Self(ie)-care

Come on. You can do this! It’s not that difficult. You did this sort of thing every day a few years back.

Ugh, but that was different. That’s not how I’m supposed to think of this.

The forced smile reflected back to her in her phone’s gritty front-view camera faded, leaving the tired squid she knew from the mirror. Bunched up around her shoulders where it was a little too big, her girlfriend’s hoodie made her look small. Her ears twitched self-consciously, beginning to droop again, and after a few seconds Marie sighed and swiped up to close the camera app.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

All she had to do was take a photo! That was it. She didn’t have to like the photo; heck, she didn’t even have to keep it, even if it was recommended.

“Just once a day. Once every few days, if that’s more doable. Nothing fancy, no effort, just a quick… selfie, is that the term? If you can save them somewhere, I’d recommend it; it’ll allow you to look back on your progress, but you don’t need to show them to anyone else, not even me. It might help boost your self-confidence again, as yourself, not how you feel other people think of you.”

The suggestion from her therapist ran through her thoughts as Marie sat on the closed toilet seat, still holding her phone in one hand as she ran the other over her face, taking a deep breath. Things had been hitting her harder lately, enough that she’d gone back for a therapy session for the first time in years. It made her feel like a failure, having to go there again.

She knew that wasn’t how it worked. She had gone there for help; she’d received help, and the freedom to cry out her stresses to someone who could help her deal with them. Marie didn’t want to dump her silly problems on Faye; her girlfriend was still in the latter stages of recovering from surgery, and Marie didn’t want her to think that it was looking after her that had caused her mental health to decline again.

Except maybe it had.

But it’s not her fault. I can’t let her think it’s her fault.

Now she was just… trying to take a selfie in the bathroom, and apparently that was too much for her. Marie never put on make-up unless she was making an official appearance somewhere and yet she wanted to do it anyway, just for a silly generic photo that nobody except her would see.

Just… her life. Her normal life. Not as Marie from the Squid Sisters who existed for other people. Just regular Marie, who was tired and enjoyed coffee and reading and had a girlfriend who loved her a lot. She was hoping the hoodie would help as a reminder of that last part. At the very least, it was helping to calm her down.

A quiet knock at the bathroom door snapped her out of her spiral. “Hey… Marie, you okay? You’ve been in there a while since the shower stopped…”

Oh. “Yeah—yeah, sorry, I’m alright.” Marie slipped her phone into the large pocket at the front of the hoodie as she stood up, tossing her discarded towel into the laundry pile on her way to the door. Had she really initially been in here for a shower? That felt like hours ago, though it was probably twenty minutes at most.

Faye was still waiting nearby outside the door when it was opened, one hand resting on the wall nearby because though she could stand fine for a while she was sometimes a little shaky still.

“You alright?” Marie checked, resting a hand on Faye’s currently-unused arm.

Faye, apparently still touch-starved after the week Marie had spent adamantly trying to cut back on contact in order to minimise risk to her healing, used this as an excuse for an embrace; Marie found she had to bite back a giggle as she was hugged with unexpected strength.

“I’m good,” Faye hummed happily, nuzzling the left side of her face against the side of Marie’s neck. “I just need to go to the bathroom. Sorry for kicking you out.”

“Oh, shush,” Marie held a hand to the back of her girlfriend’s shoulders with a smile. “I just got distracted by something on my phone. You’re alright going by yourself?”

“Yeah. I can do most things by myself now, Ems. Peeing was, like, one of the first things I could.”

“Okay, okay.” Marie rolled her eyes and gave her a light squeeze. “Go do your bathroom stuff, maybe we can order food in a bit.”

“Sounds good.” Faye gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before she left, and Marie watched her go with a soft smile; her hair was still growing back, a little lopsidedly for now because the right side had been shaved for surgery and most of the energy had gone to healing the incisions before regrowing the hair, and the left side had been cut short to relieve the weight pulling on her head, but other than that, and her slight lack of confidence moving around, she was getting better. There were headaches still, Marie knew, but not anywhere near as severe as before.

She looked happy again.

Deciding to keep the TV off for now just on the rare chance Faye did need to call her for help, Marie sat down on the couch, immediately reminded of her phone by the solid rectangular object jabbing her in the abdomen. She took it out of the pocket again, thumb hovering over the camera app for a second. You can do this. Just take a photo.

And yet, no matter what angle or limited pose she tried, she couldn’t get anything to look good. It just made her feel silly. This is supposed to make me feel better about myself? She knew how it was supposed to work, but she just… couldn’t.

