Pursuing the Conservatory

    ”Have you ever been to see 000?” I asked Squirt.

    ”No,” Squirt admitted. ”But I’ve been to the conservatory!”

    I snorted. ”That doesn’t help.”

    Squirt sighed. ”I wish you’d been born happy.”

    I gave him a look. ”‘Born happy’?”

    ”Then you wouldn’t be sad anymore.”

    Squirt, you’re adorable, but you’re not helping, I wanted to say, but I kept that to myself. I didn’t want to insult the little ball of blue fur. 

    After saying goodbye to Dove, Squirt had gone to let Empress know about my “condition”. Then he came back and couldn’t stop talking about Sohei, and I wondered if he’d told EVERYONE in the city. It was embarrassing and annoying at the same time. I wasn’t depressed, but I sure was troubled. Pun not intended. 

    ”You're drifting off again,” Squirt said, poking my side.

    I chuckled. ”I head Corvid’s been doing that a lot.”

    ”You guys should go get coffee together.”

    I tilted my head. ”Coffee?”

    ”Yeah, that brown stuff all the humans get in mugs. Always in the morning, they get this big machine and make coffee. I never really understood what it was until Empress told me,” Squirt added. 

    Mischief twinkled in my eyes. ”What did you think it was?”

    Squirt’s blue eyes beamed up at me. ”Liquid chocolate.”

    ”That’s hot chocolate.”

    ”No, hot chocolate is HOT chocolate. Coffee, on the other hand, is—“

    I cut him off, ”Also hot chocolate.”

    Squirt glared at me. ”It’s WARM chocolate. Big difference.”

    I sighed. ”It’s not even chocolate.”

    Squirt shook his head. ”I know that NOW.”

    I turned away and kept walking. Finally, I couldn’t stand the silence anymore. ”Where is the conservatory, anyway?”

    Squirt shrugged. ”It appears when you want it to.”

    ”And when is that?”

    ”Now.”

    On perfect cue, a shimmering translucent dome materialized in front of us. I gaped at it––and Squirt.

    ”Did you just––”

    ”Isn’t it amazing?” Squirt pranced ahead of me. ”Come on, you slowpoke!”

    Again, a twinge of envy flashed through my mind, but I ignored it. I won’t let this “condition”, or whatever it is, ruin my friendship with Squirt. Not even if I’m super depressed about it. I grudgingly followed my little blue friend as he disappeared through the side of the dome. It was like passing through a wall of mist. The next thing I knew, a whole different world materialized before me.

    A lush forest loomed before me, complete with both manifested familiars and those that accompanied the esk inhabitants. Indeed, the whole atmosphere was swarming with the nature spirits. All esks, big and small, short and tall, you name it, it was there. The sky was dark with rain clouds, and the trees overhead formed a beautiful canopy. Owls hooted, ravens cawed, and other tropical birds shrieked above the madness. Squirt’s eyes were like saucers, staring at the chaos.

    I gave Squirt a sly glance. ”You said it was civilized?”

    Squirt regained control of himself and put his nose in the air indignantly. ”You have no proof.”

    I looked back at the conservatory, then at him, then at the conservatory again. ”Hmm.”

    ”Hi! Oh, you’re new aren’t you? I’m sorry for barging in. Hello, hello!” A slender esk said as she approached us.

    The esk was gray and white, complete with shadings of purple and green by her legs and back. Her tail was almost completely white, as was her face. Patches of ever blooming iris flower and leaves covered her shoulder, base of her tail, and the back of her head. Ever blooming iris… wasn’t that a flower better found in the plains? How did she still have her nature features, when they were in a forest environment?

    With a jolt, I realized that my koi fish was hovering contently at my side. I glanced downward and, to my surprise, two plastic blocks sat there. I looked over at Squirt and found that bits of frogbit now covered him, not to mention the group of tadpoles dancing on his back. They were probably playing. I called it dancing.

    ”This IS your first time here, right?” The esk’s gaze was warm and welcoming.

    ”Y-Yes,” I stumbled over my words. ”We’re looking for 000.”

    ”000?” The spirit paused for a moment. ”I know where you might find her. Come. Walk with me.”

    I sighed and followed the gray esk as she wove through the trees. ”I’m Trouble, by the way.”

    ”I’m Squirt!” Squirt added.

    ”Nice to meet you both. I’m Thenica,” The esk replied.

