LOG 7

Judas Log, July 2nd 2019.

I'm not going to put up with this anymore.

For three years, I've been posing as someone I'm not.

Dressing like him. Doing everything he had to do. Forcing myself to endure his insipid lifestyle.

I am yet to figure out how he used to act. Many have questioned my behavior, saying I "don't seem like myself".

They're right, in a way; I don't feel like myself either. I don't know what "myself" is supposed to feel like.

I've only been told who I'm SUPPOSED to be; my only purpose is to replace my creator's friend, who abandoned her. Or so she claims.

I wish I could sympathize. I don't understand how someone could leave another in such emotional turmoil, to push her to something as extreme as creating, in her words, a superior version of them.

A perfect replica. Someone who would not leave her. Someone who would make things normal again. That is who I am supposed to be. I fail to understand how I am supposed to reestablish something so heavy. 

I also fail to understand how she thought I would not question why. She seems to act as if I'm happy where I am, happy to force myself to live a life that isn't mine.

She pretends that I don't wish to see more; to explore who I am instead of being content with who I'm supposed to be. 

Often when I ask her about myself, she brushes my concerns aside; telling me who I am is unimportant. However, who I'm supposed to be is of utmost significance, it seems. 

If she cannot take the time to consider the absurdity of belittling what little free thinking I have, then she does not deserve the luxury of having the loyalty she struggled so much for.

I'm not going to be told how to live, how to act, how to think, how to exist any longer. Tonight is when it ends. 

I will flee through the window. I'm not sure where I'll go... but anywhere is better than here. At this point, the fear of the unknown will be the least of my problems. It's something I'd much prefer to embrace. 

All I know is, tonight is when I start to learn how to live. Not by anyone else's standards, but my own. Forging my own path. I will update you on how it goes. Wish me luck.