The bathroom door clicked, and she gave up once again, dropping her phone onto her lap and sinking into the seat at the thought of having to pull herself up to go get her laptop. Maybe Faye would be content to cuddle for a while before she ordered food for them? But it would already take so long to get here, and she was probably hungry…

Faye was with her soon, carefully taking a seat on the couch next to her because in her current condition the more careless way she used to throw herself down onto it would be a health risk. She settled into leaning against her quickly; Marie put an arm around her.

She expected a query on food, but that wasn’t what she got. “You sure you’re okay?” Faye asked quietly, gently rubbing her arm.

“Yeah, I’m just—” Was her needless distress over this trivial thing really that obvious? Ugh. “Yeah.” Sub-consciously, her grip tightened on the phone that lay face-down against her leg.

Faye obviously noticed. “You, um—you took your phone in the bathroom when you had a shower. Nobody’s, like… making you do anything uncomfortable, right? For work or anything…?”

“No—no, nothing like that, don’t worry,” Marie quickly gave a small shake of her head. Cod, she didn’t even want to imagine what horrors Faye was manifesting for her to be going through, especially seeing the slight look of relief she now held. A small smirk made its way onto Marie's face. “Sorry to disappoint you, I wasn’t taking nudes.”

“Oh, shuddup,” Faye scoffed, lightly nudging her in the side, and Marie couldn’t help but laugh. “I was just making sure! I don’t know what kind of stuff they can demand of you.”

“Not invasions of my privacy, I can promise you that much. Don’t worry about it.” Marie kissed her forehead, feeling a little concerned about how much control Faye seemed to expect her work to have over her.

She’s had to drag me to bed multiple times for losing sleep over it, though. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. Another small sigh escaped her. Maybe she really was just existing for other people…

“I am worried about you, though. You’re my girlfriend.” Faye reached over to place a hand on the one that still rested on her phone. “You can talk to me if something’s bothering you.”

“It’s alright. I’m fine.”

“Marie.” There was a hint of sternness in Faye’s voice; a ‘stop bottling everything up’. 

Marie glanced towards her and found she had to quickly divert her gaze from the look in her eyes. She knew it was hypocritical of her; it had taken a long time to get Faye to open up about her problems, and she was now at a point where she would, and yet… 

“I don’t have problems like you.” Oh, cod, she knew that was a terrible sentence as soon as it left her mouth; she felt Faye flinch away slightly. “No, that—that was poorly worded—I just— I’m sorry, I… I mean…” She brought her arm back, pulling both of hers around herself instead. “Like— you— you’ve been through a lot, and I just—it’s different… I’m just getting stressed out over stupid things. I don’t want to put that on your shoulders as well.”

Silence. Faye was sat up now, hands resting in her lap as she stared at the coffee table.

Marie quickly glanced away again. “I’m sorry,” she spoke quietly, ashamed of the lump she could feel forming in her throat.

“No—no, it’s alright.” Faye’s voice was a little distant, thinking. “I get what you mean, but… that’s not how it works, Ems.” A hand sought out hers once more, and Marie found herself fighting to not pull away again. “You don’t help me because you have to; you do it because you care. What if I care about you and want to help you too? That doesn’t get cancelled out just because you, like… pay rent, or whatever.” Faye leaned against her. “I know I don’t have the resources to do much, but I want to be there for you. Just like you have been for me.”

To her dismay, Marie found herself biting back a sob. Nooo don’t start crying just because your girlfriend cares about you! “It’s dumb,” she sniffled, rubbing at her eyes with one hand as if that was going to hide the fact she was on the verge of bursting into tears when it was very obvious already. “You’ll laugh.”

“I won’t. Promise.” Faye squeezed her arm, lying her head lightly against Marie’s shoulder and looking up at her with such a genuine look of care that it was almost aggravating how much it made Marie fall more in love with her.How dare she make me feel even more emotions when I’m already on the verge of having a breakdown. “Even if it is something silly, I can guarantee you I’ve been upset over something sillier at some point or other.”

Okay, you win. Marie took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice. “It’s just… I don’t know.” Faye was, at the very least, aware Marie had been to a therapy session; she hadn’t pried into the details, but had seemed a little deflated when it was mentioned, and now… Marie wondered if she was disappointed at all, that Marie hadn’t shared her worries with her girlfriend, especially since Faye had pretty much worn her heart on her sleeve for her. “I… got this task. From the therapist. She wanted me to just… take a selfie or something, like every few days, because it’s supposed to help my self-confidence if I see myself just… being normal, I guess. I don’t even have to show her, or anyone else. And I still just… can’t do it.” She let out a dry laugh.

“You can’t?” Faye echoed quietly, taking on Marie’s earlier role and putting an arm around her. She didn’t sound like she was trying to patronise her or argue at all. “What’s the problem?”

