Whiskey

“What am I doing?”

 That had been the question plaguing Morgan’s mind as he stumbled through the town with a bottle of the finest whiskey clutched in his hand. The night air felt good against the warmth of his face, the alcohol was potent on his breath, he knew that. There had been a rainstorm which had stopped not too long ago, the clean smell it had left welcomed Morgan as he stumbled through the streets. There was only one place where he was going. He was like a man possessed, by what? Well, who knew at this point. He did, but he was denying how he felt for so long. It had started so long ago. His first time leaving the comfort of home to wander the world, the very first town he had visited on his journey had a stable boy… a sweet man named Buck. While he had been big and scary on the outside, there was a much more gentle side to the bull. Buck who loved nature and especially the animals that nature provided. Everything about him had pulled Morgan in. But, like everything in Morgan’s life, he got scared and when Morgan got scared, he was prone to leaving.

 
That’s exactly what Morgan had done. Just as things had started to get good, Morgan saw that everything was perfect and that terrified him. So, he climbed onto his horse, Bessie, after backing his gunny sack and took off in the middle of the night when Buck was asleep without so much as a message to leave behind for Buck. Morgan didn’t know how to explain why he left so abruptly, if he was being honest he had been ashamed for leaving him in such a way. Buck was kind and sweet, he deserved more than a wordless goodbye and thus began the endless cycle to come. Morgan couldn’t bring himself to stay away, to forget about that stupid town and to forget the sweet man that was there. Why did he do this? Buck deserved better than this…better than him. Yet, here they were. The first time he had done this, Morgan was expecting Buck to laugh at him and tell him to go back to the saloon where he had come from and sleep it off. Even if he would have done that, who could blame him? But… he didn’t. Ever since that first acceptance, every couple of months Morgan would visit. Things would be good…great even, Buck would listen as Morgan discussed his most recent travels and tend to Bessie and it would be as though no time had passed. But, the moon would rise high in the sky and it was almost like a devil took over Morgan. He would find his favorite whiskey and pour himself some shots… time would pass and the more he would drink the less sounds he heard around him. The band playing their upbeat tunes eventually drowned out and turned into the sweet sound of Buck’s laughter. The people talking and chattering excitedly turned into Buck smiling and telling stories about the outsiders he had met. Everyone, everything all came back to buck.

Then, Morgan would drag himself away from the comfort of the saloon and instead he would walk down the streets to find the one he wanted, Buck and he would rant about things, Buck was always pretty vague about what he would say in these moments… that fact had always made Morgan concerned that he was saying things which were embarrassing or hurtful. The thought that he was hurting Buck had been the greatest fear in his mind.

 As Morgan wandered up to the front of the modest house, he felt the blood rushing through his veins as blush creeped up into his neck. Tonight was different, while he had been drunk it was only to a point where he was going to remember tomorrow… he HAD to remember. He had to know what the drunk mind was speaking. Morgan hesitated, taking a long gulp of the whisky before wiping his mouth and licking his lips after. There was no going back this time, he had to be brave and confront whatever was going on in his mind. He knocked on the door, leaning against the wall beside it and taking a deep breath to steady himself and hopefully get rid of the damn blush that was still creeping up into his face like a slow acting poison. Just as he had anticipated, Buck opened up the door and rubbed sleep from his eyes with a yawn. The sight of it had made Morgan’s heart skip a beat… just as always. Buck was big and intimidating. But, seeing him half awake made the courage grow. After all, if Buck was half-awake maybe he wouldn’t remember what was about to happen as well.

“Morgan, what are ya doin’? ‘S late” Buck grumbled and Morgan swore he wanted to just grab the man and kiss him
“I had to see you.” Morgan responded, rambling out quickly, “I know, I know I have made a huge mess of us… of everything we could have had and ‘m sorry” Morgan slurred out the last bit, clearly that last drink he had was making it a bit harder to talk. The cool night air and the fresh scent of rain helped ground Morgan, ‘Remember, you have to remember this conversation no matter what’.

“Morgan… I know, we do this every time”
That’s when it hit him, he had actually brought the bottle to show how much he had consumed! It wasn’t that much! Well, at least it hadn’t been that much in Morgan’s eyes. To further his point, Morgan lifted his bottle up proudly. The amber liquid sloshed inside as he did so and an amused expression had come across Buck’s face.
“I see May got your favorite drink for you” Buck jested with the drunk before approaching him and setting an ar around his shoulders to guide him into the house, an action which Morgan accepted with no hesitation.

“You don’t know… you don’t this time everythin’ is different Buck. I am tired of always running, running from you and running from… everything, but especially you. I need your help, to show me that there is more to life than always running from everything when I get scared. I want to remember this conversation, I haven’ had much to drink tonight, I want to make you happy.”

The words seemed to catch Buck’s attention, “You are scared?” a small frown worked its way across his features, “...of me?”

“You terrify me Buck… but not in a bad way. When I see ya my heart starts skipping beats, I think carefully about what I say because I don’t want to look like a fool in front of ya. Please, please don’t send me away t’nigh. I promise. I want to do better than what I have been Buck. Help me, please”

Buck considered the words carefully, seeming to juggle everything which had been said and taking into account everything which Morgan had told him. Biting his lip as he thought on it, Buck nodded, “Let me get you a blanket.” Just as he was walking away, Morgan looked after him and whispered softly to himself, “Thank you Buck…thank you.”