Let's run away.

!! heads up; this passage contains neglect, verbal abuse, and transphobia !!

Please provide at your own risk and remember to take care of yourself :)

This passage is written from the perspective of a 10 year old. Words will be in the wrong tense or oversimplified for the sake of realism.

My name is Cotton. Well, my outside name is Forrest. But my inside name is Cotton. Charlie says my inside name is the name that matters the most because it matters the most to me.

This morning I woke up in Charlie’s bed today. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares he says. He said that I got so scared that I started to go to bed in his bed everyday. I don't remember any nightmares, but it’s ok. I like sleeping in my brother’s bed. When I get up he wasn't next to me. I put my foot on the floor and a chilly feeling runs up my back.

When I left the room I grabbed Charlie’s old hoodie he was too big to wear and left to go eat breakfast quickly. My brother was waiting for me with the waffles and eggs he makes specially for me everyday. We made sure to be quiet while we ate. Next to my plate was some bottles. Usually Charlie takes them away to the back of the house before, but after he and Mom had the talk about me and my new name there's been more and more everyday. Now she stays in her room and me and Charlie leave before she gets up. Sometimes when I hear her when I get up and that's when Charlie lets me eat breakfast in his bed. He never sits with me though. 

Eventually it was time to leave. My backpack was left in Charlie's room, so I ran over there before I followed him out the door. I go to 5th grade. Charlie always walks me to my class and I always have to hold his hand in the hallway. He started making me after he found the older kids playing jokes on me. He got in trouble after he started doing it back. I didn’t see him or Mom all around the house for the rest of the day. It was nice that day because I got to make dinner myself so I can practice it for when Charlie gets tired like me and I can make dinner for him back. Sometimes I wonder if Charlie’s my real Mom because he does all the normal things like cleaning and cooking. 

When we walked outside Charlie sighed really loudly. He does that a lot. When I asked him about it he said that it’s a good sigh, like how people cry when they're really happy. Charlie turned around to close the door when all the sudden there was noises coming from the living room. Charlie looked at me and signaled for me to run around to the corner where she can’t see me. We do this a lot.

While I hide around the corner Charlie stays In front of the door. I hear Mom yell but I didn't hear what she said. The door makes the noise when it opens and I hear footsteps. 

“Cotton. What kind of a name is that?” Then she scoffed. Charlie says its rude to scoff because it means you think the person is silly.

“It’s hers, Mom. It’s who she is,” Charlie fights back with words. I peak around the corner and he was glaring at her. Glaring is just as mean as scoffing, but this time it was ok because Mom was being mean about my name before. When Charlie told Mom about my new name she got more mean, which is crazy because I didn't think she could be any meaner. Now she just hides in her room and sometimes comes out to do things like this.

“I’m not doing this with you right now. We have to go to school,” he responds. Mom scoffs again and then closes the door really hard and it makes a loud noise. Charlie turns around and hugs me. He blinks really fast which usually means he was about to cry, so I hug him tighter. I like to pretend their happy tears because I don't want him to be sad, or I'll be sad.

We start walking to school, and I grab Charlie’s hand just in case.

“Charlie?”

“Yeah?” He answers but it’s one of those times that he’s too distracted to answer real questions. I decide to ask anyway.

“What’s wrong with Mom?” There was a really long pause before he looks at me and the tears come back. I squeeze his hand tighter and wrap my other arm around his. It’s the only thing I know how to do. It doesn’t usually work, but my teacher says it’s better to try than to not. This time he looks at me and smiles, which is new.

“I’m just like you,” He says, which confuses me even more. “I was your age when I realized I didn’t like who I was. I had an inside name too,” My eyes go really big because he never told me this before. I stay quiet so he keeps talking.

“I was born a girl,” 

“Really?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking because it was so surprising.

He smiled, “Yes. I didn’t feel like a girl, though. Mom was like me, she would cook, clean, and do all the Mom stuff,” 

I frowned. Since forever she never did any of that for me. Never since I remember.

“When you were born you were all she cared about. She would cook and clean for you. Not me,”

I made a face like when you take a bite of lemon. Even though I knew I would get in trouble, I wanted to punch her in the face. No matter what I did I don’t think there would be anything as bad as what she did to Charlie.

“I decided to keep my name, because it worked for both genders.” He paused, “But you…”

I smile, and he smiles back.

“When you told me you wanted to change your name and be who you were, I got so excited. But I suppose it wasn’t her favorite thing for her least favorite child to tell her that her baby is taking after them.”

“But I want to be like you!” I really wanted him to know that. I knew Mom was mean, but I think he should know that other people like him too. I know if someone was mean to me like that Charlie would tell me it’s OK. “It’s OK,” I say because it usually helps me. He laughs, and I think that means I helped.

“She really liked you. But I think when you decided to be trans it kind of broke her.”

“Is that why she’s mean to you?”

“Yes.” He smiles at me again. I don't understand why but maybe it’s like his good sighs. Maybe it’s a sad smile.

“Charlie?”

He hums.

