Remorse

((Note that this is my first attempt at really writing a story, in pretty much forever. Trigger warnings for abuse and language))

    Your name is Teiran Dorake. You are eight sweeps old. You have just pushed away your only true friend and lifelong moirail. And it's all your fault. But let's start at the beginning.

***

    "Heheheh, filthy little 'highblood.' This is the way it really SHOULD be."

    "I've never seen a more pathetic wiggler in my life, hahahah."

    "Look, he's crying! Truly fucking disgusting."

    Your name is Teiran Dorake, you are but a mere three sweeps old, and you are currently lying in a pile of your own blood. Your wheelkind has been flung to the side, just out of arms reach. But you know that even if you could get to it, it would be pointless anyway. The group of older trolls standing around you laugh mercilessly, making fun of your shaking form on the ground. A few kick you in the ribs a couple times for good measure before the pack stalks away, still howling with laughter, leaving you to soak in the growing puddle beneath you.

    "... Fuck..." Your voice is wavering and weak. "... Fuck... fuck, FUCK!" You hate this. You hate the tears that run down your face. You hate how weak your small body is. You hate how you could barely even scratch them when they did all this to you. You hate LOWBLOODS.

    You punch the ground, hard, splitting open your already bruised knuckles again.

***

    After a few hours pass, you find yourself limping back to your hive. You know you probably shouldn't have wandered off so far into the communal hive stems colony, especially into the darker and shadier parts. Raptordad has warned you many times about this, and it's not like this is the first time it's happened. But you just can't stay away. You want to know your kingdom. After all, you ARE going to grow up to control most of the landwelling population anyway. From your many trips of sneaking out behind your lusus's back, you're pretty sure you've got the land around here memorized already. And you know you're going to be making those lowbloods PAY someday anyway.

    Getting close to your castle hive, you hear something strange. Is that... crying? You know it's not you. Worried that the crying might have been caused by the group of lowbloods coming back for more, you duck behind the nearest tree in the forest you're currently walking in. Shuffling, you peek around to look in the direction of the noise. You see a figure hunched over, hands covering its face. It's another troll, a boy that looks to be the same age as you. Glancing around once more to make sure the two of you are indeed alone, you step into view.

    "Hey... what's wrong?" The other troll's body goes visible rigid, then suddenly jumps up into a strifing stance towards you, glaring behind tear stained eyes. You noticed the tears were slightly tinted in a purple, a hue brighter then your own. He also has a strange third horn, sticking straight out of his forehead, and a headband wrapped tightly around his head. On his shirt is a large X striked out, also in a bright violet like his tears.

    "The FUCK are you?!" The harshness of the other young trolls voice makes you take a step back.

    "Hey, I just want to help you! No need to get so fucking defensive! Just tell me what's wrong..." You say. You don't know why you feel the need to help this other boy out, but you know you should. You feel like this is really important. "My name is Teiran. Want to tell me yours?"

    The other doesn't make any motion to move. "Why the hell would a wiggler like you want to help me...? I don't trust you..." He dropped his gaze to look you over, seemingly just noticing what bad shape you yourself are in. You sigh in exasperation. "Well maybe I just think 'wigglers' like us need to help each other out sometimes! Fuck, does it even look like I could do anything to you right now?" He drops his defensive stance a little at that. "M' name's Keilik..."

    You allow yourself a small smile. You don't know why, but you feel like it really is a good thing that you met this other troll, Keilik, here. "Okay Keilik, what's with the stupid headband?"

     Keilik pouts at that. "It's not stupid! It's way fucking cooler than you!" But even as he says so, he brings a hand up to rub at the spot where his ears should be, wincing ever so slightly in discomfort. "Um... but I don't really know... where I am..."

    "So you're lost? That's good because I really know my way around here! I'm sure I can find a way back to your hive!" You start excitedly running off in the direction of your own hive, ready to show off your amazing navigational skills you've been working on, completely forgetting that you are still severely injured. Tripping over your own not-completely-functioning legs, you fall face first into the forest soil. To your surprise, Keilik runs over to you. "Whoa, hey are you okay?" He goes to touch your arm but you instinctively recoil and flinch away from the pain that shoots up it. "I'm fine. Don't touch me!" You attempt to get up, but only to stumble over again. This time though Keilik catches you around the shoulders, ignoring your shouts of protest. "Who's the one who needs help now?" he asks you with a smirk. You only respond in grumbles.

