A point of view story.

Nina had liked Chris from the start. She was seventeen years old, a bit of a kid, and soon felt attracted to the twenty-five-year-old man. He may have been smaller than average, but he seemed more adult than the others. He looked dull and sad, as if he was grey and warm and had lived for hundreds of years.

At least that's what she said, to me it had always been her who was pretty.

We'd been friends since she broke my sandcastle in grade school and apologized by helping me rebuild it. We spent two hours on it and even though the castle wasn't half as good as the last one, I loved that moment. Nina may have been tiny at the time, but she was a proud, unassuming and awfully cute person. And admirable.

According to my mother, I was a cute little monster at the time, and she said that Phoenix was a name that suited me perfectly. But even though I was a little monster, Nina could always tame me and I was an angel to her.

Even today I wouldn't refuse her anything, because she was too pretty, too bright, too Nina.

I think I fell in love with her very quickly, but it wasn't until her ninth birthday that I really realized it. She was wearing a blue tank top with little ruffles, shorts and boots, it was March 23rd and the weather was fine. She had invited Tyler, Violet, Remus, Diana, Lila and me. Her father had bought a strawberry bush and Nina blew out her nine strawberry scented candles. She didn't want to tell us what she'd wanted. But she finally let go of the fact that she wanted her lover to love her. I realized I loved her when I thought I'd like to be her lover.

A few months ago, she met Chris at a coffee shop. He was drinking tea while she waited for the school to open, and she recognized the high school crest on his sweater. She talked to him because she thought he was handsome. She found out that he was going to be her hall monitor and was quite annoyed because she liked him.

She went to see him every day at the proctor's office, making up God knows how many credible excuses each time. At first, I didn't care, she had always had temporary crushes, and then with a supervisor she wouldn't stand a chance.

But one Saturday night, they went to a concert, at last, they found each other there. It was crowded and they were always close to each other. They were screaming in each other's ears in a hoarse voice to make themselves heard. They grazed each other as soon as they moved and finally kissed. I heard that he kissed her hard, that as soon as it was less crowded, he told her that he desired her, and she wanted him so much that she followed him in a taxi. He kissed her on the way, had left marks on her skin and it seemed that what followed was good and that she had loved it.

And while she was telling me that, I was dying inside.

She had stars in her eyes when she was telling me all this. Even though I didn't like what she was telling me, I loved to see her like that, she smiled blissfully and looked happier than she had ever been.

I fell in love with her smile with a twinge of heartache. Why didn't I make her smile like that? Why did she want this guy too old for her and not me?

She said she couldn't wait to see him again, that she liked him a lot and that she was falling in love with him. She wanted to be Monday to see him at school and ask him for his number, she already imagined herself with him.

After telling me all this, we watched a movie together. We did that every Sunday, sometimes Remus or Tyler would join us, but most of the time it was just the two of us. We'd often take a horror movie to be scared and laugh at our fear. But this time I was just sad, Nina was barely concentrating, and I could easily guess that she was thinking about Chris and what they had done. I was in pain and I felt guilty for being in pain, for not being happy for her, for wanting to have her for me. It was hard to laugh, it was hard to be afraid, I just had a heavy, painful heart, I couldn't see much, it was just...blurry.

I was apprehensive about Monday, but it had come too soon for me. Nina was almost jumping up and down saying hello to Chris, and I hated him for saying hello with a little smile. I wanted to take Nina's hand, hit him and tell him that he didn't deserve her. But I didn't do anything, because her smile was too beautiful to ruin it.

Since that day she almost didn't eat with me and the others and stayed with Chris. Every time she came back to class happy and sometimes her lips were swollen by their kisses. I was angry at her for not seeing that I loved her, like every time she had a boyfriend. Unfortunately, she really seemed to be in love this time, while Chris just looked the same as before. I resented him the most, stealing my Nina when he probably didn't even love her, stealing her when he was new and I had been there for her for years.

Sometimes she got a little jealous when she saw him talking to the youngest teacher, Mr. Reed, a chemistry professor. Apparently, Chris had already "dated" a man or two. One afternoon, she caught them almost kissing and her spirits took a hit.

Since then, she smiled much less and began to doubt Chris' feelings, her doubts proved to be correct when she met them in a hallway kissing.

