A Mother's Grief

The sun was already setting when Illyana left her home. She spent the day locked, alone in her office, carving her ritual candle. As she did each year, she asked Berithi to take care of their children for the day and make sure they didn’t bother her, and as usual, he simply nodded as a response. She also knew no one would go to the altar of Morrigan at this hour, which is why she was out now.

There were several shrines dedicated to the Goddess in this time of the year, some were temporary, other permanents, all scattered in Evallen, Illeone and Harrel. One of these permanent altars was just next to her door, in a stone circle. Illyana’s home was a cave, carved in a boulder and the entrance was placed on this circle, surrounded by 8 polished and upright rocks of at least 6.5 feet (2 meters) tall, placed at equal distance from one to another. One of these rocks was a shrine dedicated to Morrigan, the one where Illyana would place her candle.

The protector closed her front door and took a step in the grass. Everything was silent. As she slowly walked to the altar, she opened her ears to the world around her, only to be greeted by the sound of the river next to her, slowly moving towards the sea. Holding her candle in her mouth, she smelled the wax mixed with the flowers around her, nostalgic of the first celebration and the first time she carved her candle. She did improve a lot since then, and she could be proud of herself for this, but she wasn’t. Each and every year, she wasn’t happy nor proud of her candle, she wasn’t even feeling like celebrating, laughing nor smiling. She was tired. Every year, every time, her crafting and carving improved, but the candle was always the same. Always the same carving, always the same message, always burned for nothing.

The mare stopped at the altar and took a look at the gifts it held. Like every year, there were drawings, incenses, ribbons, clothes and fabrics made in honor of Morrigan, and a lot more. The candles were all almost burned out, their flames were all hanging on for dear life, but would not survive for long. She sat there, in silence, looking at the burning candles’ last instants. When only one flame remained alive, she bowed down, using it to light up her candle, and placed it in the center of the altar. Illyana observed the fire slowly eating the wick, and admired the carving she did. On her white candle, she drew flowers, leaves, twigs and feathers in a mandala shape. In the center of this mandala, were two infants, lying down next to each other, sleeping. Her heart started to ache as she read the inscription bellow the drawing, “Aether and Violet”.

She closed her eyes and allowed herself to feel what these names meant for her. As her chest pain woke up once again, she recognised these names for what they were, unwanted, a profound shame, but also a metamorphosis, even if she never asked for it. They were outsiders, strangers, living in her womb, stealing her from her miserable life in an attempt to survive inside her body, giving her with time the courage and strength she needed. They were the reason she finally faced her fear of the unknown, the reason she decided to fight back, the reason she ran, the reason she breathed, the reason she needed to allow herself to finally live. Despite everything she had to go through, she loved them with all her heart, and wanted the best for them. She fought, bit, screamed, cried, lost her own sanity because of them. But they never got to meet her.

She sat there, eyes closed, aching heart and sore throat. She felt her body losing strength and slowly lied down, in complete silence. She couldn’t hear the river anymore over her heart beating and her shaking breath. She knew too well what was going to happen next, and as she dropped her head onto her hind legs and stopped resisting, she was instantly drowned in the memory of this night, the one where she lost everything.

—---------- [TW : stillbirth, birthing, death, insanity] —----------

She was back in her old body, standing up and holding her round belly with her hands, surrounded by trees, inside a dense forest. The sun was setting on the horizon, tinting everything in a deep red. She was running in a straight line, as fast as she could, as fast as the pain of the contractions allowed her to go. She was running away from her home, her comfort, her old life. She was following Roomba, her crow, to a safe place, a hideaway, where she could birth and start again, creating a new and better life for her twins. She ran for this future until the pain became unbearable and forced her to stop and lean on a tree. She couldn’t breath, couldn't walk, couldn’t do anything anymore. She bent over the tree and puked all she had left in her body, which was next to nothing, except bile. She then dropped on all four, fighting with herself to continue as the contractions knocked her down completely. At this instant, she knew she would not reach her hideaway before the birth of her children, so she gave up, and lied down, pushing as hard as she could despite exhaustion and pain, trying to control her breathing and groaning.

She didn’t really remember how long she lied there, pushing with all her strength, she only knew that the night was already advanced when her first child was born. She couldn’t hear anything above her heart beating in her head, but her instincts told her something was wrong. Leaning on one of her elbows, she gently grabbed her baby boy and brought it close to her chest. She sat there and removed with a delicate gesture the placenta and amniotic liquid from his little nose and mouth so he could breathe with ease. The new mother was already covered in blood, sweat, amniotic liquid and bits of placenta, but all that mattered was her son. She moved him close to her breast so he could feed himself while the contraction restarted. For the first time in her life, she smiled, holding her newborn close to her, whispering his name, Aether. Except, he wasn’t moving. She noticed it, and in panic, started to rub the body, hoping to activate something, anything, making him move by himself. And her heart sank at the bottom of her body. She saw it. The hole. In the center of Aether's body was a malformation, a hole, allowing anyone to see his organs, and his little heart, still. Anyone who saw this with their own eyes would know this baby would never live, never breathe, but not Illyana. She started to rub again, harder, faster. Maybe if she was fast enough he would awake. Maybe if she tried harder he would open his eyes, just a little harder. Just hanging on a little longer. Just…

She was snapped back to reality when her contractions were excruciatingly painful. She couldn’t see anything except a blur. Tears were rolling down her face, she had trouble breathing, but she forced herself to lie down again and push as hard as she could. Holding the corpse of her baby, now cold, close to her, she started praying, something, anything, to make sure her second child wouldn’t meet the same fate.

