STS | Not My Home

[Pumpkinstem]

Pumpkinstem snorts, finding the idea of training one of the current apprentices hilarious. "They got mentors already," she retorts. "You were a special occasion, so you're welcome for that. And besides, it's not that kind of boredom. Not the kind where sifting through prey is just enough to keep you from gnawing your own tail." Suddenly, its words fully sink in. 

"Hey- all on my own, what? You're not the most friend-savvy yourself."

[Maggotscorn]

Hooking a small squirrel towards it, Maggotscorn parts its jaws to draw in the rich, bright scent of freshkill, eyes flicking towards Pumpkinstem as it replaces the squirrel, satisfied with its safety. It inhales the cool evening air as it sits up more wholly, shifting to study Pumpkinstem more thoroughly. "The friends I have are more than enough for me." It rumbles, whiskers twitching with amusement just ever-so-slightly. 

"You however, seem to be lacking in things to keep you busy." Its attention slides back towards the freshkill pile, and it selects an older looking thrush - still relatively fresh, given the somewhat recent upheaval of the mound - but older than most the rest of the prey there. 

"The kits we brought from that burning patrol are miserable little scraps." It remarks, sniffing the thrush before deciding it was satisfied with the wellness of the thing and replacing it near the top of the pile. 

"You might lose some of your loneliness with them." 

It hadn't meant to imply she'd been lonely, but her sensitivity towards the perceived led it to believe she was, and as far as it was concerned, this would be an easy solution - one that would benefit the clan as a whole, too.

[Pumpkinstem]

She considers his words honestly, no longer focusing on the pile, knowing that Maggotscorn is getting his fill with doing the work on their own. And also, she just doesn't feel like doing it herself. Win win. 

"I'm sure they are," Pumpkinstem replies, something with little to no malice that could be detected, or conceived to be something that isn't face value. She's happy for him. A fate that she was afraid he wouldn't have. 

She didn't expect to be so maternal, especially towards a cat that may care less or isn't of her blood. And maybe she wasn't the best teacher, or parent for that matter, to such a cat. Not even her own children- child. Her standards have always been different. Memories of guardianship stem from the few moons she was with her own parents, which wasn't much time at all. Especially when paired with her escapades with her sister, running far from home. 

If she was a bad parent, her mother must've been... something. 

"Yeah, they are," she agrees, changing the subject. "And you expect me to go into the wolves den and be buddy-buddy with them? If they couldn't handle me arguing with Java, how are they gonna handle me? In general?" 

She sighs, clawing at a piece of prey. "Appreciate it, Maggie. But this has nothing to do with friends."

[Maggotscorn]

Maggotscorn is content to listen to Pumpkinstem as it peels through prey, sniffing and inspecting each piece before replacing it. So far, it hadn't found anything to upset its standards. 

"My impatience and disdain for you did not give you pause in training me." It remarks, replacing another thrush onto the pile. "I was angry, and hated your stupid jokes and jests." It thought back on them fondly these days - they were exhausting, but there was a familiarity to them that it valued now. She had never treated it differently - not even while it had been daring the entire burning clan to do so. 

"But your irreverence was valuable to me." 

And perhaps it would be valuable to the flea-bitten scraps, Hover and Hymn. 

"I cannot imagine you nervous to approach anyone - particularly not scraps of fur you could box in your sleep." 

It pauses now, busying itself with another piece of prey. She told it it wasn't about friends - if it wasn't, what was it about? 

"If you aren't burning for friends, what is it you are lacking in?"

[Pumpkinstem]

Pumpkinstem can't help but smile. She enjoys her conversations with him, even when they turn sour. Even through the most tense of conversations, however, there's always something to laugh at. 

This time, it feels different. it's been awhile since they've spoken, and even she can notice that its ire has quelled to a point where he can have a decent discussion with a stranger, maybe. They speak as if they've gotten over her insistent bugging, which she finds particularly funny. 

"Oh Maggie, I'm a changed cat," she whines, a paw to her forehead as she dramatically leans against its taller form. "I'm no longer the cat you knew when you were a sprout. I got feelings too, ya know? I'm not some cold-blooded, always-funny feline. Even rocks can break." 

If they hadn't pushed her off already, she would've straightened on her own. Then, her expression gradually shifts to neutrality, something akin to what Maggotscorn may hold itself. "You know what the difference between you and Hymn and Hover are? Unlike them, you wanna be here. You have a purpose." 

She hopes he's at full attention now. "And that's not an insult to them. I don't blame them. I can't say I felt any different when I joined the clan. It was never my intention to stay- still isn't. MonarchClan isn't, and was never, my home." 

