withered

        I was lying under a tree. Floating lights bathed its surroundings in cold light. The mossy bark glistened under it. I stared blankly into my palms. Particles of light floated between my face and the dead, small branch of a sakura tree. Its pink petals were faded to almost white. Little by little they crumbled in my hands as my grip tightened. In the same bunch I held a feather. I did not know what bird's it was, but I felt necessary to carry it. I stroked it softly from its quill to its tip, running my fingers around the vane. I swallowed, but the agonizing feeling in my throat did not go down with it. It felt like I was trying to keep a part of myself down, preventing it from escaping. I felt my face distorting into a hopeless, sorrowful frown. I had to carefully focus, and fight to keep myself together, so I wouldn't just break down. I gnashed my teeth and pressed my ears lower.

       The loop had advanced to its second phase again. The Blights whispered my name, screamed into my head whenever I passed them. The stronger the curse grew, the more it suffocated me. It never stopped. Over and over again I would find myself in the Ascendant Plane, searching for someone I could not find. Time after time I would attempt to murder the one I hated, the one I respected, the one I owed my life to. But this time there was something more. 

       I was never religious. My mother did not feed the legends to me when I didn't know any better. I knew the Sisters weren't just bedtime stories, but I didn't really feel like they were such a big part of me or my life. My hands shook as I carefully inspected the feather. As if it was radiating, reflecting an emotion on me that I should feel. It was loss, loss of something bigger than I could ever be; unspeakable, unimaginable grief that traveled through my body in ever strengthening waves.

       Gunshots. I heard those few Scorn outside the small room stumble. They had left me be as I passed them, but this time the guest didn't seem as welcome. The creatures hollered and hissed like territorial cats as I heard them falling one by one. I lifted my eyes from my hands as a headless body fell in the doorway. A man in armor and a seemingly impractical, antlered helmet stepped over it with confident steps. I shielded my belongings with my fingers as I slowly stood up. I growled at him as he removed his helmet. Its gold and silver antlers quickly dissipated into nothingness before he tugged it under his arm.

       "Oh come on, now", the Guardian expressed his frustration as he gestured at me with his free hand. I gave him no reply in form of words. I only stared straight into his glowing eyes instead. As I turned around I could feel him rolling his eyes behind me. I went around the tree and slumped ungracefully behind it into the shadow it cast.

       "Go away, Kaiser", I said, my voice almost cracking under the weight of my grief. The Awoken didn't listen, as he circled the tree to face me again. I knew what was coming. He would try to comfort me, but he never knew how. He never could, he would never be able to. I followed him with my eyes as he crouched before me. I didn't let him even open his mouth before I struck him with my claws. They dug deep wounds into his cheek, cutting through his blue skin effortlessly. He yelped as he stumbled backwards and lost his balance. I lowered my head as I turned away from him. It felt wrong, but I was so tired of his good intentions. They would not fix anything, make me feel better or bring Him back. He was only wasting time with them.

       I listened the almost unnoticeable, mechanical hum as his Ghost patched him up. I heard him getting up to a sitting position. I turned my head slowly to face him. He looked the way he always did; disappointed, and yet trying to be understanding. The Ghost twirled around him for a moment before disappearing. He sighed, shaking his head slightly.

       "At least tell me what you are doing here." I felt my ears pressing against my neck without my consent. I lowered my eyes onto my hands as I slowly opened the cage I had held with my fingers. I could hear the change of pace in his breath as he saw the items I treasured.

       "It just felt right. I think it's called Hanami." Of course, there was more than just spring to my isolation; but why would I tell him everything? I had no way of celebrating such festival in the conditions I had to survive in, nor did I really want to. I tried to at least give it some thought, but it was quite impossible with everything else going on. The feather felt heavy on my palms. A gentle gust of wind ruffled my mane. It felt comforting, as if Death herself had brushed over my fur with her wings.

       I didn't realize that I had fallen into my thoughts before I heard Kaiser leaving. I watched as he walked out of the room and the Seclude's light wrapped its arms around him. He didn't look back or say a word as his silhouette was engulfed. I looked at my palms. The petals had completely crumbled and the feather had been bent; by me, no doubt. I lifted my eyes to the top of the small tree.

       As the Dreaming City suffered with its prince, my kin replaced a festival and grieved with their goddess.

       I had to endure both.