    "We should go to my hive, my lusus can help us get you back. It's not far from here..." And the two of you stumble back the short distance to the hive.

***

    After getting in the door and calming down a frantic Raptordad with reassurances that you promise to never ever ever (fingers crossed) go wandering out again, both you young trolls settle down on some cleared floorspace in your messy respiteblock.

    Once you get yourself bandaged and taken care of, you feel a whole lot better. Soon the two of you are fighting and roughhousing and generally mocking each other playfully.

    After a spurt of happy giggling you decide to finally bring up the topic of getting back to Keilik's hive. "Hehehe, so where DO you live anyway? How come you got so lost?"

    Keilik stops his own giggling and looks down. "Well, I was just exploring and couldn't find my way back to the sea..."

    "The sea! You live by the ocean? That IS far from here! Hey, are you a seadweller?" The question seems to have taken aback the other wiggler. His hand immediately flies up to touch his headband subconsciously. "S-seadweller? What makes you say that?"

    You wave your hand and make a face. "It's like the most obvious thing in the world Kei! And it obviously hurts you to be covering up your ears all the time!" Keilik growls at this. "Is not! But... Teiran, you won't tell anyone about this, will you?" He looks at you so seriously that the snicker that was rising in your throat is immediately pushed back down. "Okay, okay! I promise I won't."

     His expression softens and he reaches his hands back to untie the headband, letting it fall to his shoulders and revealing his ear fins unique to seadwellers. Pushing his hair back also reveals a set of gills along the side of his neck. You stare in amazement at the way they flutter in the air, having never actually seen a seadweller up close before. "I don't want to be royalty. I don't want to have to do all the things that highbloods like me have the responsibility to do! It's all so fucking dumb!"

    You stare incredulously at him. NOT want to be royalty? "But... but don't you want the power to rule over the trolls and land around you? Why would you give that up?!"

    "I couldn't care less about all that. I just wanna live my life doing what I wanna do." He said as he tied the handband back up again. "That's why I hate the lowbloods, they have to worry about fuck all!"

    And you couldn't help but agree with him on that.

***

    Eventually you realized it was getting late and if you didn't try to get Keilik home soon the sun would be coming up. After a good half hour of whining and sucking up to your raptor guardian, he agreed to take you both in the direction of the ocean in hopes that Keilik would remember some of the surroundings and find his way back to the hive.

    Running full force with two small trolls on his back, Raptordad makes good time. The whole way there had Keilik clutching on for dear life and complaining about how his crow lusus was so much faster and smoother to fly with. You just roll your eyes.

    Slowing down to a stop when you reach the sea shore, Keilik hops off to take a look around. He scans the area and shakes his head, not recognizing the place. But before he can climb back onto your lusus to look around some more, there comes a shrill caw from the distant sky. Keilik's face beams in happiness and relief and shouts to call his Crowdad's attention. The flying lusus swoops down and lands on the soft shore in front of your group. Your mouth is open in shock at the shear size of the beast. At least three times the size of Raptordad, when Keilik runs forward to hug his guardian, he almost gets sucked into the massive amount of fluffy feathers of the lusus' underbelly.

    Finally reunited, Keilik turns back to you. "OH, almost forgot! Teiran, when you go back, you should add me on this chat client thing, it's called Trollian! My handle is unluckyTrickster. Don't forget!" You promise you won't and wave goodbye as Crowdad takes off, picking up Keilik in his talons and flying away.

***

    Sitting back in your respiteblock, you type furiously away at your husktop, excited to be talking to your friend from so far away.

-- sailingDreamer [SD] began trolling unluckyTrickster [UT] at 20:53 --
SD: ~ Hey Kei! ~
UT: XIII -- thaW is it neiraT? ~
SD: ~ I think we shoulq pecome moirails! ~
UT: XIII -- soirailM? yeallR?
SD: ~ Yeah! You know, so I watch your pack anq you watch mine? ~
UT: XIII -- ...
UT: XIII -- Heh, suesg I can't say no to an rffeo eikl that, can I?

    You beam at the screen.

