coping skills

"So, how about now?"  From the passenger's seat, Toni turned to him.  "Feel any better?"

"Uhh…" David stole a glance down at the brand-new pair of Converse he wore, shifting his foot slightly on the pedal.  "You know… this was really nice and all, but I don't feel… happier, exactly?  Like, I think now I'm just depressed with new shoes on." He paused, then admitted, "...And also I feel kind of bad for spending forty dollars."

Toni leaned back, resting her elbow on the ledge next to the car window.  In the side mirror, her shoulder obscured the sight of the mall parking lot as it faded away behind them.  "Huh, really?” she asked.  “You don't feel any better at all?  That always works for me."

"Nope, I don't think so."

She frowned.  "Well, would it have been better if I'd paid for them?"

David shook his head immediately.  "Oh, no, that's okay- I- nobody needs to spend any money on me." This wasn't the first time Toni had offered to buy him something.  He wasn't sure how to explain how guilty it made him feel.

Toni huffed.  "Well, you're weird.  Now what are we going to do to cheer you up?"

"I don't know, honestly," David admitted.  "I usually just wait it out."  To tell the truth, it had been a while since he'd told somebody he wasn't feeling good, and he hadn't expected his friend to be so set on making him happy again.  

He wasn't certain how he felt about that- about knowing someone wanted to pay attention to him, and about the realization that followed, the one that told him maybe he was cared about.  That maybe that was possible after all.  But did he deserve it?  Why did she think he did?  David didn’t think anybody else could manage to feel this emotional and conflicted about a shoe-shopping trip with a friend, but who knew; maybe this was normal somehow.  Maybe that was why some people loved the mall so much- they liked finally letting feelings loose.

"What other things do you do when you're sad?" he asked her.

"Well…"  Toni turned back again, gazing out the windshield as she stretched her arms behind her head.  David couldn't suppress a fond smile.  He didn't know anybody who sat in a car like she did, fidgeting around every minute or two, trying every pose and posture.  It was as if she were so excited about being unsupervised that she had to try every unorthodox method of sitting that came to her mind.  He knew she was trying to seem cool, to downplay how much she was enjoying herself, but her excitement overflowed every time she got the chance to do something she normally couldn't-  and for those who knew her, it wasn't hard to tell how happy she was.

There was something infectious about her happiness, her energy.  David didn’t feel the same way, not precisely, but already being with her had made him feel a lot better than he was before she’d met up with him.  He liked giving her things to look forward to, finding things to do that she enjoyed.  It was the least he could do, he figured- and about all he could offer her anyway.

“One thing I do,” Toni said thoughtfully, gazing upward, “is I start thinking up a story that’s sort of related to what’s going on, I guess- do you ever do that?  Like, I guess it helps you work through why you’re upset a lot better.  And I usually get so focused on it, I forget to feel bad after a little bit.”

“That honestly sounds really cool,” David told her, and added sheepishly, “though I’m guessing that’s one of those things that only works if you, you know… actually have an imagination.  Like you do.”

She snorted a laugh.  “Okay, yeah, good point… wow, I see why this is so complicated now,” she teased, poking him in the shoulder.  “What are we going to do with you?”

He smiled back wordlessly and fought against a blush, feeling suddenly shy.  He had one idea… one he’d had in the back of his mind for a while, actually… but it was definitely a dumb one.  It was also one that he had no idea how to ask anyone about, especially since they were almost certain to hate the idea of doing it- why would anyone want to do it, anyway?

Besides, how could he ever expect her to give it a shot, even if she wanted to?  He glanced over at her, at her expensive clothes, at the sunlight glinting off the bracelet he knew was real silver and the earrings he figured were pearl.  Together, everything she wore undoubtedly cost more than the car they were sitting in, which David knew he’d have to keep driving until the wheels practically fell off.  Her life was different.  She found his interesting, but likely only because she knew she wasn’t supposed to- how could he ever ask her to live it?

Still… his head was full of thoughts of her, the way she was smiling, the way it felt like a jolt had passed through him when she gave him that simple, half-second tap.  The way when, as they were sitting on his back steps and he admitted that no, he wasn’t doing great, she’d wrapped her arms around his shoulders and touched her head to his and for a moment, her doe-brown eyes and beautiful smile were nothing but an inch away.  

She never asked him if it was okay to hug him.  It just started happening one day, and he’d been confused into feeling like this- confusion; that was all it was, right?  

He knew he’d been silent for a little too long now, and that was bad.  Silence made people think something was wrong.  They thought too hard, and they started asking questions- the kind of questions David wanted to avoid.

So he fumbled around uselessly in his mind, trying to think of a reply that wasn’t, I’d probably feel amazing if I could kiss you right now.

“I mean…” He bought time with a nervous laugh, slowing to a stop at the oncoming intersection, and briefly pushed his untidy hair out of his face.  “Usually I just do what I always do, I guess.  Go home, watch some TV, or maybe put some music on and try and do my homework-  emphasis on the “try” there, hah.”  

“Would I get in the way if I came?” Toni asked him.  “I mean, if you aren’t busy- I was thinking of something earlier I wanted to try adding to Caemalis.  New stuff about the time-travel part of the lore.  I’m not sure if it makes any sense…”

She fiddled with her bracelet, giving him rather obvious sideways glances, and David knew that she was waiting for him to say, “Oh, really?  Let’s hear about it!” so she could talk about her story.  Others found this annoying, he’d learned- especially her older sister, who he’d overheard one day snapping “Toni, shut up, literally no one wants to hear that”- but he didn’t understand why.  Talking made her so happy, and when she was happy, everything about life was just better; why didn’t anyone else seem to think that?

“You can tell me, if you want,” he suggested, and his heart skipped at the sight of how brightly she smiled.  “Let’s drive around for a while.”  David knew by the time they were done, he would feel better, at least in some way.  Maybe he couldn’t tell her everything- or anything, really- but he could do this, at least.  He could make things better for her, if just for a little while, and maybe head home feeling like at least the day had meant something.

“Well,” she started, and he smiled secretly at the false tone of mild disinterest in her voice.  She wasn’t fooling anyone.  “To start with, I might have to explain some other stuff, too…”