Letter from Ty

I don't know if you need closure; care about having it, or, if you do- if you even want it at all. For some reason, perhaps because of that mark on your shoulder, I can't move on without getting it. It's for Sela too, it was enough for just me to grow up with a bitter parent. I don't want to become that example for her or be the reason you are. If we were to look through her eyes could we agree on what we want her to see as she gets older? Can we agree that it shouldn't be this, the things we're making her see now? We need to fix this, us, somehow. I know I said there is no us anymore; we as a couple aren't a thing. But we as people, co-raising a child, need to mend this mess we've made.

I've come to realize that most of this is my fault. Not all of it, but most. It all stems back to high school, just like you said, but the truth is: that fact is true for both of us. I really, honestly, wasn't waiting for you to screw up again; in all earnest, I was waiting for something else to come up so I could prove once and for all that you were going to choose me. When it all started, had you just broken up with me because your brother wanted you to...I would have accepted that. I wouldn't have expected you to choose me over family. Not back then when we were so new at everything and you told me the stories of how you two stuck together. He was the only person, by blood, that you had. In the end, that wasn't what happened. Lysander aside, I just plain didn't believe you would see a sign of trouble and stay by my side as we went through it. All those promises I made? They were empty. Not intentionally, of course, I still loved you. It's simply that, I wanted to be with you, but I didn't believe it would last: I intended to do what I promised I would, I wasn't convinced we'd actually get that far. My heart wasn't in it anymore, and perhaps that was what made it easy never to come back once I left. It was unfair, unfair just like you lying to me; but, because I had committed back into a relationship with you, I guess it shows I never really forgave you. I was the one poisoning our relationship from then on out, even for the entire three years we spent apart, I was poisoning everything.

Never coming back after graduation wasn't intentional, at first, either. My mother was dying and, just like now, I needed closure. I needed to know she loved me, that she had given me up for my good and not because it was simply the easier thing to do. We both know what happened in that case, it could have been her illness, or maybe she was just a bitter, selfish, unfeeling woman all along. But, a betrayed woman too. Betrayed by my father like I betrayed you. Once I finally came back around weeks later, after what had to be thousands of missed calls and texts from you, I made a conscious choice not to contact you. I figured you'd be furious, but that you'd also have moved on without a second thought. I undermined your feelings for me and turned my back on you, because when it came down to it, the trust from before our break up had never come back. While I might have had a right to feel that way it doesn't justify my abandonment. I should have been responsible, even if it was to call and let you know I wasn't actually able to come back- and that we should end things- rather than assuming they wrapped themselves up on their own. I was a kid, I was hurting, but I was still wrong.

I'm sorry about that. When I had the chance to think about it I realized I probably had this coming. I probably deserved it. I walked back into your life and pushed for a relationship you very obviously weren't ready for. Emotions are strange, they stay with memories and feel exactly the same when you come back to them. It doesn't matter how long it's been, when you come back to them, they're fresh. And that's what happened: I remembered I loved you. I more then loved you. Good God, I worshiped you. I wanted to share every breath, every tick of the hand on a clock- and when I gave you that mark, I would have given up every moment left in my lifespan to extend yours by a single breath. You were my muse: seeing your face, touching your hair, watching you smile...It all came flooding back. Three years later, that thing with Lysander was water under the bridge. We were adults, we didn't need his opinion. And that lack of trust that I let destroy us? Why think of it now? We could make this work. That's what I was thinking when I was pushing so hard and making all those stupid decisions. I didn't make them alone, but I saw that they were bad, and I may as well have been forcing you into it.

You wanted to love me without feeling the hurt of what I did to you. And I foolishly expected you to do exactly that, because, here I was ready to lay everything down to prove myself to you! That was selfish. If we had waited, you sleeping with Jason would have been justified. I would have been hurt, but I wouldn't have had a right to be offended. Rather, you lead me along. You kind of had to, you didn't trust me yet, but I was insisting we made a family- you were under pressure because you further had to think of Sela. She needed a father, and the one way you were going to keep me in her life, was to put me in yours. That's how I see it, anyway. Seeing you with him, for any reason, after you left for two weeks- I can't be convinced you didn't do it all to spite me. Maybe I did have it coming, but I'm still human and I don't have to accept being treated that way. I loved you so much. So, so, so much. I missed you those two weeks, I hated myself for it, but I wanted you so badly that it hurt- and it hurt more because you let someone else in; as my equal, as someone deserving to know the inside of you, the connection to your mind and spirit. Even still, everything inside of me was screaming to see your face; those bright ruby eyes and gold-spun hair. I was desperate enough to seek it in a place I know I shouldn't have. I didn't care, I threw away all my values and sense of self all to just...pretend to feel your touch. I feel ashamed for it, but again, it was my conscious decision.

I've been angry enough to call you almost every name in the book. I've been bitter and unwilling to forgive. I have a right to that, and you have a right to yours for everything I've done. I've been more of a fool: I've asked you to do something that simply is impossible for you to do. I wanted something from you that you can't give me, and I knew you couldn't all along. You were willing to cry, to swallow your pride, and (from your perspective) take a step back from our relationship to try and make things right. You apologized to me, you even told me yourself what you'd done. And, even if it wasn't entirely sincere, you apologized to Aubrey while she was in the hospital. If those things weren't good enough for me, then that only proves that things would end up this way. I wasn't satisfied with any of that, even though, for you, it was the equivalent of getting on your knees for me. What I wanted, to see you own up to your actions, to say you were wrong- everything I asked for. The fact that you refused? That's just what I get. I wanted to see that you'd jump through hoops for me if I asked you to, but I knew better than to expect that. The way I wanted it to happen, never would have happened that way. And that's because you're you. You're never going to do that. I don't mean what I'm saying to criticize. I only mean to say, I'm asking for too much. Since I can't let this go for anything less, then I may as well admit my faults and hope we can actually move on.

I want to heal from this pain and the tears and the feeling dead inside. I don't know if I should accept that we never switched bodies as an explanation to how this came to be, how either or us began behaving like mad men; but after everything has been said and done, we're over...and we can't fix it. I think we should do one last thing, or maybe two. We should learn to be friends, and we should go to Mykronos. I just...have to know, and I think that island can explain it. If the fruit doesn't say we're soulmates, then all of this makes sense. If we are, then we were just too screwed up to turn it all around. It happens sometimes, ya know? So...call me if you'd rather not write back, we should try to talk properly one day.