“When you leave highschool…” I go quiet because I'm trying to find the smart words. Charlie’s smile goes away. “Are you going to move away?”

This time my eyes are the ones that get wet with tears.

“I don’t know,” He says.

I look at him for a long time, like he does sometimes. I’m holding my breath. I really don't want him to go. And I really really don’t wanna be alone with Mom. Now I understand when he looks at me for so long. He’s scared. Just like me. 

“Don’t worry.” He says and tucks my hair behind my ear, which is another thing he does when I’m sad. “I won’t leave you behind.”

I smile. But it’s a sad smile. He sad smiles back at me. 

He shakes me gently on the shoulder. 

“Look.” I look over and my school is across the street. “Now remember. The Bullies should leave you alone. But if they don’t…”

“I remember! I tell them to go away. And if they don’t I go to Ms. Miriam.”

“Yes.” He smiles. But it isn’t a sad smile this time. It’s a happy one. Seeing Charlie happy smile makes me happy smile.

When I walk into school I pass the bad kids who make jokes out of not funny things. They think me choosing to be a girl is funny. But this time I don’t run really fast. I walk normally, because I shouldn't have to run so fast in school. 

I see out of the tiny corner of my eye that one of the bullies is coming towards me.

“Forrest.” He says like he’s laughing. I wince like if someone just pretended to slap you on the face and they pulled their hand back really fast. I really don’t like that name because it reminds me of Mom. And then I remember what Charlie told me.

“Don’t call me that!” I shout louder than when Charlie shouted at them before he threw his fist at them. The school kicked me out for a week because Charlie didn't go to my school. Today was my first day back. I was super surprised that they still decided to make jokes.

The bully looked a little bit scared when I shouted at him before. It was my first time being mad at him in front of him.

“What are you going to do-” He says, and makes it another joke. His friends that stand behind him all the time start laughing. I thought about Charlie and what he said. I thought about how Mom got him in trouble. I thought about everything everyone’s ever done to me and him. And all the sudden I did what Charlie did but with my foot. I kick him between the legs and he curls up on the floor. It does look kind of funny. I kick him again but this time my leg goes to the nose. I do it again. This time he shouts and a little blood comes out his nose. I do it one last time and a lot of blood comes out. It scares me. 

I feel my hands get all sweaty. I know I wasn’t supposed to do that. My head starts to get dizzy. I run outside and get super scared. Charlie told me how to get to his school if I was ever in trouble. I wasn’t in trouble yet but I hope he understands. I run that way, hoping they don’t catch up to me.

I run for not a long time but I went really fast because I was scared. Charlie’s school was near my school because a lot of people who go to my school go to his school for middle school. 

I know the school wasn’t open because the people are all around the sidewalk and not inside. Charlie always wears the same yellow hoodie at school, so I find him really quickly. I was really scared because I didn’t want Mom to find out. I run to Charlie and he sees me really quickly. I start crying and he brings me over to a quiet corner where there's nobody around. Charlie sits down and puts me in his lap, and he holds me really closely and I try to explain to him what happened. The crying does that thing like hiccups where it’s really hard to talk. He puts a little bit of my hair behind my ear and rocks back and forth. 

Eventually I talk enough that he understands. He hugs me really tightly.

“It’s ok. I promise.” He whispers.

“But it won’t be. Mom will be so mad. But she’ll be mad at you but you didn’t even do it and you’ll get all sad again and I don’t want you to be sad and I don’t know what to do and-”

“Shh.” He holds me tight. It makes me feel better but I still have that tight thing in my stomach and Charlie isn’t helping anymore. 

There was a really long pause. I slowly start to slow down crying. The knot in my stomach is still there but Charlie always says to take deep breaths when it’s there so I do. It helps me calm down.

Charlie moves his legs and he lets go of me. That means I need to get up, so I grab the grass under me and pull my body forward and up. Charlie gets up too. He’s still quiet and I hear the people waiting for school to start. They remind me of the ducks at the pond where they do the thing Charlie calls Squabbling. They make so many noises all at once I can’t hear what they are saying.

Charlie keeps standing still and looking far far away.  I can’t tell what he’s feeling because there's no sad smile or laugh or cry. There's not even a happy smile. I don’t know what to do so I listen. Charlie says once you realize the sounds around you you never have to use your eyes. I don’t know what it means but I like listening to noises. The grass rustles like a squirrel in a tree. The kind the dogs chase when they see it. I close my eyes and keep listening. Except now the only thing I hear is a loud annoying bell. That means the kids go in, I think. I slowly hear less and less of the Squabbling. 

Now, all I hear is Charlie’s breathing. In and out. In and out. I open my eyes and Charlie is still quiet. I watch him stare for a little bit. All of the sudden his mouth opened, and it scared me.

“Let's run away.”

“What?” I got so surprised that I had to ask again, because I thought maybe he was joking. But his face was still the no-feelings face.

He turned around, and his face turned to one of the faces I don't really see. It was the same face he made when I told him I was a girl. It was my favorite face because it’s happier than the happy smile. Like if the happy smile and laughing had a baby. He opened his mouth again.

“Lets run away”