Coming Undone
I know I'm the cause of all this, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. It feels like my heart has been ripped right out of my chest while it was still beating. It was just a mistake. A very bad mistake. I was just trying to get to know someone other than Ty, my brother and coworkers and things went wrong. I never meant for it to happen, I swear! Things were never meant to happen that way. We were just supposed to sit and talk, have a few drinks and get to know each other. Sleeping together was never part of the plan! I want so desperately to take back what I've done. I want to tell Jason it's not a good idea that he stay and chat with me. I wish Ty could believe me when I say I'm sorry and it was an accident. I can understand why he can't, but it's the truth. I'm ridden with so much guilt, shame and sorrow. None of it necessarily for the act itself but for how I so completely betrayed the man I love. I wanted us to work this time. I did! I still do. But now...Can that ever happen? I want to take back everything wrong I did but I can't. It's a mistake I'll have to live with the rest of my life, and the pain of knowing I so completely and utterly shredded all trust Ty had in me.
Even though I know his issues with trust and women, I still broke that. I was the first woman he put all his trust in and I screwed that up. I really don't know how many times I can admit to that. I know what I did, I know the damage it caused...The funny thing is, even though my heart is broken and I feel like waking up another day without him is the worst thing in the world, the person I feel the most sorry towards isn't Ty. Yes, of course I am and I can't say it enough, but our daughter has to deal with this as well. I also betrayed her. I promised her, her father and I have torn that away from her. She so young that she may not hate me now, but she will resent me when she gets older. I wish I could say I'm only human, but I'm nowhere close to it.
These tears just won't stop flowing. I haven't had such strong emotions like this since...Well, since I was pregnant and overloaded on hormones. I'm surprised I have tears left to shed; I thought I cried them all during those early years. My whole body aches and I want nothing more than to never see sunlight again. I'm sure at this point, Ty would be happy by that; lots of people would be I'm sure. Maybe I should take a vacation. Hah! A vacation from a vacation destination. Perhaps I'll tell Sinclair to just forget coming for a visit and return home for a while. I can leave Sela with Ty. If he's allowed to leave without a word, why can't I? He's her parent too, he can raise her for a little while; just for two weeks or so. Or maybe...No, that would be dangerous. But I can fight through all this pain and forget it for a little while. I know everyone would be against it considering many are out for my heart, but maybe if I return then even the one sticking itself to my daughter will follow and leave her alone.
I love them both so much. No matter how long he's mad at me. No matter if he hates me for the rest of our lives. I love him and I still feel that we're made for each other; just like I did back in high school. Sela is a proof of that. Perhaps...Well just maybe, when I come back, I can ask if he really wants to know if we're meant to be. That island he was talking about, it's supposed to be kind of like Koizora right? We could travel there and find out for sure. It didn't happen in high school, but maybe now is different. But I will ask when I come back. Until then...
I love you so much.