Arms Drabble

It had only been over a month since everything ended. Insouciant knew that this was a good thing, of course it was! And yet… Well, there was definitely an And Yet about it. Insouciant felt bad. He knew it was common opinion that he was incapable of such feelings, but well, everyone had their defense mechanisms, didn’t they.

It was really only discussing with his dear friend Drache Geist that he really began to sift the thoughts from the feelings. 

“I know it sounds bad, but I feel disappointed, I guess” Geist confided, and Insouciant nodded automatically.

“Me too, actually. I don’t know what it is, though,” He chuckled.

Geist grinned hesitantly at his friend- Insouciant knew he was still worried about upsetting him, sometimes, especially when they spoke on more grave topics. Unfortunately, Insouciant thought, he had made it difficult for others to read into when he was feeling uncomfortable. 

“Well, maybe we’re both just getting bored with this ‘living in public’ and ‘being normal citizens’ shtick” And maybe that was what it was, after all.

Insouciant laughed. Geist’s grin grew a little and they soon dissolved into their companionable joking.

---

“What do you mean, you’re bored” Selachi narrowed his eyes up from where he was attempting to pack away some food rations, and Insouciant laughed a little internally at how easily the Hero Arms got irritated. He gave a melodramatic sigh, then smiled.

“I mean that, it just feels different, now that it’s all over.” Insouciant shrugged. Surely Selachi would understand, having been forged in combat.

Instead, the older Arms bristled. “Well, just be glad it ended the way it did.” he said shortly.

“I dunno, I wouldn’t really mind if it had ended another way,”

“So what, you’d rather see your fellow soldiers die for the cause? Or I’m sorry, you’re not a soldier.” Selachi rose up from his task to glare. Insouciant let the jab roll off him with a grin.

“Of course not, Sel,” at the nickname Selachi grumbled under his breath, “I just wish I could have helped more.” 

The Hero Arms shook his head grimly. 

“This was the least bloody things could have gone. Be happy you didn’t have to help as much.”

And here it was, the truth. Insouciant knew it was. He tried to convince himself deep down that this was better. Tried to think of what he would have done if Geist or Marguerite or even Selachi died. But here was the curse of a being controlled by their feelings- Insouciant couldn’t reason his way out of his emotions, they were absolute and often enigmatic. Right then he felt so dwarfed by the truth, so frustrated and unhappy in the face of it. 

But Selachi didn’t notice, Selachi could never really read Insouciant, and without much preamble he gathered up the sack stocked with rations for two, and headed off back to his new residence that he refused to let Insouciant visit.

---

“When do you think Marguerite is going to come back?” Geist asked as Insouciant found a spot on the couch next to him, setting a large plate of nachos (or the Chaos Arms equivalent) between them.

“Dunno, she hasn’t called in recently. But I’m sure she’ll be back before you know it once she hears the news!”

Geist thought for a few silent moments as he took a few nachos. Insouciant followed suit.

“I’ve been thinking lately. There’s been not much to do but think lately, really.” Geist started, very hesitantly. Insouciant agreed, there was really nothing cleanup-related to do, especially for grunt workers like him. “I think I was wrong when I said the feeling was boredom.”

Insouciant shifted his weight. “Yeah? Did you figure out a different answer?”

“Yeah, I think… It’s maybe, because we didn’t get to do anything to win.” 

“You mean like you felt like you wanted to help more?”

Geist grimaced a little. “No… nothing noble like you, Cia. For me it just… I guess it feels like everything we did, everything we struggled for, in the end, it really didn’t help anything, did it?”

Insouciant fell silent. Was this the reason?

“I think you’re right,” He said slowly “I think that’s what’s been eating at me too.”

“We must be awful” Geist mused quietly.

“Oh, no we’re quarking not.” Insouciant responded with a playful nudge. “That’s normal, right! Change always tends to leave you with weird, out of place feelings. We’ll get over it soon, I’m sure.”

“You think so?”

“Of course! This is good, after all. We’re in a good spot.”

“Yeah…”

---

“You’ve figured what out?” Selachi grumbled as he led Insouciant down the streets. The white warrior sometimes enlisted his help because the grunt worker was unnaturally strong and sturdy, but he certainly could have done without the chatter. That didn’t stop Insouciant, though, because if it were left to Selachi they’d never speak at all, and Insouciant preferred to make a habit of talking to his friends regularly. They’d survived quite a lot, after all.

“Why I was feeling so- so bothered. Even though things went well, remember?” Selachi didn’t respond so Insouciant continued.

“I thought I was bored, but that really isn’t it, I don’t think. I like my carpentry job, after all. I think it’s just that, it feels like all we did was for nothing, since we really didn’t remove Morrigan ourselves, don’t you think?”

“No. That’s ridiculous and quite frankly you should feel bad for even considering a different ending. Now stop bringing it up.” Selachi growled.

“But why? I’m not going to lie about what I’m thinking. Don’t you feel a little disappointed, even if you are working on controlling the aftermath.” 

“No! I don’t! I’m a soldier, I don’t feel beyond my duty!”

“Sel, we both know that’s not true, in several ways…”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, grunt.”

“Maybe I don’t know exactly what you’re thinking, but, I do know you’re not very happy.”

“Enough! Whatever you think you understand, you don’t. You haven’t done anything to be disappointed about! So drop it.”

Now, Insouciant wasn’t a stranger to scenes like this. He was used to being belittled and shut down (especially by Selachi, especially when they’d first met). He always just brushed it off because, well, being disliked was inevitable, so he didn’t let it tear him up when it happened. But Insouciant also knew Selachi, knew that when he was angry at himself, he blamed others and lashed out disguising it as giving orders. And even stronger than that, was a frustration that went much deeper than Insouciant had realized. It was for these reasons he responded in kind.

“You’re right! I haven’t done anything to be disappointed about!” Selachi had frozen up, staring at him with a startled expression. He pretended that it wasn’t impossible for him to turn his perceptiveness off. “No matter how much I work for something it never pays off! Even when I was still under mind control I messed everything up! And now I get to help with the biggest threat to our planet in history, and after years of this… 

“After years of this it’s just. Over without our help. The rebellion could have never existed and we’d still have been rescued.” Insouciant sighed, never one to be able to stay angry for longer than a few seconds. “So maybe I am selfish, but I don’t really care.”

And Selachi didn’t know what to say.