Self-Discovery

Lillian drove herself to the small air strip on the outskirts of the city. Already waiting for her was Sinclair, dressed in his usually suit attire and standing beside the plane until he saw her. The moment his green eyes spotted her red car, he was moving away from the plane and walking to her car before she even came to a stop. Turning off the engine, before she could even reach for the door Sinclair had opened the door for her. He was still that stiff butler she knew as a child even though she, and Lysander, have told him countless times that he didn’t work for them anymore. Every time he would retort with, “I serve the Hall family until my dying breath.” Lillian always scoffed at the sentence because the man wouldn’t die! He was immortal thanks to her father.

Slowly she looked over to the man in question, her eyes pink from fighting back the tears that wanted to fall. Despite the days she’s had, they weren’t for Ty and how much he hated her. They weren’t even for the mistake she had committed. Tossing her feet out of the car, she pushed herself to her feet, ignoring the hand offered to her. Everything was kind of a blur to her right now, and not because of the tears brimming her eyes. Most of her day had been spent thinking over Ty and what she destroyed, but now that she had been alone, truly alone, with her thoughts, they were all somewhere else. A clawed hand came to rest on her pelvis, feeling the cold metal of the belt that held her skirt to her hips and curling her sharp purple nails into it. There was a high pitched screeching noise from the action; like nails on a chalkboard. The sound sent her reeling back to her elementary and middle school days and caused her body to wrack with a displeased shudder.

“Is everything alright Mistress?” Sinclair’s stiff English accent asked, breaking through the desperate thoughts of the early morning. Blue met green and she sighed, hanging her head. Long, straight, purple hair swayed to the ocean breeze, the smell of salt and algae filling her senses. Was everything alright? Her somber thoughts wandered back through her past twenty-four hours. No. No, nothing was alright. Everything was so very not alright that it made her sick. Sicker than she had felt...Lillian bit into her bottom lip, blood being drawn almost instantly from how hard she was biting. She felt the sting of pain but ignored it the best she could. Maybe it was a sign that she was still human somewhere. That was a lie and she knew it, but she didn’t want to believe it.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Can we just go,” she muttered lowly as she reached back into her car and grabbed her duffle bag. Slinging it over her shoulder, she felt the strap lock in her wings and inwardly groaned. How long was this spell going to last?! She wanted her old body back honestly. She wanted to change her damn clothes! Get into something more comfortable and suitable for where she was going. Dressed like this...She’d be mauled, quickly.

Sinclair led her to the plane, patiently waiting as she boarded and then followed after her. Closing the door and locking it, he stepped into the cockpit and began his pre-flight check. Lillian threw her bag on one of the leather chairs and sighed as she dropped down into a seat. Immediately sinking into the seat, she lulled her head back against the headrest and stared out the tiny window. It wasn’t too long before she felt the pull of the plane speeding down the runway before taking off. She could see the lights moving at ridiculously fast paces before the ground began to move away from them. She was really leaving. This was the way she was saying her goodbyes...She always thought that if she was leaving on a trip, her daughter would be there to tearfully hug her goodbye and Ty...Well, of course he’d be there to kiss her, tell her he loved her, to have a safe trip and see her when she got back.

New tears sprang into her eyes at the thought. Both arms came to wrap themselves around her abdomen as she brought her knees up to her chest, toes dangling off the edge of the seat. Dropping her head against her knees, her shoulders began to shake as she whimpered out small cries. Some of them were because she couldn’t have that scene right now, but most of them were for a reason unrelated. She still couldn’t get over the fact that it was gone. Just like that. She still was completely positive, but the early symptoms were the same as the ones she had with Sela. She had already started having morning sickness and being unable to eat things because of her food aversion. It wasn’t fair! Two things precious to her ripped away so suddenly and without a care.

Nineteen hours later the sound of Sinclair’s voice woke her up. Garnet eyes flashed open, jumping in her seat in surprise. Looking around, she leaned over in her seat and saw the change in her surroundings. It was bright as hell outside! Actually, that was a hilarious thought because despite all the fire, it was pretty dim and dark there. Shifting around in her seat, she noticed an uncomfortable feeling poking at her back. Turning slightly, she noticed her wings were fake again. Finally! With a relieved huff, she tore the wings off and bolted upright. “Where are we?” she asked as she reached up for her duffle bag so she could change finally. Being stuck in that costume was annoying as all hell!

“Pamukkale, Mistress. As requested,” he replied with a small bow. Looking at her, he knew something was wrong but the likely hood of her telling him was slim to none. He knew Lillian was a tough woman, but every once in a while she needed to confide in people. He knew from the very day she was born, he knew when things were bothering her. Even if he didn’t know the specific reason, he always knew when she was upset; and not just angry. His green gaze drifted over to her shoulders, noticing a new bite mark. Had Mister Havens marked her? It was odd that she hadn’t spoken a word about him or her daughter since boarding the plane, or even in the last few times they had talked. Perhaps something was wrong with them. A fight maybe? But from the sound of her sobs, it wasn’t any normal fight. Then again, most fights with Lillian weren’t normal. His eyes followed as she took her duffle bag to the bathroom with her, most likely to change. Clothes like the ones she was wearing would be impractical for her to wear. He didn’t know what she was planning on doing, but he knew where she was going and knew that a set of more practical clothes were needed.

“Thanks Sinclair,” she muttered as she came walking out of the bathroom, dressed in completely different clothes. She looked more like a biker chick now. She was putting her hair up as she thanked him, looking at him over the rim of her aviator sunglasses. Once her hair was up properly, she turned back to the bathroom, grabbed her duffle bag, slung it over her shoulders and walked past him. “Come on, let’s get this over with,” she said with an exasperated tone. She really didn’t want to do this but if there was any chance of getting her family back, she’d do anything for that. Walking to the door, she opened it and jogged down the stairs.

