The Final Diary
A final diary entry from Norita before moving on to one of the big battles. He does not expect to live and keep it to himself and to his diary on his commlink.
It has been many years since I last needed this comfort. For a diary. And yet here I am, writing one anew. This would have been a voice recording save for my emotions. No one… should have to burden themselves with me.
I feel as though I have made a mistake. That I have hurt someone dear. I said too much when I should have been silent, I should have watched on silently and lived quietly as I always have. But when it comes to him I… I always say too much. He is too sharp and I cannot hide things from him. And I’m scared.
I’m scared that I may have hurt him beyond repair to what we have. I caused a trust to be broken that was decades old and I left him questioning it. And I can’t bring myself to face him again before we fight one last time. I love him dearly and yet I am afraid… so very afraid. I cannot tell anyone and yet it is there all the same. For them I must stand tall and be strong. I cannot waver.
He is sweet, he asked me to make sure I had time when he came back. It was a lovely, small request that made me happy, that made me feel warm. He always does that, and yet I do not expect to live through this battle. I will protect them with all my being, and put an end to this. There is… no such thing as a happy ending for me. There is always something, someone out there to break it. I am not the person to whom they belong. I am a silent wanderer, and I am afraid, which is why I have to know, have to be certain of my actions.
Should someone read this, tell Nanashi I’m sorry. But I’ve heard… I’ve heard people say that when you love something dearly, someone dearly, so much it hurts sometimes it is best to let them go. I will not make him stay at my side knowing what we know. I want him to find someone that makes him happy, that he can find happiness in. I’m afraid of these words myself, because he is so dear to me. But I cannot bring myself to be selfish. Even though he loves me… he should find someone who can be true to him, whom he can be happy with until the end. This is why I’m sorry, for my own emotions clouding my judgement, for wanting to cling to him like a child who clings to what is dearest to them.
I lied to him though… I said I’d known for years. I sent him off on that mission because I said it was best for the situation. What a liar I am. I’d only learned of it before he left, and it hurt so badly, knowing what I was that I could not bring myself to say it. Could not look him in the eye and tell him then. I have been… fearing his reaction. Because I’m someone who scares easily, because I fear so thoroughly. It’s unpleasant. I sent him on that mission because even if it was a trap it would be easier to handle that than what will happen here. I want him safe. I have to. Because there’s nothing else he will let me do I could at least give that final order to him. After all, when you learned what I had just that afternoon… anyone would want to keep their loved ones as far out of harm’s way as they could.
I don’t ever expect him to forgive me for it. How can he when I am the embodiment of lies and a broken trust in the woman he has devoted himself to all these years. When I am something of the type that may well become just like Vidofnir or even Nakamura over the years. But I am not clairvoyant, even I cannot see my own future.
I only wish I had the strength to go see him once more. To astrally project, to manifest and be by his side, even for a moment longer. To ask him for forgiveness.
But I fear that I may never have the chance because I am a coward. And I am scared.
I can only hope, in time, that they will be able to find happiness for themselves.