Never Love Again

She hadn’t known where else to go. Cessna had no idea where Maxine and Walker had gone, or if they would chase her away as well. She had resolved to go in search of the Ruins. It was the only place she could think of that would maybe take her and not kill her. Little did she know, if she had just stopped her quest in the Painted Brigade, she would have found the two she was looking for. Cessna held a lot of bad luck. The young vixen was the walking embodiment of how wrong things could go. She was born from an unfortunate circumstance and, apparently, had never quite shaken off that dirt.

Cessna couldn’t quite shake the thought that maybe the Ruins would just turn her away. Then where would she go? Cessna didn’t really know. The thought of being more alone than she already was scared her more than anything. Nothing really terrified Cessna. Not the fear of punishment, not battle, nothing. Well, one thing, disappointing her father. She’d done that and more. She’d doubt she would ever see or speak to him again. Why did it matter anyway? He had Viper and Cessna had-- herself. Cessna had herself. History had shown that maybe she wasn’t such a good companion to keep around.

For someone so young, Cessna already had quite the sour reputation under her belt. Captures and pointless attacks, poisoning the only person her father really cared about. Then there was harassing her clanmates when she was bored. In all honesty, the Ruins had every right to turn her away and tell her to screw off. Cessna knew that. It made her shiver, the fact that she knew that. She wondered if Maxine would still be proud of her? The tiger had killed countless herself and had tortured Cessna’s own mother. There was no way that she could abandon Cessna now? Or could she?

The answer to how far down into this hole that Cessna had dug herself had been answered. She’d hit lava and there was no way to put out the fire. She just had to let it burn. Cessna would never be allowed home. She would never, never, ever be allowed to see her father again. Val had been the only one who cared for her and towards the end, even that was soured. Cessna had really ruined everything. What an accomplishment.

Cessna could go anywhere now. She could commit mass genocide and who would care? She had no one to disappoint anymore. Something in her wouldn’t let her do it, though. Slowly, but surely, the fire was being extinguished with harsh reality. How could Cessna have changed to keep herself from Exile? She didn’t think she could have. They would always hate her. She didn’t feel bad for herself, she deserved this. Cessna just wished it could have been different somehow. She wished she had put up with how annoying Viper could be and his insistence on cuddling everything. Could they have been friends if Cessna hadn’t tried to kill him?

It dawned on her that Viper had never actually yelled at her. He had gotten annoyed with her, but he had never threatened her. In fact, he kind of avoided her and left her alone. Sometimes he left breakfast for her at her door. He had been nice enough to leave her a little note and a cupcake when she had turned six months old. He bailed her out of every situation she got herself in. And Cessna had poisoned him. Even after the fact, he was still quick to defend her. “No, no, don’t hurt her. She didn’t know.” Of course, Cessna knew. She knew what she had set out to do when she had tainted the serval’s water with nightshade. She knew, and she regretted it. Cessna was far beyond apologies now.

There was something about Cessna, though. She didn’t cry. Maybe she was too angry and that made all of her tears evaporate upon contact with the air. Cessna hadn’t cried since she was a baby. Now, the salty tears fell freely down her face, leaving trails on her muddy, dusty white fur. Her paws still ached from being frozen to the ground and then walking all this way. Her eyes were full of crud and dust from being swatted to the ground.

Her fur was disheveled and a half untied ribbon hung loosely around her neck. Her tiger moth wings were flattened against her back. She looked like she had been outside, wandering for days. Really, it had only been a few hours.

A few hours since the rest of her life began. It felt surreal. She was still processing that she could never go home. The weight was nearly crushing. All Cessna had of the Exiles was the ribbon around her neck. Dragging herself through the mud and trees had nearly covered all of the previous scent.

When she arrived on the border, Cessna didn’t know what to do or say. She’d been to plenty of joinings, but never in her life did she think she would be the one on the other side of a border asking to join. She was quite pathetic, wasn’t she? Not many could say they were exiled from the Exiles, and very few could say that they had done so at an age as young as hers. Damn, she’d fucked up.

Her sore paws wouldn’t hold her any longer and she collapsed down, burying her muzzle into the leaf litter and covering her ears with her paws. Her sobs were muffled by her own fur. All of her pent up anger and malice melted into harsh, never-ending, desperate loneliness. Cessna could have been the only being left alive in Agrelos and she wouldn’t know the difference. She felt like she was stranded out on an island alone, while everyone else was living it up on the next island over.

Had she always felt like this? Not always. She’d been this way for a while, but Cessna had safeguarded her sadness with anger. That had been more trouble than it was worth.