Before I left

Dear Ty,

I know there is nothing I can say that can make things better and I don’t deserve any type of forgiveness, but I will still ask for it. I will continue to ask for it until our lives are over. I also know that no amount of ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘It was mistake’ will change what I’ve done. I understand if you never want to see me again...I don’t want to see me again either. But you’re not the only one hurting, and you’re most certainly not the only one disgusted with me. I haven’t been able to look at myself in the mirror for days; not in the eyes anyways. I haven’t been able to eat, and I’ve barely been able to sleep. For days I struggled with wondering if I should even tell you what happened. And at first, I didn’t want to say a thing. It was better if you never found out and I just forgot about it and went on with our lives as if nothing happened. But my guilt ate at me.

I told you, not because I was hoping to lessen the blow, but because I thought it would be better if you heard it from me rather than finding out on your own. I kept my distance from you over the past two weeks because I was afraid you would figure it out before I worked up the nerve to tell you. While our current situation is awful, it would have been so much worse if you thought I was keeping secrets from you. You know I can’t keep secrets from you; I love you too much not to let you in completely.

Before you go scoffing or thinking that I don’t, I do. I love you. I know what I’ve done doesn’t reflect that, but I will make everything okay again. And I don’t care what other people say, or what some dumb curse says: You’re my soul mate. I’ve known it ever since high school. And even while I was hating you. It’s because of that, that for once, I won’t avoid my problems like I have in the past. I will face them head on and fix everything I have destroyed. I’m leaving for a little while. I’ll be back in time for Sela’s birthday, so don’t feel like you have to tell her more bad news. The only thing I’m going to ask you is that you tell her I love her, every night. Just take good care of her, she’s everything to me. And hopefully, when I get back you’ll have forgiven me enough to talk to me.

-Lillian