***

    Sweeps later, back when you are eight again, you are still Teiran Dorake. And your lusus has been killed. Murdered really. And it's still your fault. You have terrible sunburns all over your body from dragging the corpse of your beloved custodian back to your hive during the heat of the day, not even caring as the harsh sunlight quickly turned your skin to black.

***

    Later still, you have entered the game. The game is Sgrub Zeta. You are pretty sure if you hadn't entered the game when you did, you would have been blown to a crisp. You have been exploring your land full of bee nectar and fog clouding the air, when you decide to stop and check your PDA for any messages from Trollian. To your surprise one of the members of your little party is online for once. Despite lingering black feelings you think you might have for this particular troll, you start up a conversation anyway.

-- sailingDreamer [SD] began trolling zealousTyrant [ZT] at 01:05 --
SD: ~ Hey uh... ~
ZT: WHat
SD: ~ Generally I woulqn't talk to you, put I neeq to ask you something. ~
SD: ~ You woulqn't habben to have seen or talkeq to Keilik lately, woulq you? ~
ZT: NOpe
ZT: DOnt USually TAlk TO YOu GUys ALl THat MUch
SD: ~ Then again, you woulqn't know what he lookeq like... Fuck. ~
SD: ~ So are you sure you haven't seen any trolls, uh, swimming arounq with a crosseq out X on their shirt? ~
ZT: NO, DEad SErious
SD: ~ ... qamn. ~
ZT: SOrry, CAnt HElp YOu
SD: ~ .... put hey. ~
ZT: YEa?
SD: ~ I qon't actually give a shit put, what ARE your reasons for hiqing it. ~
SD: ~ Your plooq, I mean. ~
ZT: BEcause OF THe THings I DId. HIgh BLoods GEt NO REspect ARound LOw BLoods JUst THe SAme AS LOw BLoods GEt NO REspect ARound HIgh BLoods
ZT: LOsing PEople THat YOu CAre ABout, DEeply. EFfects YOu. I DIdnt WAnt PEople TO KNow THat I AM A MOnster
ZT: SO I COvered IT UP
SD: ~ I know that cycle. All too well. ~
ZT: TRolls BEgan TO BElieve I WAs A LOw BLood, ANd I GOt A GOod TAste OF THe WAy THey ARe DIscriminated AGainst...
SD: ~ You qo reminq me of him in that way, a pit... ~
ZT: WHy, WHo
SD: ~ Ah, sorry, just talking to my fucking self. ~

    You shake off the creeping feeling of guilt hiding in the corners of your mind.

SD: ~ put it's none of my fucking pusiness to say. ~
ZT: SUre
ZT: WHatever.
SD: ~ If that's how you want to go apout it, then pe my guest. ~
SD: ~ I just think... If you truly wanteq to stob the cycle of hate, maype hiqing isn't the pest way. ~
SD: ~ put that's just my obinion. ~
ZT: OH ANd SHowing OFf WHat KInd OF A MOnster I AM IS? LOsing COntrol IS THe ONly OTher OPtion. I DOnt KNow HOw TO STop IT. ANd IN THe PAst NOthing HAs WOrked
ZT: SO HOw ABout YOu JUst STay OUt OF MY WAy
ZT: ANd ILl STeer CLear OF YOurs
SD: ~ As long as your way qoesn't incluqe harming my groub... our frienqs. ~
ZT: YOur FRiends
ZT: NOt MIne
ZT: THey DEtest ME, THat MUch IS CLear
SD: ~ Hahahahaaa. Maype, put I think they might just qetest me more. ~
ZT: WHy THe HEll WOuld THey HAte YOu
SD: ~ ... pecause I'm the worlq's piggest asshole who turneq away my moirail when he neeqeq me the most. Anq qon't think I qon't have my fair share of plooq on my hanqs either. ~
ZT: WHy DId YOu DO IT
ZT: TUrn AWay YOur MOirail
SD: ~ ... He killeq my lusus. put really it was my fault. I shoulqn't have come. I shoulq have known what he'q pe like. Anq now... I'm sure I've causeq him more bain then he coulq ever cause me. ~

    Your name is Teiran Dorake, and that's it. You cave, to everything, to your lusus who has been given new life and is floating beside you, to your now ex-moirail, to the remorse.

((Sorry if things are off or confusing. Like I said, I don't usually write. To be read along with Tyler's 'Death of Crowdad"))

Written May 10, 2013.