She had looked empty, and I hated that bastard for breaking her heart so much more. She had confessed to me what had happened on the way out of class after meeting Chris at the gate. I knew she didn't want to go home and face her parents who wanted to understand what she had. My mother had agreed to let her stay that night as soon as she saw how bad she felt.

We settled down in my room, she told me again about what had happened, and I took her in my arms to reassure her, she burst into tears. She hung on to my shirt and hugged me, calling herself an idiot, insulting Chris and insulting herself even more. I hugged her as hard as I could, and I felt guilty for hoping she would notice that I was there for her.

And she kissed me and I imploded. All my feelings for her made my heart beat so hard that it felt like it was going to burst out of my body. It was salty, she was crying so hard it hurt. I knew I should have stopped. I knew I was just taking advantage of her weakness by continuing to kiss her, that I should stop and reassure her.

But she was making me weak, I finally got some attention, so desperately I kept kissing her. I kissed her eyelids to chase away the tears that kept coming back. In one night I went further than I had ever been with her, and even though I had never been with her, and even though I didn't have her heart, maybe she had finally noticed me, at least a little. Or even if she hadn't, she could have seen that I was there for her.

That was already that.

The next day, she apologized, thinking she'd forced me, that I didn't like it. I reassured her with an inside laugh, so she would never realize the feeling she made me feel? The feelings I had for her? That she was always the only one for me?

I had reassured her again by kissing her, and while she was lasciviously putting her hands around my neck, I could understand that it reassured her. It didn't made her feel any better, but it helped her anyway.

I knew she wouldn't leave Chris, that I was helping her hold on. She suspected that Chris was still seeing Mr. Reed, but she loved him too much. Sometimes she'd complain about all those romantic movies where love was simple and never painful, and I'd nod sadly when she'd say it was a lie and it just hurt.

When she met them in the collars, she cried a little and I kissed her, maybe more.

She had stopped seeing Chris for lunch and we only ate together in an empty room, we talked about everything but Chris, she kissed me sometimes. But I liked it, I had the impression that we were together.

One time we kissed, a little more than usual, she grabbed my shoulders, my hands started to go under her sweater. The door suddenly opened. It was Chris, his eyes were wide open. He just looked shocked, reminding me of Nina when she found out about him and Dan. He came out two seconds later, and I could've sworn he was as damaged as Nina was.

Nina blamed herself. She started crying, hard. Said she was being silly and that she was doing something stupid. I held her tight and reassured her that he had started it, that he was the idiot. I tucked her in until she got better, and we went back to class.

Nina had a class on Thursday afternoons from sixteen to seventeen. Most of the time I was waiting for her, and today wasn't an exception. Unfortunately, there was a recent absence that I had to deal with and I had to go to the supervisors. I had decided to go during Nina's last class, and unfortunately it was Chris who was going to have to fix this absence.

I had opened the door without knocking and Chris didn't seem happy to see me. His eyes were red and he was staring at me. I was surprised to see that old guy could cry. He cleared my absence without a word and then asked me in a crude tone:

"Is she all right?"

Is she? Well, she has a name. Finally he looked sad and grayer than usual.

"Yes, she's better off without you."

"Oh."

He just smiled sadly, and I saw the same sad smile that I get when Nina dates other boys. He actually loved her, it was so obvious. I was about to console him when I remembered Mr. Reed. I just walked out of that room and found Nina coming out of her class. She seemed genuinely happy to see me and gave me a hug. My heart was beating with joy and guilt. But I loved her the most.

She looked better than before, but sometimes she burst into tears again. No matter how hard I tried to console her, it never got better. One night, when she said she was too stupid to be loved, I confessed the feelings I had locked up since I was a child. She had suddenly calmed down and asked me if I wanted to be with her, and I said it was obvious. I was afraid she would reject me but she told me that she agreed and that there would be no more Chris.

She had left him the next day, but refused to tell me how, she had just arrived late. I was happy to finally be with her, after all these years of only seeing her. But I was quite sad and guilty. Because I could see the looks she was giving Chris, sad and desperate, and I could see that he gave her the same looks when she didn't see him. I could see that she loved him, that no matter how hard she tried, she would never have those feelings for me.

So I decided to end her suffering and I said we'd be better off as friends. She apologized for not feeling what I needed, and I reassured her that I would find someone else someday.

Hopefully that will happen eventually.