a refrain for the utilitarian

"i never meant for it to turn out like this," ze pleads, tears streaming down zir face. "it's okay if you all can't forgive me, i- i understand. i took everything from you. there is no reason why you should."

vyra and mantra merely hold each other, the sudden revelation of their history still wracking them. daernan fidgets with their ring as rise stares at the ground with hair steaming, both uncharacteristic in their silence. ryvriel weeps, the face of ver deva once again known but the cause of ver forgetting nowhere near what ve had hoped. mazoga grips her staff, desperately grounding herself.

and tazjhan watches. her memory, too, comes back in pieces, albeit small ones as she was small too when she had truly known this strange family of hers. she knows their rage, understands it in the places where her mothers' faces finally emerge from the static. where ryvriel and daernan and rise and mazoga each took it on themselves to love her as their own child, to teach her their own ways of living. and she too is bitter for having the roots of herself taken.

but she also remembers nihlazah, kind nihlazah, of wavering voice and quiet speech. the one who did not leave her side when all was forgotten, who took her hand and took on the duties of a village for her, only her. nihlazah who read stories, taught magic. nihlazah who fought for the safety of this world, taking everything, everything, everything onto zir back with not a complaint, not a word.

she has missed her mothers and auncles in their varied heritages. but she has not been lacking for a parent. she has not been lacking for love.

tazjhan speaks, eyes of green and gold turned toward her kneeling mentor. "i forgive you."

"my ch- tazjhan. this is not necessary." ze does not meet her gaze. "go to the ones that you love, and love you."

"i am surrounded by them, nihl."

"you need not pretend for my sake."

"do you really think i pretend?"

"ama, maji." mantra and vyra lift their heads at the sound of the old endearments, eyes wet. "i know you are angry. i am too. but the fact is that nihlazah took care of me. i was never alone or afraid as a child, and i learned well. i'm strong enough to protect myself both because of you and because of zir.

"and the rest of you. you had your lives taken from you and i can never ask you to forgive for that damage. but nihlazah did what ze thought was right and then did zir best to make sure you were happy where you landed. ze didn't do nothing."

"tazjhan, you don't need to make excuses for me!"

"i am defending someone i love because i want my family whole again, nihl." the sudden ferocity in her voice gentles with her next words. "you all are all i have. they are all you have too."