Her gaze drifts off to the side, looking away from the pile and to something that doesn't exist. "I can pester them all I want to, and I have no qualms with annoying apprentices. But if it's change you're expecting, even I'll admit I won't be the best candidate. You could be, though. At least you understand what it's like to have a stick up your ass." She smirks mischievously at her last sentence, but is quick to follow up with a more serious comment. 

"I didn't get you to care, Maggot. Circumstances brought us together, and we just so happen to be here now. But forcing myself on cats who feel as though they don't belong... Well, I'd probably make them more miserable. Despite how amazing I am,  I don't have the cure for finding a home. That's a personal journey." 

Her brief monologue is finally over, and she decides to answer his question. Well, barely. “I dunno. If I knew what I was lacking in, I wouldn't be so bored, would I?”

[Maggotscorn]

As if Pumpkinstem could tell its tolerance for her antics had risen, she ups them, leaning against it dramatically as she offers an obnoxiously pitched excuse. He scoffs, leaning away from her contact and continuing to pick through the freshkill pile. He was nearing finished, and the prey had seemingly been in good condition - as far as he'd been able to tell at least. 

A changed feline? Hardly. She was as insufferable as ever - and he was exasperated by his fondness of her for it. A waste of time - but many things were. This effort with the prey pile, perhaps, is. Should he fail to find anything, there would be no point to it. No, nitpicking whether something is worthy of time spent or not was a futile endeavor. 

When she tells them that the difference between them was that they wanted to be here, it gives them pause; it was true, of course. Since they had joined, they had wanted MonarchClan to be the answer; they had needed it to be. Hover and Hymn seemed to hold no such desire, content enough to let it all burn. 

Their musing is interrupted by Pumpkinstem's concession that MonarchClan isn't her home. The thought that she didn't want to be here was unpleasant in their mind - cloying and heavy, like smoke leaving stains across a clean surface. Its muzzle draws into a thin line as it continues its pulling through the freshkill pile. 

"I don't give a scrap if they don't change." 

... 

That wasn't true. Even as they spoke it, they realized that it wasn't. It pauses, jaw working before trying again. 

"...I am not concerned with them right now." That was more true. It was concerned - as concerned as it was over any member of its clan. 

"It would seem you're lacking in what you say I have: purpose." It tells her, paws paused and hovering over another piece of prey. It withdraws, sitting up straight and turning the whole of its attention on Pumpkinstem.

"This isn't your home, and you have few friends to speak of? I'm not surprised that you're bored." The words feel bitter in its throat. It doesn't like the route this conversation has taken - doesn't care for the only answer it can think to offer for the cat who had helped to guide it through its apprenticeship. 

"What changed? You weren't always so weary of the day-to-day here." 

Maybe she was - maybe it hadn't cared enough to notice. She would tell it now, if that was the case. 

And if it wasn't, maybe there would be other solutions to her unrest.

[Pumpkinstem]

At any moment now, Pumpkinstem expects for Maggotscorn to complete what he’s sought to do at the fresh-kill and subsequently take its leave. However, it never comes, at least for now. She had expected to part ways with it many moments ago, especially as the conversation derailed into something of substance. 

Whatever he’s thinking of her, she doesn’t know. Or maybe she does. If she did, it wouldn’t have changed her ways a bit. She’s a constant. 

Her tongue audibly smacks against the roof of her mouth at its statement: “I don’t give a scrap if they don’t change.” 

She teases, “Not concerned in them. So you’re concerned about me, hm?” And without spending much time to respond further, she focuses on what he has to say next. Something about her own purpose. She shrugs. 

“Of course I wasn’t. MonarchClan was a new thing to me once, but now it’s the normal. I’ve never been one to stay in one place. That’s just how my family was.” She huffs. "But all these other cats are used to stability." 

Pumpkinstem isn't sure how to react... To her, it seems like he understands where she's coming from. Not just her usual load of jibber-jabber, something true to her heart and morals. And for once, it doesn't make someone upset. She's always known that it's okay to not want to be here, not forever. A lot of what she says can make someone upset. But it's also good to feel understood. 

"Don't think about stressing over it, over me," she says. "And I know what you're gonna say: ''I'm not gonna stress over it because I'm cool and have better stuff to do.' But if you ever do, then just... I dunno. I'm in your heart or whatever." 

She sighs. "Everyone thinks me leaving means I'm going to be dead or something. But don't you just ever wanna see something new? Experience new things? Every once in awhile we get a fun natural disaster or a bobcat attack, but are those experiences or just us lingering too long until something finds us?" 

She pauses. "Nothing has changed. That's my problem." But it brings a smile to her face, despite the tough subject area. She stands to her paws. "But it's mine, and not yours, so that's a good thing, right?"