Don’t read my journal, Asshole (Syn’s)

I knew my eyes fixed on his form the entire time he was in my line of sight. Despite knowing, I couldn’t stop it. I really couldn’t tell you at any given time, why it was that I was so dead set on studying him from across the room. Much of the time, he hardly acknowledged I was even in the same room, and likewise I would stay silent as well.

He felt so foreign to me and yet this overwhelming sense of nostalgia would hit me whenever I eyed him for too long. My emotions yo-yo around too much when it comes to him. He’s so different from the Toni I knew back then. More distant, both figuratively and literally, we usually kept a good distance between us. It was definitely not the clinginess we shared as kids. There were entire days we spent holding hands or leaning against each other...as if we would both stop breathing if there were even a moment of separation between us.

I’d guess his antsy nature was getting the best of him. Was he still uncomfortable living here suddenly? Was he...*more* comfortable? Feeling cramped in that damn office all day? Who knows...there was once a time I thought I’d know...

He walked around the living room more often now. In the kitchen behind the couch more frequently. Walked across my line of sight in front of the sofa, where as he would usually walk around the back. I was often on the couch, closed in on myself in someway, doing something with my hands. Writing in this journal whenever I remembered (for my therapist’s sake), idly drawing, sometimes playing on my handheld if a new visual novel game dropped or just petting Bean, watching TV.

Typically his eyes were focused on a stack of documents in his hand, whether he was on the phone or not. I started watching him, in hopes of getting a cruel laugh at him if he stumbled into something while his attention was taken by those damn papers. It’d be even funnier if he was balancing his phone to his ear while drinking coffee and reading, and god helped me if he bashed his foot against the coffee table and spilled the coffee on his stupid white sweater. I’ll die laughing. But he seemed to always navigate the space with a suaveness that makes me want to strangle him. Damned if I actually admit it but...it was a little impressive. Some days I would completely rearrange the furniture in hopes of achieving my cruel desires but...somewhere along the way the maliciousness went away. It became like a game, one that only I was in on, and he never once questioned it or acknowledged me really. That’s when I became hyperaware of his...body I guess. It’s language, the rhythms of his strides, how he smoothly almost seemed to dance around the space. He was taunting me right? 下衆野郎*

We spent so long avoiding eye contact it seemed, that it was almost startling the first time our eyes met. I had forgotten how strikingly red they were. It was brief, I was already following him silently with my eyes, as usual, but he looked at me so quickly I almost questioned my sanity. My shoulders spiked up, and my face started burning. I know it happened. I started staying in my room more often then. Rotating from hours on the plush windowsill of the big moon shaped windows, curling into to a ball in the hanging birdcage chair near the piano. But Toni started getting off work a bit earlier suddenly, and would just...come to the room. We existed in it silently, I tried to ignore him but damn if it wasn’t hard when he started pulling off his sweater and getting undressed for a shower.

There’s five bathrooms in this house and he chooses to do this bullshit here...it was a short while of this before I finally realized that I don’t know when Toni started sleeping in *my* room and not the guest room he claimed since moving in months ago. The bed was big enough that I wouldn’t have noticed if he came in while I slept, but it couldn’t have been too long since I only just started beating down my insomnia with melatonin. I noticed only just now and I couldn’t bring myself to get in bed until I knew for sure he was asleep....what was I gonna do? Confront him? You know how insane I sound asking my...betrothed...why the fuck he was sleeping in my bed? And if there was a way to eventually exist without all this choking tension, doing that was not the way.

When I went to the bed I sat up, hugging my knees for hours before I guess I just laid down and knocked out...but I woke up much earlier than usual. It’s not that the sleep wasn’t good, in fact, it was the calmest sleep I’ve had In a very long time...it was the...sexual dream I had that scared me awake essentially. I hadn’t had a sex dream about Toni in...forever...maybe...thoughts more recently? Kind of. Nothing super sexual just kind of uncomfortably aware of his attractiveness. But a whole sexual dream!? I made to get up and quickly came to realize that Toni had started fucking, SPOONING me at some point. I was rightfully frozen for a painfully long minute before I slipped away sneakily and basically ran away from the room. I don’t even know why so don’t ask.

Since then, Toni and I would lock eyes more often. I would watch him like an intruder as we silently went about our business, and because of his seemingly new awareness of my existence, I felt the need to not be in one place for too long. I rotated between the living room, the bedroom midday, practicing in the music room, the fucking garden and I swear at some point in the week I would meet Toni in these random places. Considering he typically exists solely in his office, I feel like I’m rightfully freaked out...I start having daydreams and actual dreams about how passionately red his eyes are and... now I feel like I’m playing cat and mouse in my own house... I’m really confused.

*Gesuyarou= Asshole