Thessia

Thessia. If she didn’t have a war to fight, she wouldn’t have left her cabin yet. But she didn’t have time for pity or mourning. The Reapers were winning and she was running out of time to stop them. She was tired- completely exhausted. Still, she was on the Citadel- she should go to see Kelly. 

The wards were filled with refugees; Shepard didn’t even meet their eyes anymore. She had failed, and she couldn’t handle the despair on their faces- or, worse, the looks of hopeful adoration from those who recognized her as a hero. 

Shepard was approached by Aegis before she could find Kelly. The big dog lumbered over to her, sensing her distress. Still, he was as loving and friendly as ever, his big tail thumping happily at the sight of her. He missed her. She petted him absently at first; he gave a soft woof to request her full attention. 

“Shepard?” Kelly had heard the dog, and came to investigate. “Gwen! I’m so happy to see you.” Even then, she tried to stay positive. Somebody had to. 

“Thanks,” Shepard responded, though she didn’t sound particularly sincere. “…Sorry, Kelly. I’m glad to see you, too. Just distracted." 

"I understand, Shepard. You’re dealing with a lot. …I heard about Thessia." 

The commander tensed at the mention of it, her grip tightening just slightly on the dog’s fur. 

”Yeah.“ 

Kelly sat- on a crate that once held supplies, since chairs for refugees were hardly a priority- and coaxed Shepard to sit beside her. She wrapped one arm around her, gently resting the other on her knee. 

"Are you okay?” she asked softly, even though she knew better. She was a psychologist, of course- but, regardless, she knew Shepard. 

“I… I’m alright.” It was a lie. They both knew it. 

“Gwen…” Shepard remained silent. “Gwen, please. You can talk to me. I can help." 

Shepard still didn’t respond; she rubbed her forehead roughly in a futile attempt to dispel a pounding headache. 

"Shep-" 

”How could you possibly help?“ Shepard finally snapped, the anger in her voice very uncharacteristic. Kelly reeled back in surprise. 

"Gwen, I-"

"No amount of monitoring or psycho-analyzing or whatever it is you do could possibly help me. What I need is to destroy the Reapers. That’s it. No more, no less." 

Gwen stood, not looking over at the other woman. Aegis whined. Kelly was hurt, at first. She wasn’t sure what to say- obviously, Shepard was dealing with a lot, she probably didn’t mean it, but- 

"Dammit, Shepard! Don’t tell me what I do isn’t valid. That understanding how people work- how you work- isn’t important! You’re hurting, Shepard, and that’s okay. That's natural. It’s expected." 

”'Expected?' No- I’m expected to win. I'm expected to hold my head high, stare down the biggest enemy the galaxy has ever faced without wavering, to continue to preach hope and peace as actual possibilities just so that the galaxy will hold itself together!” She was so upset- not true anger, but a combination of despair and frustration and the slow loss of hope eating at her. She was on the verge of tears- but, no. Not in public. Not here. Not at all. Commander-Goddamn-Shepard didn't cry. 

“Gwendolyn Shepard, listen to me! You have a hell of a lot riding on you. More than any human ever has. You need to take care of yourself, Gwen. You are important. Not because you’re Shepard, or because you’re some hero. Your health needs to matter. War be damned, Gwen, your health needs to be a priority. So stop for one minute and get help." 

"I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t have time." Shepard was done. Somewhere, she knew Kelly was right, but after her failure on Thessia, she felt worthless. The idea that she should prioritize something as trivial as herself, her health- that was an insult to the rest of the galaxy. She didn’t matter. She’d press on. 

Kelly watched as Shepard left, too angry and flustered to try to stop her. And she was angry- she couldn’t fully blame Shepard for blowing up, but she didn’t need to face that alone. She shouldn’t face it alone. It was too much for one person to handle, even Shepard. 

A little bit later, she messaged Tali: "Keep an eye on Shepard. Remind her that she’s not alone.” Because, really, what more could she do?