Fatherhood

It had been six moons already, but it still felt so silent in camp.

Lilystar wrapped his tail around himself as he shut his eyes, moonlight sprinkling inside through the many jutting cracks in the old wood of the tree trunk his bedding was housed in. He knew better than to try and express himself to others; did it even make sense for a tom to be so crippled by this?

--

They had barely been a few days old when he'd found them, weak and mewling in little croaks in a nest by HazeClan's stream border. The scent of their mother - some loner passing through, surely - was almost entirely gone, stale, like she'd just abandoned her kits out of desperation to save herself.

Regardless, Lilystar couldn't have left them to die. So, he'd taken them back to camp, and brought them to the only nursing queen.
"Coalfern," he said softly, setting the kits down. The black-furred queen gasped when she saw the state of them, climbing out of her nest carefully as to not disturb the two little bundles sleeping inside.

"What's happened to them? Whose kits are these?" she whispered fiercely, and his ears flattened; perhaps this was a mistake. Seeing how distraught she was for the mother...he had to wonder if she was looking for her kits by now.

But her scent was gone. She hadn't been there in days, he reminded himself.

"I don't know. I could barely even tell she'd been there at all," he said, suddenly uneasy. "Will...will you take them?"

Coalfern paused, and he felt nervous.

"Lilystar, I would if I could. I...I can nurse them for as long as my milk is flowing, but I can't raise these kits. Mine are already moons older." She fidgeted, clearly uncomfortable with denying her leader.

Lilystar felt his throat tighten, and he turned his head away in thought. Coalfern had never seemed to particularly enjoy being in the nursery; he knew that. With her kits weaned, she could at least leave the nursery every once in a while, but kits as tiny as these all over again...he could understand the sentiment.

"...L-Lilystar-"

"No," he said softly. "It's alright. These kits only need long enough to start eating prey. I'll be responsible for them after that." He could feel the exhaustion in his bones as he spoke, but he had never thought of his clan as a burden; now was not going to be the time to start, either.

~

The light filtering in from the nursery blinded him as Lilystar blinked his eyes open, yawning and stretching his weary limbs. Two moons had passed since he'd found the kits, and he was now alone in the nursery - Coalfern had just recently returned to the warriors' den, with her kits made apprentices.

"Lilystar!! Lilystar!" A familiar squeak made him prick his ears, sitting up - before he was practically bowled over by three little bodies, grunting and batting them away gently with mirth.

"Lilystar, there's a weird cat in camp!!" Crystalkit mewed, her green eyes wide with curiosity. Her sister, Smallkit, was shuffling her paws as if antsy - whereas their brother, Dovekit, was bouncing around without a care in the world. For all they knew, they were Lilystar's kits, with no mother to be known of. Admittedly, he had already told them the truth. He wasn't sure about how to nurture kits, so he figured being honest with them was the best course of action -- which the other cats seemed to disapprove of, for some reason. He hadn't commented on their opinions.
Staring at the little balls of fluff, he couldn't help but feel a burst of affection. He had never really set out to have kits in his life - he'd found interest in a cat that couldn't give him any even if they were to become mates, after all, and he'd accepted it - but seeing the three grow before his eyes, like little flowers budding from the earth, had made him thank StarClan that he'd been blessed with them.

I pray for you to stay healthy and happy like this, he thought with emotion swelling in his chest. I couldn't ask for a better life right now.

Still, the thought of a visitor was curious. Was it, perhaps, Fawnbreeze? They hadn't seen her before, after all.
"A strange cat," he murmured, rising to his paws and sweeping his tail gently over their heads as he pushed his way out of the nursery.

A tortoiseshell she-cat was standing in camp, barred from entering by two of his warriors.

"Jumpstrike! Nettlefoot! Let her in," he said, and he felt unease, for some reason, as she nervously approached him.

"Please," she said, with no introduction, "my kits. Have you seen my kits?"

Time seemed to freeze around him. A soft gasp came from Coalfern, who had been emerging from the warriors' den, and she stared at Lilystar as he processed her words.

"Kits," he echoed softly. "...how old are they..?" Please...

"Th-they're...o-oh, I don't know. They should be bigger now. They were newborns when I left them. I'd been taken by a twoleg, and I couldn't escape -- I just barely made it out." She sounded so frantic, heartbroken. "I-I know it's not likely, but...I just can't..." Her ears pinned back, swaying on her paws. "There's a little gray tom, and - and a silver tabby she-kit, and -"

"-and a white she-kit," he finished for her, his voice quiet. She stared at him in shock, before realization spilled into her eyes.

"You've found them," she breathed with relief, desperation. "Please. Where are they? I-I have to take them home..!"

A quiet snarl came from Coalfern, and she interjected.
"Who do you think you are, coming to demand kits that you abandoned!?" she spat. "These kits are HazeClan now. Lilystar raised those kits like his own -- they know him as a father, not you. If you think we'll just hand them over--"

"Coalfern!" Lilystar's voice was sharp, staring at the warrior who gazed back at him with saddened eyes. "She's their mother. I have no right to keep them from her."

