🌾 I wish I wasn’t alone

Rohzenn carries buckets of water from the well to the barns. While she ate with Valkin the locals managed to tame it down, but due to the wind a few sparks remain quick to lit ablaze. They’re drowning the wood and soil of Sommerang, just in case. Thankfully a few mages stayed behind to help. 

Rohzenn witnesses brothers and sisters work together to secure the wooden facades. A few collapsed, too carved by the flames, but most can be kept intact if taken care of right away. Rohzenn thinks of her own siblings, a biter taste in her mouth. It could have been them. Instead, Jarod grew tired of monster attacks and fled with his lover, leaving his two sisters behind. As Maiev well - she always had the emotional intelligence and caring ability of a stupid rock. She pretended nothing happened, and that since he’d left he might as well be dead. And when Rohzenn annoyed her too much looking everywhere for him, she lost her temper and ended up punching her in the face. They were fucking adults. Both of them. In their fucking thirties adults. Rohzenn was just a teen then. She still has the scar crossing her nose. Their parents had given everything for them, they had been caring and lovely, and even if their natural, painless death had been Rohzenn’s first grief she still held them close. Why their loss had changed the family so much ? Was it just here all along ? Had Rohzenn been so much of a burden for her two older siblings ? She was quiet and reserved. She did everything to behave. Everything to prove she could be useful - not needed, she knew she never would be. It‘s never been enough.

Rohzenn is an adult now too. A fucking thirsty-something adult. And she watches in silence, as Maggy handles both the mess and her kid with a direct voice yet kind heart. Rohzenn observes the kid running around and babbling, not doing much but still cheering up people’s morale with his carefree youth. She follows as he gently tells her what to do when she’s done. Transport some wood, get his stick sword he stuck in a tree, grab the supplies and rope so he can bring it to his mom, hey you have a tattoo that’s so cool ! Did it hurt ? It wouldn’t ever cross Rohzenn’s mind to give up a kid or punch him in the face like this. 

Rohzenn’s cold fury will never leave her. She never deserved this. She didn’t deserve the trauma, that creepling feeling of never being enough for anyone to care, the abandonment issues, the gnawing fear of losing anything barely good that might happen to her - and so running away from it before the heartbreak happens.

Yet here she is, in a town full of strangers that knows and recognize each other. Here she is, moved by their care and solidarity, doing her best to help them recover after the monster, yet unable to be really included in it. 

Here she is, exhausted and alone, her morale stomped under her feet, somewhere among rubble and dirt. Unable to reach out. Her only guide and support a nearly two decades illusion. Oh how betrayal tastes vile in her mouth. What do you do, when the worst betrayal of them all is yours, and yours alone ? Can you even blame a dream ? You betrayed her, Cyrai. Feels like poison in her veins. Maybe the Pyre had been betrayed, too.

As Rohzenn carries around rocks and supplies, she grieves. It never hit that hard before, not even As’lynn. She‘d grown used to it - death, loss, even rejection. It hurts, always, but you must keep going. Survival or else. Except now, when your only and last pillar falls, and everything else crumbles.

Cyrai was everything. A guide, a guardian, a friend, an older sister. Her last hope when she had none. 

Cyrai is grief. Rohzenn has nothing left now. She’s just alone. 

Lonely, and alone.

How does one recover from that ?