My life with a sweet(?), tiny assistant

No! No, no, no... noooo! That can’t be happening. Not now. Not ever. Or at least not before I click on save.

I hammer my fist on the table in frustration. My computer died on me just now. Of course this happens while I am in such a good flow. How many pages were there? Five? Six? I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I want to know.

Okay, it can’t be helped. I want to go to sleep, but first I hammer down all the main points which I can remember into my phone’s notepad. 

Phew… Ten minutes later I am done. Man, I really liked the part I had written… I hope I can recreate it with these notes.

“Working late? Being on a roll?”

A text message from Kai pops up. I want to sleep, but hey. Some venting is equally good, if not even better. As a brother in crime in writing, he can understand my pain. It’s not that there are many other people I could talk about that. And with that I mean no one.You know, talking with close friends or even family about my stories would be… weird?

I complained about my broken computer, the lost pages, and the lost sleep I am definitely going to have because of that.

“You know, if your computer really is broken you should consider getting a writerloid. These things are really handy.”

A what?

“Did your autocorrect go rampage or what are you trying to tell me?”

“I am talking about writerloids. Never heard about them?”

Hell no, I didn’t. Is he making fun of me? I doubt he would do that in such a situation.

“Please enlighten me.”

“They are not very common yet, because they are pricey. But if you have money to spare, check them out.”

A link pops up. It can’t hurt to take a look, can it?

Holy crap, maybe it can. That stuff retails at four digit numbers?! 1599 $, 1799 $, 2199 $. Some models even scratch at the three grand mark.

I close the site without another look.

“Not funny messing with me right now.”

“I am not fooling you. Really.”

I do not respond. Come on, for that price I could buy multiple computers. If that’s not a joke it has to be some stupid designer thing. No thanks. The next message shows up.

“Listen, I am really not messing with you. I told you that they are not popular because they are expensive. But they are really helpful. I am actually saving up for getting one myself someday.”

I stare at my phone, not knowing what I should answer. Is he really not messing with me?

“Okay, I will check it out. But now I need to sleep.”

We say our goodbyes and sign off. Still confused, I take another look at the page. For the first time I actually look at the products and not just at their prices. Is he really not messing with me?! These things look like typewriters! Instead of mechanical keys they have touchpads, one long panel for each row.

This doesn’t look convenient. Typing on touchpads is a pain. Nothing beats the feedback of real keystrokes. And gosh, the site is horribly translated. Did they hire a highschool kid to do it? A lot of sentences don’t make any sense… How can you sell products costing as much as some used cars and make such an unprofessional website?

At first glance, no, even on second I can’t see anything special. It offers spell checking, search for synonyms and a lot of other ‘assistant features’ which I do not really understand. All in all it sounds like a typewriter with internet access and a built-in display instead of paper. What’s so great about that? Nothing that a normal computer couldn’t do.

Honestly, what is Kai thinking? I waste another 30 minutes brooding over his motives before I finally fall asleep.

On the next day I am struggling to get awake. The night was too short. But to be fair, I struggle each day with waking up. I am not a morning person.

Fortunately I work from home. A plain old boring office job, nothing special. But a plain old boring office job I can do from home, hell yeah! I still can’t understand why most of my colleagues prefer going to the office. Their explanations include some strange words like ‘socializing’. Some even say the coffee tastes better in the office. Know what? Buy a better coffee machine! The money saved from commuting easily pays for a deluxe machine. Well, whatever.

Work is work. I don’t need people around me who distract me all the time. Speaking of distraction, I can’t focus on work at all today. Partly because of my drowsiness, but also because I can’t stop thinking about the writerloid. Why can’t I get this stupid thing out of my head? It puzzles me why Kai would recommend such a thing.

I catch myself glancing at the website from time to time during working hours. Did I mention that I am happy to work from home?

Model ‘Lotus’, the most expensive one for 2899$. Probably the deluxe version? The price is beyond ridiculous for such an ugly looking pseudo computer. Who buys such stuff? Wait a second. There are two words written next to it I can not grasp: Sold out.

What? Are you kidding me? They are sold out?! It’s not just that one. Almost every model is not available.

Jasmine, 2499$ - Sold out.

Pink rose, 2399$ - Sold out.

Sunflower, 2099$ -  Low stock.

Crocus, 1899$ - Sold out.

Why is everything named after flowers? The list goes on. Only a few items are in stock. The waiting times for reproductions are several months.