Her baby girl arrived at sunset. She knew her hard work was over and as delicate as ever, lied down her firstborn next to her, before lifting her second baby to her chest, removing anything preventing her from breathing. She was lighter than her brother, and smaller. The mare brought her close to her breast and waited for a movement, a cry, anything. She waited, and waited, then panic struck again. Repeating the name of her child, she started by feeling her pulse, nothing. She rubbed Violet’s body to remove the blood and activate something, anything, nothing. She noticed the color of her skin was different from her brother’s, but didn’t know why, it didn’t matter, she just wanted her child to live. She had already lost one, she couldn’t lose the other. She rubbed and rubbed the body, praying, crying, and finally understood what had happened. What she thought was fat around her daughter’s neck was in reality the umbilical cord, wrapped tightly. All the panic and pain left her body at this second, as she stared at the cord for a moment. She then slowly untied it, revealing bruises around her baby’s neck, what remained of her daughter’s asphyxia. She stared at them in silence.

And she smiled. A simple, happy smile, the one she had just before this tragedy. She gently started to rock her daughter’s cold body back and forth. She whispered with the sweetest voice she could.

“It’s okay now, you can breathe… I fixed you… Don’t be shy… It’s okay to be shy, I’m here, I’ll never abandon you Violet… Take your time… When you are ready, I’ll be there… You’ll meet Aether too, he’s your brother… I haven't fixed him yet, but I will… Afterwards, we can all be a family… A happy one… I promise…”

Illyana gently lied her daughter down and took Aether in her arms. She started patching the hole with leaves from a nearby bush, still smiling. When satisfied with the result, she whispered to her little boy.

“Aether… It’s okay… You are whole now… You can breathe, don’t be scared… Your mommy is here to support you, no matter what… It’s okay to be scared… Take your time, your sister and I will be waiting for you… I promise I’ll take good care of you…”

She rocked her son gently, smiling and whispering. After a moment, she lifted her daughter and brought her close to her, near her brother.

“We will be a happy family, you’ll see… I’ll wait as long as it takes for you to be comfortable and breathe… Don’t worry I’ll stay here, I’m not leaving you… Violet… Aether… Would you like mommy to sing you a lullaby ?... Would it help you to be at ease ?... I’m sure it would… Let’s see…”

“The way I ~ Go through with ~ Red roses burn, my eyes ~ Cold rain starts ~ Pouring hard ~ I’m being called, upon ~ …”

She was found there three days later, still singing to her children. Roomba guided the people searching for her there. She was starving, and refused to be separated from her children, who were already starting to decompose. She spent the rest of her life searching for them after they were taken away, but never saw them again. At least, that’s what Roomba told her. She had no memories of this.

—---------- [END TW : stillbirth, birthing, death, insanity] —----------

The mare came back to her senses after a while, having trouble breathing and feeling her heart beating fast in her chest. As she opened her eyes and looked at her candle, at the carving of her twins being eaten by the flames, she finally allowed herself to cry and mourn her loss. Her whole body started to shake, her eyes were watering and tears streaming down her face. She didn’t care anymore about being silent, she didn’t care about being seen in this state, the only thing she cared about was long gone, and no one would replace them. She first prayed for her children to be safe and sound somewhere, anywhere. She then screamed her pain and suffering to the world. She cried knowing nothing would change anyway. She prayed to Morrigan to finally take away this pain and guilt drowning her heart and clouding her mind. She prayed for her memories to disappear and never come back. She screamed as much as she could, hoping they would reach her children and tell them how much she misses them, hoping to reach Morrigan and make her do something, hoping to finally empty all these bottled up feelings and never feel them again. She screamed her pain until she used up all her strength and lost her voice, feeling light headed afterward. She rested her head on her legs, watching the candle burn slowly as she waited for this feeling to stop.

She woke up when the moon was high, covered with a blanket. She lifted her head and started to look around. She was still outside, in front of the altar, her candle burned out a while ago from what she could tell. Next to her was a wooden plate filled with blueberries, her favorite. She smiled softly and ate some, noticing a little shiny pebble and a collar too small for her next to the bowl. Like every year, she fell asleep, and like every year, Berithi took care of her. Koramin and Ragnis seemed to have tried too, judging by what she found. She let out a sigh and stood up. She never had a loving family back in her old life, and she was grateful for this one she found, she just wished she could have seen her own children grow. She bowed her head to the shrine one last time, thanking the goddess for listening to her. She then gathered the bowl, pebble and necklace in the blanket, created a bundle and lifted everything. Enjoying the silence one last time, she walked back home, preparing herself mentally for tomorrow’s work.