The Gaywakening

It wasn’t unheard of to be gay in Smyrna. Ezra had seen same sex couples around, even when his father turned him away from them. He knew friends who had same sex partners, he knew people in general who had same sex partners and could recall their names when given a moment to think.

In Bethany, it was very different. Bethany wasn’t a city for anyone but the most pristine. Ezra was sent to Bethany for education and the chance to be with his sister, and it was safer than Smyrna by far. It was very much better off to live in Bethany than Smyrna, especially when the winters of long nights rolled around. Ezra wasn’t complaining to be here.

He spent a good portion of his life dating girls. Not real relationships- Ezra hadn’t felt the pull of one of those yet. He had lost his virginity in a dormitory during dinner when all but one girl were eating. Girls had never actually caught him the way that…

He didn’t like admitting it.

Ezra had known from the start that maybe girls weren’t for him, but accepting that was a whole different story. He forced himself into relationships despite not even knowing what a relationship was. He had gone throughout his life slowly realizing that the way he looked at boys was very different and felt so much more passionate than the way he saw girls.

And that was all confirmed by Harper LaRue.

The entire night that it happened was a big blur of one horrible thing after another. But Harper LaRue was the reason that Ezra had lived and Eden had survived as long as she had. Ezra didn’t know if her living through that pain was what would have been the best, but Harper kept her as sedated as he had Ezra.

Ezra didn’t know that power until it left him. He didn’t know much about mages; they weren’t rare to see at all, they were just usually treated higher than the regular people and privately tutored. That was the first time Ezra had seen a magic-maker’s hands in person, and they had done something strong to Ezra. He had blanked out from the trauma, and he didn’t know what he would’ve done if he were fully there the entire time.

My name is Harper LaRue. Ask around and you’ll find me.

He waited months, almost a year to ‘ask around.’ Past the funeral and grieving period. He wasn’t even sure who to ask, and where would be considered ‘around,’ but he started with his classmates. Mages, more specifically.

There was a small group of glove-wearers in the school (it was a prestigious one and even they would come.) He didn’t care who he talked to, so he approached and asked. They didn’t know, but they did know who would know.

And Ezra followed that snowball until he met an old man at a café who knew something. That man, a year and a half after Harper LaRue had saved Ezra, told him the way.

When Ezra headed to where Harper LaRue was set to meet him, his stomach felt weird. His hands were sweaty, and his heart pounded in his chest. He didn’t know Harper at that point. He didn’t know anything about him other than his name. Who was this Harper LaRue, and how did he affect Ezra this way?

It wasn’t that hard to see through. Harper LaRue was gorgeous when Ezra saw him first and especially when he saw him again. He had smiled, tilted his head, and welcomed Ezra, asking in this voice, this voice, what he could do for him.

Ezra took the bait without thought. Harper LaRue could get him things, places, but that wasn’t what Ezra cared about. Ezra cared about those green eyes and slightly freckled skin. The bow of his lips. Ezra worked with Harper LaRue, worked his way up, and worked hard. But all he worked for was Harper.

He visited family. He made new friends. There were many benefits to his situation, and it also got him on the inside of many important projects, especially that of the experiments. Ezra played guinea pig with another in the group, Samuel Morris. And he tried to lie to himself that no, this wasn’t a feeling that went deeper than admiration, actually, it wasn’t a feeling at all.

A girlfriend or two made their ways through Ezra’s life. He couldn’t stay concentrated although he tried. He kept Harper’s image out of his head, avoided seeing him after a certain point. But he couldn’t do this forever.

Eunice didn’t take it that bad when they broke up. Ezra had said that he didn’t feel anything between them anymore (not mentioning that he hadn’t felt anything between them from the start), and Eunice had simply agreed, politely inviting him to keep in touch and leaving the apartment.

Ezra called for Harper LaRue.

He didn’t know what he was going to say. He didn’t know how he was going to phrase it. He didn’t want to tell Harper that maybe, he had broken up with his girlfriend for the man. Maybe he had pretended to date her to make him jealous (and took joy in the looks Harper did give the two when they danced together at his parties). Maybe that he liked Harper as much more than a friend.

