Dear Salvus Igneos

Dear Salvus   Igneos 

                I am writing this letter to let you know that made I it. I can’t thank you enough for all you have done for me. You were there for me when no one else really was. You taught me how to take care of myself in a time I was so desperately trying to learn how to take care of others. I can’t help but be so incredibly grateful to you because, I think I’ve finally found it, what I’ve been looking for all my life. I think I’ve finally found a pack, a place to belong too. I even have an alpha that’s a wolf like me, a forest lord. My new alpha is so much more then what I though an alpha is supposed to be, she’s my friend. It isn’t what I expected there’s so much I have had to learn while here, not all of it so easy to learn. While the people that surround me often ask for and appreciate my help, they also give their help to me, even forcing it at times. I think here I’ve found a home, one that is so much more that what I had id wanted. I have a house with a forge and dogs I love, I know it may be an odd concept to keep pets. It hasn’t all been so amazing in all honesty I’ve had to face some painful truths. Fatebinding hasn’t been easy and at times ive questioned whether I should have fatebound to my human life of perhaps someone else, if I should have fatebound at all. But the people here, my new families, they give me hope. And for that I have to thank you because through all the pains and struggles its that hope that I had lost sight of ever so long ago that makes it all worth it.

I wish you were here. I think you’d like it here, there is so much to learn. I know we weren’t ever close, but you knew me back then. This brings me to the other reason I am writing you. While I have found new families, it seems my old family has found me. Everything has been relatively resolved and I suppose it has made me stronger, but it has knocked my world out of order. I’ve finally found my strength here, people who help make me stronger, finally found a fucking spine and then my old pack came and told me that’s all I had to do, to stand up for myself. I can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me for have never being able to stand up for myself in all the years I lived with them, it seems the new runt of the litter could. While I ask myself if I should have just stood up, why I didn’t I am also asking myself if I could have ever stood up while they stood on my back keeping me down. Ive been asking myself if I would have ever been happy with them if I’d ever gotten to standing up for myself? Could I be happy with them in the future? One of the thing that was said that has really messed me up is Kalgaris tells me he cares about me. It’s all I had ever wanted before I had given up hope of it ever happening, in Murias I longed for it, even here, before I had final started to let it go. Perhaps you remember our lessons for so long ago when I had so desperately wanted for you to teach me medical so I could help my pack. Back then I had hope that I could earn their love. And perhaps you remember when I left and you took me away them to Murias. Perhaps you remember how crushed and shatter I was, how I had given up hope on ever earning their love. In truth there has been a small part of me that has always wished that they cared something for me. Now they’re here saying they care and I have to wonder if they really do, if they care about me in the way that I had wanted, could they? I could never leave here where I have a loving and wonderful family from my human life, found a family among the fatebound, found a home. I can’t help but feel as if I’m torn in two, shattered and vulnerable. I am broken as I always was questioning who I am. I find myself right back to being the small scared pathetic little runt you knew in Findias, back to who I was in Murias hiding away on the edges of town unable to leave these old habits behind. I’ve found myself questioning everything in my fae life as of recent. I can’t help but question whether it was the right thing to leave my family. It had felt like the right thing at the time, but it seem nothing is as I thought. I wonder over and over again if it was it really the right choice to leave the pack, to leave tir na Nog? Was I a coward for leaving? Was I selfish? Could I ever of truly had a place in my family? 

I realize this is a rather bit long winded and perhaps a lot to take in. It is certainly the most emotion and personal information on myself I have ever shared with you. In truth I’m not really writing for answers to my questions. I think those are things I may need to answer myself in time if they even can be answered. I think I’m more writing to have someone to write to, someone who knew me before I became who I am now. Someone who knew Luna. I suppose hearing an opinion wouldn’t hurt. I write this with no pressure or expectations. Even just hearing about how you are doing would be good I hope you are doing well.

Ever the student 

Luna