The Renegade's Sin

I want to have something more than a life. I want to mean something. I  want to have a purpose to this solemn life of mine. Everyone longs for  that at one point or another.................

Right?

You  can say that I'm grateful.... For this life of mine. A man came...  rescued me from near death. He took care of me, watched over me. He  raised me back to health and even allowed me to follow him. He was  always so cheerful around me. He'd smile at me, pat me on the head, and  even feed me when I was hungry. He really treated me like something  special. But... I'm also terrified of him. If I mess up, he punishes me  severely. Sometimes he yells... growls.... hits me... why did I have  this connection with him? Was there something else behind it all that  made me have these feelings? Why was the man who saved me so scary, but  also... so caring? Why was he so two-faced, so bipolar?..... Is it harsh  to think of him in this way?

Why would I follow him anyways? Was it for the benefit of food? Protection? Care?

I  never had a family when I was younger. At least, I don't remember them  fondly. All I can remember is the pain I felt throughout my body, the  red liquid flowing freely onto the ground in front of me. I was  light-headed, unable to think... Unable to live. I felt my willpower  slip from me every second I laid on that ground... That cold, hard  ground... I felt the numbness crawl over my skin, taking me away to the  darkness. I saw no light. Only an eternal abyss of darkness. I didn't  want to go there.

But it was so welcoming, even if it was cold...  I wanted to reach out to it. I wanted to embrace it, to have it release  me from my suffering in the short life I had lived. For a moment, I  just wanted nothing more than the sweet chill to run down my spine one  last time...

Then HE came. I saw that light that others would  describe. It was strange... One moment, I wanted the cold embrace of  death, but... this light was warm... more welcoming. It enticed me,  manipulated my mind. I wanted more of it.

Many years later, and  I've been craving to see that light again. It hooked me into its grasp  the minute I saw it. I grew addicted, its overall presence was  intoxicating. I asked Him if I could see it again. I begged him for it, I  wanted to embrace it again. I wanted to feel that glorifying sensation  of life flow through me again.

And He gave it to me.

The  feeling was overwhelming. I felt that same pain again as I did when I  lay dying, except... it was colder... sharper... I could see and hear  everything clearly. In a way, it was worse than when I lay dying. The  light I saw wasn't the same as last time. It was brighter, had an  artificial warmth to it. I didn't like it. The numbness in my body was  excruciating, and even if I could move, I didn't want to feel the stings  that would course through if I did. I just wanted it to be over. For  once, I wanted to embrace that darkness again. Even as I closed my eyes  though, that blinding light still nipped through my lids, and I could  still see it. It blocked out the darkness, took it away from me.

I hate that light.

I  woke with a start. The feeling of having another being in me, it was  strange. Never before have I felt anything like it, and I could feel the  aching, the longing, that it wanted to be free. It begged me, screamed  at me, to be free. But I couldn't give it what it wanted. No, even if I  may be the deciding factor for this being, I cannot release it from this  body. To do that, I would have to talk to Him again.

It  hurts... so much... It's clawing at me from the inside out. It really  wants out. If I talk to Him again, it definitely won't do. I............  I guess I'll just have to deal with this. And as much as I despise Him  for doing this to me... I still need him.

 So what is it that  kept me attached to Him? What was it that made me want to evade him at  the same time? I asked the one inside of me, hoping that he would have  some answers for me. But even he had that same connection to Him. It was  hard to explain, or even comprehend at that matter. I wanted to protect  Him, be his undeniable, loyal guardian. I wanted to show him that I was  useful, able to do something that was worthy of his appreciative gaze,  his appreciative touch. I wanted to be the right hand to Him. I wanted  to touch the hand of a God.

But at the same time, that God was  my Devil. He would manipulate me, I know. I was fully aware of it, but  did my body really act against it? No.

I guess you could say that I  was a fallen angel, a cohort to the Devil, but also an advocate for Him.  I have no side to choose from anymore, for there would be nowhere else  for me to go. I am the in-between to those two realms, but I am also the  one that will break away one day. The one inside of me tells me to  break out, to be free, to choose what I want to do instead of following  the orders of the higher-ups. It tells me that I need to betray, to  rebel. I need to be free... I need to stop myself from being manipulated  so easily...... But in order to do that, I need to...

Sin.