Although the sun still shone, it was raining outside. Harper LaRue knocked on the door, and Ezra took a deep breath before opening it.

Harper LaRue was drenched in his casualwear. Ezra took a look at him, blinking a few times.

“Are you going to let me in, Ezra?”

“Yes.” Ezra quickly stepped back, holding the door open for Harper to come through. Harper strode on in, taking off his jacket and wringing it above the sink in the kitchenette. As if he had been there more than twice, both times with Ezra and some others, discussing important matters.

“You’re alone, I take it?” He finished with the jacket and hung it on the coatrack beside the door, where it should have gone in the first place.

“Eunice just left.”

Harper took it the way intended, and raised an eyebrow.

“You’re not very moved,” he purred the last word in the awful way that he tended to do. Ezra felt a shiver run up his spine.

“Do you want something to drink?” Ezra turned away from Harper, reaching for the cabinet above the fridge. Every second was a second away from what Ezra needed to say, needed to do.

“Did you call me here for a reason, Ezra?” Harper asked. Ezra froze, and turned to see Harper was very, very close behind him with a very, very large grin on his face. His breath was gone as soon as his eyes met Harper’s. Ezra felt as though he could look into them a million times before becoming tired of them.

They hesitated. They hesitated for a bit too long, and Ezra pulled his arm down. It hovered in the air before finding a place on Harper’s shoulder. Harper’s original grin faltered for a moment, and then Ezra was sure he had done something wrong.

This was taboo, very taboo. Harper wouldn’t do anything, would he? Would Ezra lose everything to-

“You’re worrying.” Harper chuckled. Ezra felt a hand at his waist, against the ribs protecting his beating heart. His head felt light, and his entire body was shaking.

“Stop worrying.” Harper repeated after a moment of them still standing there. All the while, Ezra’s gaze hadn’t left those green eyes.

“I-I’m not- I’m not worrying.” Ezra stuttered. Harper pulled Ezra closer. The few inches’ height difference was more obvious now as Harper was looking slightly up at Ezra.

“You’re worrying.”

“I.” Ezra couldn’t speak.

“Am I here for a reason? Or should I,” Harper began to pull away. Ezra didn’t know what to do, frantically going through a million scenarios that could play out.

“Harper.”

“Yes?” That purr again.

“You’re beautiful.” Ezra didn’t know what else to say. His other hand had come up to Harper’s face and floated in the air beside his cheek, almost touching, almost holding.

“Why, thank you.” Harper’s hand tightened on Ezra, and then Ezra swallowed before speaking again.

“You don’t think this is wrong.”

“You’re observant.”

Ezra let his hand cup Harper’s face, feeling the cheek muscles move as the smile widened. Those lips, the still wet clothes, his hair slick to his forehead, and the eyes that kept watch as Ezra took it all in.

“How long have we known each other, Ezra?” He asked.

“I don’t know.”

“How long have you wanted to do this?”

“For a very long time.” Ezra admitted.

“And why haven’t you?” Harper’s voice was barely higher than a whisper. Ezra shuddered at the tone, at the intimacy of the situation.

“I didn’t know about… you.”

“All this time, you assumed I was straight?” Harper laughed, and somehow their mouths had come close, very close, and Ezra could feel Harper’s breath on him. His heart thundered in his chest, head floaty, and it would be almost the worst thing to pass out right there. The worst thing being the possibility of them breaking apart.

However, neither happened. He felt Harper’s face, rubbed his thumb by his ear, took it all in. And Harper seemed to be waiting, for an answer or for a movement, Ezra didn’t know.

“I’m not straight.” Out loud it felt a lot worse. But it also felt as though something heavy had been lifted off of him and as though he was freer than ever.

“I think we’ve established this… verbally.” Harper tilted his head slightly.

And then Ezra took the bait, crossing the last inch or so to let their lips meet, and came apart at the seams. The kiss must have been shorter than it felt; it was as if something awful had melted deep inside him and a million wrongs had been made right. Nothing could ruin this. He didn’t even care if that would jinx it, nothing could ruin this.