"Lilystar, no!!" The kits rushed from the nursery to hide behind the leader, peering around at the she-cat who desperately sought them out, her eyes wide with relief. "I-I don't wanna go with her! I don't know who she is!" Dovekit cried, clinging to his adoptive father's tail.

"She's your mother, Dovekit," he said gently, picking his tail up and stepping back to nudge the kits forward. "You knew she might be looking for you."

"But -"

"You've grown up so fast," he murmured, nuzzling the protesting kits softly. "If you want to visit, you're more than welcome to. I'll always be here waiting."

"No," the tortoiseshell interjected, "we're moving from this place." She moved forward, plucking up Smallkit as she wailed in protest, batting at the air. "I'm grateful that you've cared for them. But - " Her tail lashed possessively. "You've gone and made them think they're yours. I suffered, waiting for them for so long, only to have them try and reject me. I-" She shook her head, anguish in her eyes. "I can't lose them to you again. Come on, Snowy," she mewed softly, sweetly to Crystalkit, who whimpered and tried to back away again.

"I-I'm not Snowy! I'm Crystalkit!!" she cried.

"Hush. Come along."

Lilystar felt every instinct push him to speak, to try and convince her to stay with the kits in HazeClan, to let him keep them, to do something - but he just felt numb.
Instead, he offered a quiet goodbye to each kit - the mother wouldn't let him touch them at this point - before asking Coalfern to assist her in leaving the territory.

"No, Lilystar," she pressed. "What about you? Send another warrior. I..."

"Please," he requested gently, his voice sore with pain, "just do it."

--

The entire clan seemed to stop swirling around with its usual hectic activity for a moon after that. Admittedly, he'd secluded himself from the comfort of others. Acknowledging what happened made his heart hurt worse, and would put him out of commission again. That week of idle laying, grieving, while no-one but himself pushed him to reclaim his role...it had been anguish.
Sometimes, he even thought of their warrior names.

Crystalkit would have been Crystalshine. She was so loud and proud, always the one who spoke the most out of her litter. Her pure white fur, too, practically shimmered in the sunlight. Dovekit...he would have been Dovetail, with that plumy little tail of his. He always loved to play with Lilystar's. Finally, Smallkit would have been Smallflower. Though she was tiny as a kit, she had been getting so big -- and so beautiful. All of them would have been fine warriors. Medicine cats, even. Maybe one of them would have become his deputy, and taken over for him once he'd joined StarClan. If only they hadn't...

..still, he felt what Coalfern's eyes had been telling him the day that he'd brought them to camp. Imagining the pain their mother had been through, praying her kits were alright, alive, wasn't so hard to do now that he felt it every waking moment. Knowing he'd never...

"Lilystar. Lilystar, are you awake?" a soft whisper of an apprentice stirred him from his thoughts, and he sat up, his voice its usual quiet and even tone despite the obvious exhaustion coming off of him in waves.

"What is it, Applepaw?"

"There's...um. There's a FernClan...queen here. She asked to see you," she replied, shuffling her paws the way Smallkit used to.

"Let her come to my den," he said. "I don't want to wake anyone."

Within a few moments, a ginger tabby she-cat was sitting before him, her green eyes dull with exhaustion from the journey. Her belly was heavy with kits, like she'd kit any day now  -- so why was she here? Concern lit his eyes, but before he could speak, she did.

"I can't have these kits," she rasped.

Dumbfounded, Lilystar stared at her. What was he supposed to-?

"I-" She shook her head. "I can't have them. Their father...he wasn't a clan cat." Anguish sparked in her eyes. "Will you take them? I...I heard you lost a litter."

He stiffened, and she flinched. "I-I'm sorry. I just...I can only trust another clan. I know you're a good cat."

"Why?" he said sharply. "Why don't you want them? How do I know you won't come and take them from me some day?"

She stayed quiet, lowering her head. "...please, Lilystar. I...I swear to you I won't take them. I-I..." Her mew broke, and she shook her head as if taking it back. "I don't know...I just...I can't...I-I can't promise...I.."

Lilystar's icy stare melted, and he looked away. How can I be cruel to her? he thought. What's wrong with me?

"I'll take them," he said, his voice weary. "If there comes a day when you decide they belong with you, then so be it. It would be what StarClan decides." The words felt bitter on his tongue, but he forced them out anyway.

"I...I'd let you keep at least one," she said softly. "And they could visit you any time. Y-you're their father now. A father has just as much right to his kits as their mother."

As the she-cat left, her heavy belly trapping her to a slow pace alongside Applepaw, Lilystar stared up at the sky with mixed feelings.

Ultimately, his throat tightened as he shut his eyes, ears flat. For the first time in moons, he felt energy seeping into his paws, and the same old spark he'd had in his step since he'd become leader. This time, they would be within reach, no matter what.
This time...he would know fatherhood.

Thank you, he thought. Thank you.