Dear Diary

                         I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.

   I’ve been feeling really tired lately. I’m tired of all the pain and the bloodshed and seeing my friends get hurt. Astoris has literally died time after time after time. I’m tired of hurting others, even if they’re “just monsters.”

   But at the same time, It’s not as if I can just throw in the towel now- there’s too much at stake. The whole world is at stake, and the fate of it rests on our shoulders. There needs to be good people fighting back against evil, but I didn’t realize once you started, you were stuck. Technically speaking, you can opt out, but that still leaves you with the constant anxiety of ‘Are the others doing okay? Are they going to win?’

                         I don’t want to give up, of course. Our mission is important- It’s so so very important..

   But I’m just… so tired. I just want to lie down and sleep and not have nightmares for once. I want to feel happy again and not worry about disasters all the time. I wanted to be stronger, and at least on a physical level, I guess I got it. But on an emotional level? I feel really unstable. If I had known adventuring would do this to me, would I have even joined? Would avoiding it have made me a coward? I used to keep tallies of the things I killed, but now I couldn’t even imagine how many there would be.

   Were my parents right for taking my memories away? Were they just trying to protect me from all of this? No, I really shouldn’t be thinking like that.

   Anyways… the others are starting to wake up, so that means I’ve gotta head out again.

                                                                           ~ 𝒫𝒶𝓃𝒹𝑜𝓇𝒶