend, yoV’re a good friend./\V

MANTIS: V/\i think for noVV, i jVst VVant a distraction,/\V

ASCEND: (okay! i Can do that!)

ASCEND: (do you want to watCh the troll muppet show with me?)

MANTIS: V/\that soVnds good,/\V

MANTIS: V/\i’m sorry,/\V

ASCEND: (what are you sorry for?)

MANTIS: V/\for telling yoV aboVt VVhat happened, i gVess,/\V

MANTIS: V/\i didn’t VVant to make yoV sad,/\V

Ascend takes your hand. 

ASCEND: (mantis, don’t apologize! it’s not your fault that it happened, and i’m glad you told me.)

You nod, but you still feel bad. You don’t want to burden them with that kind of information, and you really are sorry for having to tell your closest friend about Merrin’s death.

MANTIS: V/\okay,/\V

MANTIS: V/\i’m sorr-/\V

Ascend gives you a look.

MANTIS: V/\Vm, right. let’s, Vh, go VVatch the troll mVppets,/\V

You walk with Ascend to the tv, glad that you won’t have to deal with this alone. You still miss Merrin, and probably always will, but life moves on, and you will have to find ways to cope with the loss. You don’t feel as sad as you should, but, thinking about it, you don’t think that Merrin would want you to be sad. He would probably want you to live your life - to watch the troll muppets with Ascend and to write Shrimpclaw’s story and to draw soldier purrbeasts and all of that. He would want you to be happy. You hope, that wherever he is now, Merrin is happy, too. And perhaps, one day, you’ll see him again, and you can tell him your story.