Heist

The raft bobbed gently on the water, carrying its rider towards the great unknown. Without a paddle or a sail, she was completely at the mercy of the waves.

She didn’t know where she was, but based on the intensity of the sun, she was somewhere south of nowhere about a mile from hell. Or the ocean region.

It wasn’t the worst scrape Hexanna had even been in. Here at least the only thing trying to kill her was nature, not a royal guard, or a crazy cult, or another ex boyfriend. Hexanna loved a good heist. She would heist a paper crown from Queen Iola’s castle if she was bored enough. And she had grabbed some good items in her time. A stack of gold bars, a jewel encrusted dagger, ancient magic tomes, various clothing items, plenty of abble wine of course. So when she heard a rumor some artifacts were being moved from the old museum to a new facility, she just had to take a chance.

Security had been tight. There were Royal Reserve Guards in every possible position. Hexanna knew she was good, but was she this good? Sitting inside the moving wagon, rifling through boxes, she answered her own question. She was the best. Then the wagon stopped unexpectedly. Hexanna paused and pressed a fin against the door to listen. The guards were discussing which route to take. Okay, so they were lost. No biggie. But it became a real biggie when she heard the lock being taken off the door.

Hexanna was hanging upside down, with her loot on the roof and her dress flipped up past her waist, when she heard the door open. “Bad day to wear a thong, eh boys?”

“You-“ But he didn’t get any farther than that before Hexanna blasted him in the chest with a fireball. (Thank god for conveniently placed mirrors.) She flipped upright and pulled herself through the hole in the roof. Unfortunately, all the guards had been alerted to her presence when she had knocked their coworker onto his ass.

“Hexanna Thorne, you are under arrest! Climb down peacefully and surrender yourself.”

“Mm, okay. Just-“ Hexanna reached up into her hair.

“Show us your hands!” The captain said. Hexanna counted ten arrows and thirty spears pointed at her.

“You asked for it.” She lobbed the potion at the ground. Nothing happened. “Not again. Hold on I get three swings!” Before any of the guards could respond, she fished another bottle out of her hair and chucked it. This time, smoke filled the narrow forest path. All of the guards disappeared in a purple cloud. (She added a special blend of berries to make the smoke match her hair, because aesthetics are important.) They could still see her, of course, but not for long. The wagon wasn’t in the best position, but she was low on choices. She steadied herself, then took a magnificent, flying leap off the wagon roof. Hexanna imagined she look like some kind of poofy haired angel. She imagined she looked less like an angel when she missed the tree by a yard and landed in the dust.

“Over here!” Someone called.

Hexanna swore, then took off. She had a decent head start over the guards, but she was weighed down by a sack of priceless artifacts.

“Don’t do it!” The captain huffed as Hexanna hoisted up the bag.

“Sorry, I gotta.” She lobbed the bag backwards at her pursuers.

Hexanna bolted towards the shore, only because she was smart enough not to run into the city. The sound of boots thumping the ground increased as she reached the ocean. She ran out onto the dock before realizing it was a dead end.

“Dead end.” The captain said, smirk evident even through his helmet.

“Yeah, I already knew that.” Hexanna replied. The captain and the other guards were all lined up on the shore.

“If I have to come and get you, things will only get worse.”

“Can they really get worse?” Hexanna found that yes, they could, when the captain stomped over to her and started aggressively patting her down. “I would say you should buy me some abble wine first, but I would be lying.”

“Shut up.” The captain pulled junk from Hexanna’s pockets like a magician tugging on a strand of handkerchiefs.

He got to a small, green tube. “What even is this shit?”

“I’ll tell you if you let me go.”

“I’ll pass.” The captain went to drop the item onto the ground with the rest.

Hexanna caught it by the loop on the string. “I’ll tell you anyways. It’s how I’m going to get outta here.” She quickly pinned it between her knees, then yanked the cord. The raft blew up, though not quite as fast as Hexanna was expecting. She flopped down on the half expanded raft.

“Hey!” The captain reached out for her getting her by her boot.

“I wouldn’t if I were you.” But the captain ignored her, yanking hard on her foot, causing it to separate itself from her ankle inside her boot.

“What the-“ He felt the space between her ankle and her leg but couldn’t process what it was.

“I know right?” Hexanna took her chance. She used her good foot to kick herself off the dock. “Byeee!” She waved at the legion of angry guards. One lobbed his spear at her raft and she caught it. “Haha, it’s mine now, loser.” The guard hung his head in shame. Hexanna’s departure wasn’t as dramatic as she would have liked, since the currents were weak. But eventually she drifted out of the RRG’s sight.

That had been some time ago. “How long have I been out here?” She asked aloud. “Five days? A week?” Hexanna checked her watch. “Four hours. Huh.” She let her arm fall back to the side and continued staring at the sky. Playing “don’t blink” with the sun was usually a bad idea, but it felt like the cinematic thing to do.

At least it wasn’t for nothing. Hexanna wriggled her hand down her boot and pulled out her treasure. A few years back (before she had obtained a copy of the cell door master key) she had been locked up for a few years. Those nasty guards had taken her stuff and when she went to reclaim it at the end of her sentence, something important was missing. She ran her thumb over her prize. A limited edition, 1979 MonMon trading card, featuring freakachu wearing a witch’s hat. It had a value of $100 if sold in the protective zipper sleeve, but Hexanna would never sell it. You don’t treat a piece of history like that.

The heat from the sun was making Hexanna thirsty. She really wished she could get off the raft and into a bar. Hexanna sat up and tucked the trading car into her hair. “Nothing but water as far as the eye can see. Good thing I’m half fish.” And with that, Hexanna gave up her dramatic life as a castaway and dove into the ocean.