    ”Thenica, who’s this?” Another esk approached us. So many new faces.

    This esk was larger, and not as slender. His body was a dark brown color, and he had a long patch of fur that served as a mane of sorts that was a darker shade of brown. Maple tree branches shaped like antlers sprouted from his head. On the branch on the right, a single maple leaf hung. 

    ”This is Trouble and Squirt,” Thenica replied before we could speak. She pointed at us as she said our names.

    ”Really?” The esk’s tone was dull, almost mocking.

    Thenica sighed. ”His name is Deer,” she said, indicating the brown esk beside her. ”He doesn’t talk much.”

    ”I talk when I want to,” Deer muttered.

    ”We’re going to see 000,” Thenica told him.

    Trouble sat patiently as the inevitable pleasantries ensued, but he could see Squirt restlessly shifting next to him.

    ”Calm down,” he whispered to the excited blue esk.

    ”YOU brighten up,” he shot back. ”I’m not in the mood to wait THIS long to fix you.”

    Fix me? Was 000 going to fix me? Squirt had said we should talk to the mother of esks for advice and guidance, but I hadn’t really thought about FIXING me. I knew I was descending into a vat of black, but I couldn’t help it. Every happy moment came at a price of envy and resulting sorrow, and it hurt to think about what I was, what I COULD have been. 

    ”Trouble, let’s go!” Squirt hissed.

    I squinted as I forced myself to come back to the present. Thenica and Deer were turning away, and Squirt was nudging me as he made to follow. Sighing, I followed the the three esks, but I gave Squirt a meaningful glare.

    ”She’s going to help me,” I said forcefully.

    Squirt tilted his head. ”Yeah, she will hopefully.”

    ”NOT fix me.”

    ”Whatever you say.”

    As we walked through the forest, I noticed the sounds of the animals and familiars fading away. Abruptly, we were brought into a grassy meadow, shaded with trees and beautiful flowers. There was no chaos, no rumbling and tumbling, and no squawking birds.

    ”What just happened?” I demanded.

    I could’ve sworn Thenica would have grinned if she could. ”That’s what happens when you enter a different section of the conservatory. It just… appears.”

    I looked around as Deer and Thenica made for a turn hidden behind various bushes and vegetation. It was then that I noticed an esk watching us warily. This esk was elegantly curved and slender. She was an albino; white with piercing pale red eyes. The heels of her forepaws adorned tufts of white fur, and delicately thin tufts of false ears sat atop her head. Bat orchids dappled her neck and the base of her tail, and silver ferns took the place of said tail. She noticed me staring at her and glared back, unwavering.

    ”Hey, Trouble?” Squirt asked.

    ”Yeah?” I slowly looked down at him.

    ”Why are you staring at a pretty female esk?”

    I glared at him. ”None of your business.”

    Squirt’s eyes gleamed. ”Are you in love?”

    ”No, I am most certainly not in love. I just haven’t seen an esk like her before.”

    ”You’re in love.”

    ”I am NOT IN LOVE.”

    ”You’re being all defensive about it.”

    ”Because your accusations are false!”

    ”Would you boys quit it?” The esk snapped. ”You chatter like crows.”

    I looked away in embarrassment as I felt the fur on my back grow hot. ”Sorry.”

    ”I think he likes you,” Squirt announced.

    The esk wrinkled her snout. ”I sure hope not. For his sake.”

    ”Are you guys coming?” Thenica poked her head around the bushes.

    ”We were coming, until Trouble found this esk over here,” Squirt told her, pointing at the dainty esk.

    ”Oh, really? You shouldn’t be bothering strangers! Come on, hurry up!”

    ”Yeah, come on, Trouble! Let’s get a move on!” Squirt bounced to Thenica’s side.

    I let out a sigh. ”I’ll meet you guys there in a couple minutes.”

    Squirt glanced up at Thenica, who shrugged. Once the two of them had disappeared, I turned to the other esk.

    ”What’s your name?” I inquired.

    The nature spirit narrowed her eyes at me. ”You can call me Meda.”

    ”Meda,” I repeated. 

    ”Have you got something to say?” Meda asked, her tone sharp.

    ”No, I’ve got to go,” I told her. I turned away and rounded the corner everyone had used to disappear.

