Don't Look Back

Life started with very simple steps, and the steps to end it can be even simpler… You never know what is dear to you until it is gone.

As long as I’ve known, I’ve been put through hardships. I’ve fought for my ability to speak up and stand out amongst the people who tried to drown me out, fought for my ability to reject what is expected from me, and most of all, I’ve earned the ability to be myself no matter what gets in my way.

I recall a time long ago when I was once unable to stand up for myself. I was naive and young, and I was learning. I was once a concerned soul, one with empathy and a dream for change… I was once a helpless soul, too. One who was ignored by my peers, and thought of as stuck up or too odd. I was a lost cause, but still trying my best. Despite my hardships, I continued hoping for a change, and for others around me to accept me, but those hopes were never answered.

The world betrayed me over and over again. My spirit was beaten down until I eventually stopped caring about anyone around me at all. I simply refused to be the victim any longer.

As you can tell, my life didn’t go the way I wanted. A voice inside of me told me I was always destined to be alone, no matter how hard I pushed, and my efforts would always fail. I couldn’t be loved. No one would love a being like me...

...Until I met my other half.

Though our meeting was somewhat unorthodox, we managed to make it all work out.

Sirius treated me as though I was his equal. I think he saw me as an extension of himself in some ways. we understood each other, we shared emotions, and it felt so natural. I never doubted we could get along forever.

Exsynth made me feel like I wasn't just a monster.  They saw beyond that, they cared about what was happening to me more than anything else. I never wanted to be separated from them, I wanted to protect them with my life…

… Ahem.

Our goals once were entirely different, but as we bonded, we understood what made the other feel the way they do and it only served to push us further to achieving our desires.

Not only that, but we genuinely enjoyed each other’s presence and got to learn more about each other.

Some of us like art…

Others like taking care of wild animals…

The point is, it felt like we were destined to be partners…even if at first, it was decided by a curse that we both previously despised.

Unfortunately, we only managed to get a small taste of what love truly felt like, until one of us lost ourselves to hatred.

A thought was brought up, one that the Exsynth part of myself was …quite skeptical about. Exsynth wasn’t too fond of the idea but wanted to help Sirius do whatever he thought was necessary.

He mentioned that one of his biggest goals was to find and destroy his older brother, Procyon. The supposed “dark prince” living in Noctem Mansion. It really seemed like it would be a breeze! We’d simply walk into the mansion, execute him, and then finish off the rest of the residents in the mansion afterward.

…That’s not really what happened at all.

When we first entered the building I noticed that Sirius had a very crazed look in his eyes… His twitches had been getting much worse, and I just knew that he had been losing himself over the course of those last few weeks. That scared me. The fear that I could not do anything to stop him from doing something reckless made it almost impossible for me to function. Still, I persevered.

I watched him rush in to find his brother and pin him to a wall, letting out deranged laughter as he dug his claws deep into his flesh. Procyon clenched his teeth in pain but didn’t seem to shift from his place to escape, instead, it looked like he was planning something.

For minutes on end, Sirius continued to savor the ‘fear’ that he saw in Procyon’s eyes. He started looking more and more manic until eventually, the only thing left was his purely animalistic instinct to hunt. I could hardly tell if he had the mind to remember what we came here for anymore. I could hardly recognize his eyes. He had truly gone off the deep end.

I wish I could have warned him about what happened next, but I didn't see it coming.

Within a fraction of a second, a stake was driven into Sirius's heart. Procyon wasted no time in shoving his younger brother off of him and onto the ground to watch him die. Strangely, I felt the pain in my own heart, too. I felt as if I'd die along with my partner, there was nothing I could do about it.

I dropped to my knees and held onto Sirius's lifeless hand, trembling in place while awaiting doom. I can not even begin to explain the pure overwhelming emotions I felt in that moment. It was a mix of grief, love, and rage, a strong combination of feelings that caused my soul to take on a newfound strength I hadn't yet accessed before.  It surrounded me and Sirius in warm energy, causing our souls to combine into one, leaving me at a loss for words when I rose to my feet once more after what I was sure would be my final moments.

Everything after that felt like a blur, images of many different memories kept flashing left and right, but they were very difficult to place…

It took quite a while before I fully grasped who I became. More memories flashed as I kept my eyes closed in an attempt to remember my past.

When I opened my eyes again, my attention was called to the floor where I saw Procyon's body lying there. Blood was on my hands, and though I didn't remember how it happened, I knew I had finally completed my goal to end his life.

I proudly raised the head of the one who wronged me for so long. Feeling his blood dripping on my face only made me feel more euphoric. It was my end goal, but not only that, I definitely felt like something was different about me.

I stopped feeling as if two people were controlling a single body, in fact, I feel like I’m just…me. And, with the stories of two people up my sleeves, I feel like I can only move forward, not as Sirius & Exsynth, but as a singular being. I am me. I am…Decapitator.

I continued reliving the great memories I cherish as Capi before something snapped out of my thoughts.

“Capi,” I heard a voice call to me. “Capi, hey, are you alright?”

My eyes lift from the ground and lock onto the first person I see. A figure who looks scarily like Sirius stares me down, our gaze hovering on each other. He had a dark demeanor with an outfit of black and red, as well as a few brown streaks in his otherwise white hair…

“You’ve been staring at that wall for a long time, is something wrong?”

“...Deci” I mutter, coming to my senses. This was a friend, my family, my twin… I couldn’t help but smile, laughing under my breath. “Nothing is wrong, I was just… thinking.”

Deci seemed a little confused by what I was doing, as he usually was. But, I couldn’t help but smile anyway. After all, that was just part of his charm! “Curious. You should tell me about those thoughts sometime.” The eldritch horror smirked while also giggling.

“Oh, Deci, maybe I’ll get to share with you my own story after all…while you also tell yours, of course! It would be interesting to see how similar we are despite how different our stories are“, I responded while still enjoying some of the thoughts I was still having.

I watched as my twin playfully sighed. “Alright, but not before you manage to punch me once!” He roared as he started floating away while giggling. I followed him around while trying my hardest to punch him. Have I managed? Nope! But, I’m sure he’ll eventually open up!