I don’t get it. Just as I want to close the side again, I notice something else.

Tiger lily, 1799$ - Special offer! 599$ - Last item

Huh? That’s a huge discount. I don’t see any other special offers. Equally filled with doubt and curiosity I open the details page.

Misproduction, fully functional. Returned by customer.

Condition: Like new. Checked by technician. No damage. Full warranty.

Special offer includes a money back guarantee for 30 days.  

A fully functional misproduction? What’s that supposed to mean? Probably they are talking about some optic flaws like scratches or something like that. It really would be helpful if they would be more specific about that. It’s not unusual to sell factory rejects for a discount, but selling it for a third of the original price? That has to be some major defect…

Hmm… but they offer full warranty and a money back guarantee? There is not really a risk in that deal. Or is there?

Last item. Argh! That could really be a great opportunity. I still don’t get what’s so great about that stuff, but if they can sell out most of their overpriced products it can’t be total rubbish. And Kai thinks they are worth it too, saving up for one and all.

Suddenly I get hit by a pang of guilt. Maybe I should tell Kai about the deal? But what if it is sold out until then? He will surely sleep for a few more hours. Different time zones can be a pain sometimes.

Screw it! If he really wants it I can sell it to him.

In a flash of determination I click on ‘by now’ and hammer in my address as well as credit card number before I start doubting again. God I swear, if Kai screws with me I am going to kill him. Even if that means traveling around the globe.

“Duration and reason for your stay?”

“One day, revenge murder.”

“Are you declaring any weapons for import?”

“No, I will strangle him with my bare hands.”

“All right, please enjoy your stay.”

“Thank you very much.”

Get it together now! I shake my head wildly to stop my day dream. Now that I don’t have to think about writerloids all the time anymore and can hopefully focus on my work at hand. Crap, a lot has piled up. Looks like I need to work a bit overtime today.

A few hours and some dinner later I am done with all the mandatory tasks of today. Time for some writing! Oh, but I should text Kai about my purchase. I should also check if I can fix my computer. Maybe I should have done this before I spent six hundred dollars on something new... 

“Awesome! I didn’t expect you to buy one right away. You like the concept so much?”

“Actually, I did not really understand the concept at all. But there was that deal…”

I tell Kai what happened earlier and offer to sell it to him. That’s just fair.

“Thank you for the offer, but I am saving up for a lotus. Or a pink rose, I am not sure yet.”

Lotus? Pink rose? Weren’t those two of the most expensive models? 

“You are really going full out, aren’t you? What’s the deal with the flowers anyways.”

The only thing I noticed were minor design changes. Mostly colors and small patterns matching the flower. Nothing that justifies a big difference in prices.

“You don’t know?”

“Well, I wouldn’t ask if I did. The site is not well translated.”

He takes his time responding.

“Haha, now I see what you mean. I did not read the site in English.”

“So… will you tell me now?”

“You will see soon enough.”

I have a bad, ominous feeling. Maybe my daydream is going to get real really soon.

Putting my phone away I realize my plan of doing some writing has one major flaw: My computer is broken. Big brain time, yay me.

Writing on the phone is fine for some notes and brainstorming but not for serious typing. Okay, then plan B: Checking what’s wrong with my computer. Sadly I am not a tech person. I know how to use it, at least good enough for my cause, but anything beyond using it is a mystery to me. Luckily there is help for tech morons like me: The internet!

Fighting lack of technical knowledge with technology feels oddly satisfying. At least for a few minutes, then it just gets tiresome. Heck, I have no clue what I am doing. A few hours later I could pinpoint the problem to a broken power supply. Apparently if nothing is showing any sign of life then it’s most likely a problem with that. 

So far so good. What now? In case of doubt, bug someone else. I open the chat with Kai once more.

“Hey, do you know about computers?”

“I am not coming over to fix your pc.”

“Shame. I wanted to offer you two beers if you take the next plane.”

“Oh, you should have said this sooner. I am heading to the airport now. Need something from the duty free shop?”

“Yes. Some whiskey, cigars and probably a power supply.”

“Sure, no problem. What kind of power supply do you need?”

“A… standard one?”

“Okay, I see where this is leading to…”

I tell him about my research and he confirms the results. He is patient enough to help me figure out my computer specs and picks out a matching power supply to order.

“Thanks mate, I owe you one.”

“Still waiting for my two beers.”

We chat a bit more before I call it a day. I did not manage to do any writing at all today. Hopefully the power supply will arrive soon.