Memory of a Fellow Feeling

// "I cried, for I didn't think it could be true That you and I might have always known one another..." //

I was a lonely, teenage girl, with no aspirations for my future. I didn't hold my head very high nor did I walk with any sort of esteem. I was below average with a penchant for history. I could tell you every fact of World War II as if I had seen it with my very own eyes yet be unable to tell you how to solve for X in a trinomial equation. I didn't have any special talents or any unique abilities to get me noticed. Hell, I didn't want to be noticed. I just wanted to live. Yet there was a single person who took notice to me, despite all my flaws. Well...maybe not noticed but he did hold my hand once.

His name was Takeo Sanada, a senior student with excellent grades and not much else. He was rough around the edges and blunt. He wasn't very social but was apart of the Tennis team at our school. He didn't attract many girls of his grade due to his cold nature but I was no better.

Mutual friends had pressured us into a relationship neither of us wanted to admit we needed. He was stubborn. I was shy. We couldn't keep a conversation for more than thirty seconds, eyes shifting here and there. He would say something and I would respond with a simple two or three word response. Silence. I would say something I thought seemingly profound only to have him respond with a single word. Neat. We didn't have much in common either. He liked pasta, I liked cheeseburgers. He liked soap operas and I liked sci-fi. We didn't even attempt going out on any dates. Yet...we never could bring ourselves to end the relationship that seemed to go nowhere.

It was the little things that perhaps held our awkward relationship together. On rainy days he would offer me his jacket to protect me from catching a cold. On exam days I would bring him an extra carton of coffee milk to keep his study groove going. Perhaps it may have been the bigger things too that held us together...like a promise.

He had taken me atop a hill overlooking our quiet town. It was a pretty sight to behold. Street lights below sparkled like earth bound stars, giving life to the empty streets. He had taken my tiny hand into his. I could feel his strength as he held it, along with the warmth of his heart. He tried his best to stare into my eyes, penetrating the depths of my very soul. I couldn't look away. I knew if I did I would regret breaking the bond we were trying to forge, an everlasting love that could span across eras.

"I want to try to be your boyfriend. For real this time."

// "And that we could not only evoke, but conjure a place of our own And everywhere, that has ever existed Is all on the surface of our dream Now please, hear what I hear..." //

I didn't stop to breathe as the screams of a thousand people tried to shatter my confidence. I couldn't stop now. I needed to continue to pass judgment onto these poor, unfortunate souls drenched in sin. I looked down upon their burning city with no remorse in my eyes. As they stared up at me with pleading stares, I could faintly imagine what they see. Despite all the horror and flames surrounding them they could find peace in the glow of their guardian, their savior.

I was their Merciful Angel, their guide to the heavens which they wished to travel to. Despite their pleas for me to stop the bloodshed I knew what they desired. I knew they yearned for the judgment I had to pass upon them so they could see what light hid beyond the tunnel. My voice was muted as I tried to put them at ease, telling them the pain was only small and that they needed to endure. Their screams overpowered my sirens call and just barely the sounds of the choppers behind me.

I could hear their codes and jargon as they took me in their sights. I turned to face them, curious of their sudden presence. Were they to interfere with my judgments? Were they here to give me praise for all the good I was accomplishing? No. Not even my creators could understand what I was to accomplish. Did they not realize what they truly made me for? I was to cleanse the world of its tragic mistakes and start it anew.

"I have a lock on her. It's time to bring our Project Lux to an end."

// "Let me explain This ugliness, this cruelty, this repulsiveness It will all die out And now, I cry for all that is beautiful..." //

My memories today are heavily fragmented in this tiny body of mine. If the name Lux hadn't been inscribed into my armor I wouldn't have one to give you if we were to meet again. Sometimes I question the name that is cleanly scrawled onto me, feeling as if I had been given a much different name long before. As I travel this vast, open world, I grow more lost within it. I am always learning new things but never about myself. Certain sounds, sights and smells will trigger different memories, leading me to question if anything of what I recall is really my own.

Sometimes I will see a tall boy looking back at me with a smile that doesn't look quite right on his face. When I recall that smile it fills me with a warmth, a yearning to see it again and again. Sometimes I feel his hand upon my cheek, hearing his praises about the lunch I had apparently made him. Yet how could I have made a man a lunch with these small paws of mine?

Other times, when I am looking at nothing but desolate lands it will trigger something vastly different. I will see children in blood soaked clothing, tears streaming down their faces. They cry for their mothers, their fathers, anyone to save them. I feel compelled to reach out to them like that gentle man reached for me. I want to bathe them in light, to put their suffering at ease. I want to apologize for their mistakes yet do not understand what they did so wrong to be missing limbs, stuffed animals and parents. Could I have forgotten my purpose when I awakened to this fluffy form of mine?

I travel this world hoping someone can bridge the gaps between the visions that keep me awake at night. Even though I do not sleep I dream of meeting the man who once cradled me in his arms, whispering soft notes of an emotion I cannot grasp. If I cannot meet this man perhaps I can at least unravel the mystery that clouds my purpose.

My story hasn't ended...it has only just begun.