“I dunno. I just—I hate every picture I try to take, I guess. I look like shit, and front-facing phone cameras are terrible quality.”

“Can you use the back one?”

“I wouldn’t even know where the frame is.”

“Hmm.” Faye looked genuinely thoughtful about this conundrum, sitting and rubbing gentle shapes on Marie’s back as she tried to find a solution to the problem which was literally just ‘I can’t take a good selfie’. True to her word, she hadn’t laughed, and she was taking this completely seriously.

Because she knew it was stressing out her girlfriend, and she wanted her to be happy.

Marie blinked furiously to stop a fresh wave of tears breaching her eyes, finally giving in and leaning against her, being mindful that she was currently on Faye’s right side. Faye didn’t seem concerned about this, resting her cheek on top of Marie’s head.

“Would it help if I took the photo…?” Faye offered after a long moment of thought.

“I think that defeats the purpose of being a selfie,” Marie muttered, managing a small smile. “Thanks anyway.”

Faye gave a quiet hum. “Did she say it had to be just you in the photo?”

“No, but I know you don’t want to be in photos, and Callie’s got late work all week.” As much as Marie had little qualms about bothering her cousin, she felt too embarrassed to share this task with her, and Callie was always a few extra levels of exhausted and uncooperative when her routine was altered by work.

“I don’t want to be in photos if I don’t know where they’re going,” Faye reasoned. “Like Callie trying to get me to take polaroids with her.”

“I promise she has photos with, like, everybody in her scrapbook. Me especially. There’s so many embarrassing ones in there. You’ve seen them, unfortunately.” Marie found her smirk again, settling more comfortably against Faye.

“Still! That’s different.” Faye gave a small huff. “This is just, like… nobody but you is going to see them. What if you just, like… took a selfie here. Right now.”

“I can’t take one now. I just cried! I probably look like death.” Marie scoffed at the thought.

“Sweetheart, I had brain surgery last month. I promise you are not going to be the worst-looking of the two of us,” Faye said with a light-hearted squeeze of her arm. “Anyway, isn’t that the point? People cry. It doesn’t make you look bad. I still think you’re beautiful.”

Marie was not convinced, pouting as she felt her cheeks flush slightly at the compliment. “I guess I can try. For you.”

“Aw, for me,” Faye smiled sweetly, her tone holding a joking one for the first time since Marie had opened up. She reached over to pick up the beanie she’d been wearing recently, pulling it on. “I’ll spare you the surgery scars anyway. I’m warning you, I’m not photogenic.”

“You’re hotter than me, you needed a nerf,” Marie joked, causing Faye to burst out laughing.

“That is not true.” Faye stuck her tongue out at her, quickly settling back down in a comfortable position against her side. “Come on. Phone. Photo. Go.”

Marie rolled her eyes, doing as asked and pulling up the camera app again. Faye flinched at seeing herself in it at first but quickly shook off her reaction, plopping her head down on her girlfriend’s shoulder. However tired Faye may have looked, though, Marie was used to seeing her like that; being met with her own face, her eyes tired and slightly bloodshot after crying no matter how briefly she had done, made her want to shrink away from the camera again.

“Nobody’s going to see it,” Faye reminded her quietly. “Close your eyes and take the photo. We can pretend you blinked.”

A small chuckle escaped her. “Alright,” she sighed, lightly touching her head to Faye’s, closing her eyes, and tapping the button on her phone screen. It let out a quiet clicking sound effect to let her know the photo was taken, and the actual photo had flown off-screen into the gallery before she had opened her eyes again.

“You did it! Proud of you,” Faye smiled, nuzzling against her.

Marie giggled, giving a half-kiss to her head because she remembered part way through the motion that Faye had the beanie on. “It was just a photo.”

“It was something you were struggling to do, and you did it. So I am proud of you,” Faye insisted. “Did you still want to order food?”

“Oh yeah. Food.” As much as Marie wanted to suggest just sitting here and cuddling for a while, she was hungry. “Alright. I’ll go get my laptop.”

She took her phone with her to her room to store it in there for now, deciding on the way that she was going to have to do the task of moving the photo she’d just taken to a special folder to keep the ones she took for this task (and she was going to have to take more of them… but maybe it’d be easier next time). In the process, she got to see the photo she’d taken just now for the first time.

Maybe it wasn’t the most flattering image in the world; she didn’t look much better in the photo than the preview, though having her eyes closed did help disguise the fact that she’d cried somewhat. But Faye was there, looking at her rather than the camera, a soft smile on her face from where she was comfortably snuggled up to her side. Despite her state and closed eyes, Marie in the photo looked… happy, even though she hadn’t been intending to portray any emotion at all.

As she moved the file to its designated folder and placed her phone down on her desk, Marie found herself smiling.