    Around the corner, I was shocked to find a beautifully lit clearing, complete with an abundance of pretty flowers. Exotic birds perched in the treetops, peering down at the clearing below with interest. In the middle of it all, 000 lay sleepily in the grass.

    She was larger than I’d expected. She looked old and weathered, and in dire need of a good night’s rest. Her long fur was entirely black, except for her face and tail, which were pure white. She looked up at me as I arrived, her gaze averted from my friends, who stood before her. Thenica was sitting next to Deer, and Squirt was eagerly looking up at the gigantic esk. The mother of all esks. It’s really her.

    I gulped down my nerves as I entered the clearing. ”Hello,” I said.

    ”Hello, young one,” 000’s voice was soft, like a breeze that whispered over the trees. ”Who might you be?”

    ”My name is Trouble,” I replied. ”I came here for your guidance, and your assistance.”

    ”Well, lucky for you small one, I can provide both of those.” 000 turned to Thenica and Deer, who were waiting patiently a short distance away.

    ”We found them in the conservatory, looking to see you,” Deer explained. The way he butted in made me wonder if Thenica had spun some interesting tales. 

    ”They were lost,” Thenica added.

    ”We were NOT lost!” Squirt argued. He glanced quickly at 000, who was watching them in amusement.

    ”Thank you two for bringing them to me,” 000 said. ”You may go now.”

    Deer nodded and dipped his head; Thenica did the same. Then, both of them walked up the path and disappeared. In the back of my mind, I pondered the thought of Meda throwing some rash comment in their faces as they left.

    ”What troubles you?” 000 asked once they’d left.

    ”I––I saw a memory one day, of my past. I was so happy, so content… I’ve always held a certain grudge towards happiness, since I can’t seem to really be happy myself.” I glanced over at Squirt, searching for a sign of hurt or surprise. He simply stared forward, focusing on 000. I assumed it took a lot of his self-control not to interrupt.

    000 leaned in closer as I went on. ”When I saw that memory, that image of what I was, I cracked. I wanted to be happy again so bad, to be rid of this body where I was always chasing something I couldn’t have.”

    000 nodded. ”I’ve met many esks who were destroyed by the thing they wanted most. It is not something to be taken lightly.”

    I bowed my head. ”I just wish it would all go away. The pain, the envy, all of it.”

    Squirt gave me a pained look, and I instantly regretted my words. Nonetheless, they were true. That memory had been a gift, but it had also been a curse. Now, it haunted me relentlessly.

    ”It seems you may want to seek a second transformation,” 000 said after a long pause.

    ”A second transformation?” Squirt asked.

    I smiled inwardly. Couldn’t resist butting in now, could you?

    ”It’s the transformation of an esk, a second transformation. The first was their transformation from item or living thing to spirit. It is quite a process,” 000 explained.

    I shuddered. ”Process?”

    000 nodded. ”It takes a special kind of esk to do a second transformation. One with enough experience. A second transformation changes everything. It changes your biome, your home, your appearance, your personality. It could even alter your memory.”

    Alter my memory. Somehow, I felt like that would be a good thing. Maybe then happiness wouldn’t hurt so much.

    ”Would he forget his friends?” Squirt’s question came out as a squeak.

    ”I’m afraid there’s no way to be certain,” 000’s tone was apologetic. ”I assume your friendship is strong?”

    ”Inseparable,” I said. ”I don’t think I could forget Squirt,” I added, gazing down at the little blue esk fondly.

    000 laid her head on her paws and sighed. ”Trouble, I know it isn’t an easy decision. A second transformation could drastically affect your life as an esk. Please, take some time to think about it.”

    I nodded, my senses numbing as I explored the thought. A second transformation. A chance to start over, with a new face. It seemed too good to be true. Even if I did decide to go through with it, I’d have to find an esk willing to transform me. Although I loved the little furball, I didn’t think Squirt could do it. It wasn’t a lack of faith, or to protect him. It was a feeling, a sixth sense, one that I had learned to trust over time.

    ”Thank you, 000,” I said, dipping my head respectively.

    000 nodded, her eyes bleak. She must be tired. With a nod to Squirt, the two of us left the clearing.

    On our way back from our meeting with 000, we ran into Meda again. She was still in the meadow, watching the birds fly high above. Her eyes contained something wistful, like she wished she was flying up there, too. Does she feel like me?

    ”Hi, Meda,” I greeted her as we passed.

    Her only response was a coy glare.