The way you make me feel

“Ulysses, my love? Can I borrow a moment of your time?” Jackson’s sweet low voice filled his head, turning his golden orbs fell upon his mate and softened.

“Of course Jackson, I always have time for you.” Ulysses knitted his brow and set aside the document he had been working on.

Jackson smiled and climbed into his lap, pressing into him firmly and stroking the soft thick fur of his neck. A soft purr emitting from both their chests. Ulysses gave a very small smile, still not used to being able to feel emotions again. The heart in his chest, his biggest challenge to date, learning how to feel again. 

“Remember, last month, When I became a Philou?” His voice pulled him back in ears flicking forward to listen to the midnight cool voice of his Jackson.

“I do.” he nodded not seeing the point but remembering fondly the swell of emotions he felt that day, how significant that moment had been for them. “Why bring it up?”

“It had me thinking, I got to experience the world as one of your kind, to for a moment understand what it means to be a Philou. I know a Smoke Genasi cannot hold a candle to Philous but I thought maybe, I could show you what it is like to feel through my eyes. I’ve been working on something and it's finally ready. If you are up for it that is.”

Ulysses stared at him for a moment, a softness falling across his gaze as he stared down at the small Genasi in his arms. The honest open expression on his face making his heart squeeze tight, the way it always did when he looked at him with those damned blue eyes. He squeezed his leg before nodding his acceptance.

“Alright, show me then.” Ulysses concedes watching Jackson’s every move like always.

Jackson smiled brightly and shifted so he was straddling Ulysses lap, a brief thought of taking Jackson at his desk flashed through his mind but he pushed it away, not entirely thrilled with all the extra impulses having his heart back brought. Couldn’t blame himself too much though, Jackson looked so pretty straddling his lap. Jackson cleared his throat as if he knew exactly what he was thinking, but had the decency to not bring it up.

He lifted his hands slowly Dark shadowy tendrils coiled and wraith across his skin, Ulysses could smell the divine energy mixed into it, this was a new godhood skill, Jackson must have been pushing himself hard as his godhood was still so new and uncharted. He paused, staring at the shadows but even that brief kernel of fear was pushed aside, this was Jackson, he would never hurt him.

The smell of midnight engulfed him, and then as his vision faded hands brushed against the sides of his head, and he found himself standing in an empty room, darkness surrounding him with only tiny glittering stars overhead, a throne of black glass before him, Jackson in his God body resting there hand on his cheek. He rose and stepped down the dias; each footfall he shrunk smaller and smaller until he was 9’5 standing eye to eye with Ulysses. He smiled and then took a step forward and stepped into Ulysses.

He closed his eyes not by choice but by need, as now a harsh light blinded him. Blinking slowly he raised a hand to shield his eyes only to see that it was Jackson’s hand. Confusion filled his head, no this is not Jackson’s hand this is my hand…He was for that moment Jackson. 

“I have merged my soul with yours for a moment. This is how I see you, and this is how you make me feel.” Jackson’s Sonorous God voice filled his head then vanished just out of sight.

Turning he found himself sitting in a cage, he was terribly hungry, his stomach groaning and painful. All his bones ached and he felt so very very cold despite the blazing sun pouring through the bars of his cage. The metal gorget around his neck was almost too heavy to hold up, but he had to, or else he’d be punished for being wretched. He peered past the bars, and took in the view of the next battlefield, wide stretching fields of light and banners. The sigil of General Rathskeller flapping high and proud in the breeze. His heart skipped a beat, The general was here! Adrenaline pumped through his veins and despite how much it hurt to do so he stood and pressed his face against the bars. Hoping to see just a flash of the Beautiful creature called Rathskeller.

Hopefulness fluttered in his chest like a caged bird. Ulysses excited him, he made him feel thrilled, and made him want to do well. The other generals had always come to tell them they had done a good job! He’d get to meet Ulysses today if he ate enough hearts! All he had to do was shift and serve the king and he could see the general. It made him very excited.

There was a flash and he was standing next to his cage caked in gore, chewing the last of the heart he had snatched from the enemy while he waited. Any minute now he’d walk through that door and tell them what fantastic little dogs they were. They would eat a lot tonight and even take a bath! Jackson didn't care about those things; he only wanted to see the General in person up close, maybe ask to touch his pretty fur. He never came though, Ismael showed up alone and angry. He smelled like the General, but he did not have him with him. His heart broke and a cold slimy disappointment melted over his body, heavy clouds of smoke falling off of him pooling and clinging to the ground.

“I do so hate vhen you do zhis Jack…hold yourself together and get back to your cage. And finish that heart, disgusting…vhatching you eat makes me wretch.” He struck him with a whip,pain searing his vision and he nearly gagged as he stuffed the rest of the heart in his mouth, the raw tenuous meat oozing and squelching behind his teeth. He felt sick, no longer hungry, hope did not fizzle, but simply returned to a simmer, there was always next time. He turned and climbed into his cage and sat primly, the door slamming closed and he simply folded his hands in his lap and waited. That's all there was to do, wait and hope.

