so sickly sweet it burns

There was a time that every epiphany seemed grand, every detail seemed to be scribbled over in red highlighter pen, every little thing was underlined in thick black lines just to spite me, and angry words would weave their way through my mind. Home, and my childhood - it was…

Bubblegum skies, glowing in my eyes

Cotton candy clouds, floating in the sky

And how brilliant it was to jump on elastic ground

How brilliant it would be, if I had one piece in me that could glow

I felt the way they violated me that day

Shoved their hands through my limbs and laughed

Pulled out, goop coating their hands

It didn’t hurt but it hurt something else inside of me

From the way they pinned my exposed spine to the ground

Joked about carving their initials there, watched me with leering eyes

I didn’t feel the way my mother never came

My earliest memories were so starkly empty

That sometimes I imagine if I could remember it would be blank walls

And me, crying out for food and care, and no one answering

I remember what she taught me, when she was there

To smile, to say please and thank you

Even as her eyes looked back at me, hazy with alcohol

She’d say it would get me what I wanted

It wasn’t always true

Those boys wouldn’t stop when I said please and smiled

But the teachers, when I looked up so sweetly,

Always gave me whatever I needed

I don’t care about other people

Because other people never cared much about me

Sometimes I get really angry, or really excited, or really sad

But just like my mom taught me, I just smile through it

I think it’s supposed to make you happier but it just makes me angrier

So my smiles turned into daggers to be used against the world

As an adult

I’m left unusually empty

And sickly sweet