From a trade

I could tell the Sun was setting.

The warmth was upon my back, but yet a cool breeze brushed across my skin. The whispers of people around talking about how pretty it was panged me. Oh, how much I wanted to see it. They talked about its beauty, its magnificence, the way they’d never seen a sunset so pretty.

What time was it? I couldn’t tell. I was too afraid to speak up as I walked down the town streets, drawing my arms into the shadow of my body as if to protect myself. I was too far away from anyone to hear if they were talking about me, but I heard laughter, and happiness in the near distance. I could sense I was passing a family house as a child’s laughter pierced through the sound of leaves rustling.

As I walked nearer, the laughter stopped. I couldn’t tell why. There was a pounding of footsteps against concrete and a small child’s cry. I wasn’t sure what to do. Did I stand still? Did I keep moving? I felt panic start to set in, and hurried away. 

Their voices stuck in my head as I walked and I tried to push it out. My irritation began to grow. No one understood. I was just trying to enjoy myself on a nice night. How come no one could just let me walk past without saying anything? It sent a spear through my heart.

“What is that thing?”

“Get the kids back, quick!”

“That’s a monster, if I’ve ever seen one.”

I strayed farther away, into the streets. Eventually, the voices faded out, but echoed back to me in my head. I tried to push them away, I really did. But they kept returning, time and time again, as I hurried away from the house.

I don’t want to scare anyone. I could feel myself mouthing the words and gripping my face as I walked. The voices faded away as I strayed further into the town. Why do people always have to see me as a monster?

Truthfully, I wanted to know what I looked like. I’d never seen the horror. What made everyone different than me? How horrible did I actually look? I didn’t mean to look bad, it wasn’t my fault. No one understood that; they just saw the horrible face.

As I walked, I wondered what colors looked like. I’d heard people describe it to me before. The color of blue was like what you felt when you were sad, or the soothing feeling when there was warm rain against your skin. Red was the fury you felt at another person, the feeling of blood pumping through your veins when you loathed another person. The only color I knew was black. I didn’t really associate it with anything, and I couldn’t really understand when the few close friends I had explained it to me, from their perspective.

My irritation grew. If only that experiment wasn’t placed on me. Anyone else, but me. It could’ve happened to anyone else, made someone else a monster, made someone else unable to see colors. My anger grew, but I desperately pushed it away and focused on the warmth on my back.

I could tell I was approaching another boisterous part of the town. To be honest with myself, I didn’t know where in town I was. The thought frightened me; I’d been wandering for too long again. 

Another whisper sunk into my head as I started to sense the presence of two men. Were they outside of a bar? Their words were slurred, and their laughing was louder than any other sounds near. I couldn’t tell if they were talking about me. Everyone did, when I passed. My curiosity was too strong, and I dared to stray closer, but stayed my distance, cautious to not have the same situation as before.

I had to admit, I wasn’t as afraid as scaring two grown men than I was a couple of young children. I knew the comments would burn, regardless, but I just had to know if they were talking about me.

Sure enough, they were. I walked slowly to hear their comments more.

“What is that thing? Have you ever seen a monster so hideous? Is that even a human?”

“How is a creature like that not dead yet? Surely, someone in this town would’ve shot it by now. That’s definitely not human.”

“You’re right. Well, not my problem. I hope it gets out of my range, though. That thing could carry disease.”

As soon as I heard their horrid comments, I desperately wished I hadn’t. I forced myself away from them, where their voices faded into the darkness of the Sun falling underneath the horizon. I wasn’t completely sure the sunset was ending, but the breeze was getting cooler, and the warmth fading away.

I wasn’t entirely sure if the Sun was setting, because people were still talking about it. I was far enough away from them for them to not be talking about me. My footsteps started to become heavier as I walked closer to more people. I sensed them talking about me. I couldn’t hear it exactly but I knew they were. They always talked about me.

I started to feel my emotions bubbling, daring to spill out in an outburst. I choked them back, holding my breath. So this is what the color of red felt like. The hatred building up inside me, the pounding of my heart and shaking of my limbs. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Where was home? I wanted to get back. The thought consumed my head, and I hurried along the streets, soaking in the whispers for any hints to where I was.

The sound of someone running caused an abrupt stopping in my walking. Were they running toward me? I couldn’t tell.

“Hello! Yes, you!” 

The voice was surprisingly bright. Panic was starting to urge me. I’d had it happen to me before. Someone would approach me nicely, and then ask me those horrible, rude questions. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I just wanted to be alone, where the whispers weren’t bothering me, where people couldn’t look at my awful face.

“Are you lost?” The voice belonged to a man’s. It sounded like a teenager, a bright, youthful voice unharmed from age. “You look lost.”

“Do you think I can’t take care of myself?” I couldn’t control my emotions. My voice exited my throat in a hasty growl, and my elongated fingers wrapped around themselves. “I’ll find my way back. You’ll just make fun of me, like the others.”

I want to be alone, I want to be alone. The thought rushed through my head. I need to be alone.

“I can help you, really!”

The voice was grating on my nerves, and my adrenaline began to pump. My heartbeat shook my entire body. I wanted to go. I needed to get away of him. I turned away, facing my back to him.

He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Are you sure?”

I whipped around at the contact, punching out my fist. He yelped as I made contact with his body, kicking him away as I defended myself. My perception and thoughts blurred as I attacked, shoving him and hitting anything I could feel. His yells were muffled, and I couldn’t think, I couldn’t process.

My breathing was heavy. In a flash, I felt as if I would be the person collapsing. But I didn’t stop my emotions, and I couldn’t stop fighting. I began to feel a stickiness on my fists and fingers. I wasn’t sure if it was my blood or his blood. Was he fighting back? Was I feeling pain? I couldn’t tell.

“Let me go!” 

I didn’t realize I was holding onto him until I let him go. 

“Monster!” he yelped as I released my grip, and he scrambled off while yelling. The voices in the area began to pick up as he limped away, feet dragging in his path. I stayed completely still as my body calmed down from the attack, and my mind began to spin even greater. “Get it away from me!”

“Hey!” another man’s voice was close by. I spun around toward the direction it came from. “Get out of here! You cruel monster!”

I am a monster. I breathed heavily with gasps in as the man approached. Look at what I caused. Hurt. He was bleeding, scared. No one people think I’m a horrible creature. I act as bad as I look. 

Run.

I sprinted away from the situation. My breath was already lost from the fight, but I had to run. They’d kill me. They’d stone me to death, or some other cruel punishment. I knew it. I knew they would. They saw me hurt a person. I justified their fear.

Guilt split through me as I ran. I had to get home, had to get home. I didn’t know where home was. I wanted to get home, wanted to be alone. I just needed time to sort out my thoughts and be alone.

So I ran… I kept running. I’d find home… eventually.