He closed his eyes again, this time when they opened he was bigger. Across the battlefield the massive Wyvern slashed and snarled, huge claws slashing grown soldiers into ribbons, the smell of blood and iron in the air. He clicked excitedly with his grotesque monster hands reaching for the powerful beasts. Uuuuulyyyyyssssseeeeuuuussssssssssss He thought only of him, then A whirlwind of red and gore filled his eyes terror and pain searing his mind as he watched himself murder and consume soldiers until his body felt so full and alive, that he thought himself for a moment Thunder itself, encompassing and electric. Shame filled him when he turned back chunks of flesh between his teeth. He looked as Ulysses walked away from the battlefield, a tiny blonde sun elf in his arms. They looked lost in eachother. He felt sad, and smitten, the sun elf so very beautiful and he had such a heartbreaking smile.

Then there was a searing pain in his throat like fire scorching his soul and he buckled falling to the ground. He had thought to ignore the order and go introduce himself to them, emboldened by their presence, but his commands and conditioning kicked in and he was punished. He clawed at his throat until he saw ismael smirking as he mouthed the punishment phrase, he had caught him pinning for the general….ismael hated the general he laid there burning and smoldering like his skin was being ripped from his bones until ismael grew bored of watching him twitch and scream. Still there was that hope,and now a small kernel of love, tiny like a fluttering bird wing that he could hold softly in his hands. Something beautiful that didn't make him hurt.

Another flash and he found himself shaking and panicked. Terror filling his veins full of ice and ichor, his head screamed at him the darkness of his own psyche shredding his mind to tatters, before him stood Ulysses, a fear of Ismael flashed through him, he was going to be caged and punished they had just got free, Ulysses would surely know him know what they are…He had never seen them in their normal forms of course, but that didn't stop the voice and Ulysses could feel just how powerful that voice was and the choke hold it had on Jackson, was this what it was like for him everytime? That voice so cruel and painful trapped in the confines of his skull? In that moment Ulysses fully comprehended just how much strength it took Jackson to hold himself together, even harder to stop himself from shifting to show himself to Ulysses, terror of the cage, and euphoria of seeing his love.

“You said you were never afraid of me?”

“This fear is not towards you, I was afraid yes, but never of you.”

Then He was whisked into the night Jackson so bravely confronted him in Enigma’s tavern. All the fear and confusion, and the pounding of his heart, he could feel how much he wanted to kiss him and how at war he was to keep Dahlia safe and free. The bravery it took for him to confront him fell upon him then. Then he felt Ulysses on him, he could smell himself through Jacksons senses and he was engulfed in peace, and light. Ulysses made him feel steady and calm full of twinkling stars that danced, like sunrise on fresh fallen snow, crystalline and untouched. He felt how He had fucked him, the walls that he tore down, the moment when Jackson was marked and the flood of euphoria and love that clashed and tangled like roilling waves in the sea. There was a silent symphony, the music flooding and filling every wound and crack and hidden alcove inside Jackson and his poor broken soul.

Ulysses was the balm that made all of it vanish. There was a storm he couldn't hear, the voice gone, there was them, tangled in each other. He felt how fragile and soft Jackson felt, but how safe he felt despite the knowledge that Ulysses could throw him in the cage. He would walk into it willingly if he asked him too.

Every memory Jackson had of Ulysses was on display. He relieved each and every one feeling the full blast, as slowly the symphony in his heart swelled and he saw them standing there at the altar. Ulysses in his philouian wedding attire, the snow gently falling everywhere but the guests and the three of them. Ulysses looked regal and he could feel the overwhelming joy and love unfiltered, unwavering and unconditional heaviness of it. He felt how Jackson felt when he held his hands and spoke to him in Primordial, a few philouian words sprinkled in. How his heart ripped out of his chest and soared in the heavens, and every little moment in between. He knew how much he loved Jackson, he wondered how he could love him or why…now he knew and it overwhelmed him.

He felt a caress against his closed eyes and when he opened them Jackson stood before him, that ever present soft smile on his lips, he had his fingers tangled in his fur, sitting in his lap purring softly as he waited for the magic to fully release him. He was back in his own body. 

“That is how I see you. You will never fully grasp how much of a salvation you and Melbous are to me. To live the way I have and to be graced with the chance to see you and then honored with the knowledge that I get to love you and be loved, it was worth every moment to get here. I love you so deeply I struggle to grasp it in my hands, that fluttering bird of hope now soars unreachable in your forever skies, the Sun of Melbous warming its wings and lighting my path. I will love you this way forever, it will never change and it will never fade.” There are tears in his eyes as he speaks and he brushes them away, peppering him in kisses and sad chirps fall from his lips.

“I love you too Jackson.”

“Nowhere near as much as I love you.”