“Mistress, I still think this a bad idea,” Sinclair told her as he followed. “Yeah, well I’m full of those lately so what’s one more?” she replied dryly, over her shoulder. Walking over to the large monument that looked like free standing stone doors, Lillian craned her neck back to look at the massive architecture. Licking her lips, she took in a deep breath, feeling her shoulders rise high before exhaling and dropping them. She was really doing this. There was no turning back now, she was already here. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She knew that if she asked, Sinclair would be more than willing to take her back home, but then what would that accomplish? She came here for a reason! If she didn’t do this everyone would just think of her as the demonic whore. That stung. Her hand came up to grip the strap of her duffle bag as if to try and find some misplaced sense of comfort. There was no comfort here. If she didn’t steel her nerves then she’d never come back out, and she promised Sela that she’d come back for her.

Coming up beside her, Sinclair cleared his throat as he wrapped gloved fingers around the stone door. “Are you ready Mistress?” he asked as he peered over to her with apprehension. He didn’t want her doing this. He knew the kind of man her father was, and knew of his inner circles. He was also aware that many didn’t like that she was granted his position when she had no formal training or right to take his place. It seemed to him, she was an outcast in both her birthplaces. “No, but I’m going anyways,” she replied with a surprising amount of confidence, but then again she was known for hiding and avoiding everything. With a steady look, he nodded slowly and flexed the muscles in his arms to pull open the heavy door.

As the door opened, the sun suddenly became blocked by clouds, shadowing over them with ominous intent. The air suddenly became thick with dread, and terror and the door was only opened a sliver. A deep black fog rolled out from the door, covering the immediate area and surrounding their ankles like shackles being placed on them. In the eerie shade, the sounds of hiss like laughter could be heard all around them. It was as if they were taunting and beckoning all at the same time. Empty hopelessness filled her black heart as she stared at the opening door. The more it opened, the heavier the feeling got. Behind the stones a swirling, fiery portal boomed and crackled, electrifying the air around them and actually hurting her ears. Her hearing may not be as sensitive as her daughter’s or Ty’s, but it was enough to hurt still.

The moment that door opened all the way, Lillian felt as if she had been punched square in the chest. Placing a hand against her chest, she doubled over a moment as the wind was knocked out of her. Her eyes swirled with the demonic nature behind them as she felt an overwhelming want to cause mass amounts of pain and destruction. She felt a need to tempt people to sin and cause panic. She could feel her demon struggling to get free of her human form and she dropped to her knee as she fought it back. A ringing in her ears of whispering voices telling her to commit unspeakable acts of terror, blocked out the sound of Sinclair’s worried tone as he came up beside her. Ignoring his touch, she wheezed as her hand slowly slid up to her throat, the taste of sulfur and blood on her tongue. Disgusting! The combined tastes were horrific and made her want to cut out her own tongue so she wouldn’t have to taste them any longer. She could feel her wings pushing at her back, wanting to spring out and take her off to the nearest town and wreak havoc everywhere she could. It had been so long since she was anywhere near Hell that this feeling was so overwhelming it was hard to fight against. She had been spending all her time raising her daughter, working and looking for Ty that she hardly even remembered the feeling she was having now. It was like she was being suffocated from the inside out.

Although it took her a minute or two, she finally pushed Sinclair away and stood back up. She could do this. She wasn’t about to rely on her demonic form for help. It’s not like there would be much difference other than she could fly, but what good would that do her? Yes, she wanted to get where she was going as soon as possible, but this was also supposed to be a search of self not just a quest. Her stomach gave a nervous lurch before gripping the strap of her duffle bag once again for support. There would be no support for her once she stepped through. There would be no Sinclair. No Lysander. No Kaito. No Sela. And certainly no Ty. It would just be Lillian Marissa Hall; daughter of Pias and third General of the King’s army. On her right, inner forearm, a scar like lesion appeared on her skin in the shape of an ‘S’ with a line through the top and bottom curves of the letter; but all of it was covered by the sleeve of her red leather jacket.

“Mistress…-”

“How many times have I told you Sinclair? It’s just Lillian,” she cut him off as she looked back to him.

“Sorry...Lillian. But do you really think this a wise choice? You have no idea as to what could happen to you; what if you don’t come back? Think of your daughter,” he tried to reason with her, thinking what she was doing was a poor decision. Lillian turned her attention away from him and back to the swirling portal of death. What if she didn’t come back? As in if she died, or just chose not to leave? The only ones that would mourn would be her brother and daughter; everyone would easily go about their lives. The world would still spin.

“I am thinking of my daughter, even when I shouldn’t be. If my thoughts are clouded, I really won’t come back,” she retorted curtly. Taking a few steps forward, she stopped just in front of the swirling portal and stared at the fiery colors that danced before her eyes. They were hypnotic in a way. Maybe she felt a sense of comfort here, knowing she could get away with so many things and not be judged for her actions. Evil was welcomed here, where it wasn’t on the surface. Maybe that was why she always felt so out of place. She wasn’t welcomed. It was an imbalanced nature for a demon like her to be wandering around so carelessly on the streets and mingling with the human population. Although, other demons did it all the time. Did they feel the same way as she did? She may have been born of both worlds, but that didn’t mean she belonged in either of them.

Without a second thought, she stepped through. The only thing left of her existence on the surface, her daughter; who was thousands of miles away.