loop 2: a tattered notebook with cats on the cover

August 28th, 20XX

i woke up and i felt..weird. like something was missing? or like i’d missed something? i dunno. luckily nea was there with me, but...still. hopefully it’s not related to anything dad’s doing?

August 29th, 20XX

everything feels...fresher. i dunno how to explain it. it’s like some weird weight was lifted off my shoulders. anyway, i’m glad it’s getting colder, although i’m gonna miss the sunlight.

August 30th, 20XX

the last cicadas sound isolated from

a boisterous community

they sing in vain and the leaves

drop down from the trees

soft raindrops. 

and i dig my sweater from

the dusty bottom of my closet

feed the family of mice

summer is ending but it’ll come again.

August 31st, 20XX

i can’t wait for september to begin, heh...the first months of fall always feel so calm to me. i love how everything feels. if i could live in the fall months forever i would...although it’s really nice writing poetry about what goes on in the forest and in my house during the other months. honestly, i think it’ll be embarrassing to look back on all the poetry i’ve written in here so...hehe, i’ll probably skip those entries.

September 1st, 20XX

it’s september!! i can’t wait for it to rain more often so i can smell the petrichor again^^

September 2nd, 20XX

i wish my house wasn’t so dark all the time. the sunlight only really comes in when the sun’s setting….i wonder if that was done on purpose? if it was...it’s really weird architecture. 

September 3rd, 20XX

i feel like i’d be a really good background character for a movie or a book. like, an exposition character. i’ve been reading a lot of my dad’s weird books so i feel like i’d be able to give out a lot of good information if someone asked!! although it’s still hard for me to talk out loud.

September 4th, 20XX

history test today!! hope i didn’t fail. nea’s been a lot more sleepy lately.

September 5th, 20XX

the cute girl….she’s REALLY cute. even after almost two years i still cant stop thinking about her.

September 6th, 20XX

i hate living in this house. i wish i could just run away and disappear. 

September 7th, 20XX

after nearly two years of writing in here you’re finally starting to come apart...i glued a few pages onto you so you can last me a little longer. i feel like my whole life is in here so..i don’t want to let you go. 

September 8th, 20XX

i didn’t cry at all today!! hopefully that becomes something that happens more frequently…

September 9th, 20XX

the river streams steadily down 

its path, it guides

a silvery school of fish, all in agreement

of the new home they’ll 

choose to swim in

i dig my boots into

the gravel below, water seeping into

my woolen socks, silvery fish

scurrying, rushing, the stream

urges them along; crystal clear

i live in a cycle and i’ll

help it along.

September 11th, 20XX

i heard there’s a party going on today!! hopefully nothing bad happens^^

September 12th, 20XX

….i think i jinxed it. i wouldn’t have gone anyway because parties sound terrifying but...i dunno. i’m glad i didn’t go. i would’ve been glad either way though.

September 13th, 20XX

………...^/////////////^

...she looked at me for a second…..haaa...she’s SO pretty.

September 14th, 20XX 

skipped school today to do some research in the library!! religions are really interesting. i wonder if i could write a poem about them? don’t think dad would like it very much.

September 15th, 20XX

most days i’m terrified of my dad but today we went out to the city to eat at outback steakhouse!! i don’t know why exactly and we didn’t talk much but he let me bring nea and drove me to a thrift store afterward!! i bought a really cute necklace.

September 16th, 20XX

school’s starting to become a normal thing again so i feel like my entries are gonna become boring/unreadable again...i’ll try and write more poetry to make up for it!

September 22nd, 20XX

there was a fire drill today….it was terrifying. i wish they let me take nea to school but they say she’d be too distracting.

September 24th, 20XX

he sits across the kitchen table

weary, tall, and if i

concentrate hard enough i can see

mistletoe growing on his arms and

no amount of coffee in the world can 

rescue it, i pour him a mug, scatter

like the prairie mice in the cupboards

i hide from the traps. 

October 1st, 20XX

october!! i’m happy because it’s october. that’s it, mostly...i really wish my birthday was in october but i guess having a birthday near the end of winter isn’t too bad. 

October 8th, 20XX

there was a car crash near magnolia street….i saw it in the news……...i don’t want to say anything that’ll make me sound bad, but...i really wish it had been me instead. don’t remember last time dad drove a car, though, so…

December 14th, 20XX

her arms are delightfully

yellow, under a short sunlight

she stands, swaying with the small blessing 

the title “witch” provides.

embracing her is romance’s favourite

freeloader, a red tinge of kisses, pushing her 

to the edge. hazel witch’s trial is inconclusive–

i bury her branches.

December 18th, 20XX

there’s been a lot of missing people on the news lately. all sort of my age too. i don't understand what it's really about but...a small part of me wishes they..could target me as well? i wish i knew the pattern so i wouldn’t be so anxious about it.

December 19th, 20XX

oh god. oh god. she’s missing. why did they take her but not me? i don't get it. i hope she's okay, wherever she is. i feel really bad now for what i wrote yesterday.

December 20th, 20XX

i sort of have a plan, but...i’m not sure if it’ll go well? i wrote it all down and i think i’m gonna ask to meet up with someone for more information,,,and now that break is starting, i really hope this works...

December 21st, 20XX

i'm trying again!! it's a good distraction from….everything else going on, at least. a few of the missing peoples relatives turned out dead. i really hope she's okay. it'll be the first thing i ask!! if i don't freak out. 

December 22nd, 20XX

they're alright!! i'd visit the hospital, but….i don't think i know anyone from there well enough for it to not look...at least a little bit weird. i'm still gonna try and...do the thing, though.

December 23rd, 20XX

the cute girl replied to one of my tweets and i’m freaking out so much i can’t believe she actually knows i exist oh god i’m freaking out so much but it’s like,,,,,GOOD freaking out ^//////^

December 24th, 20XX

christmas eve is always a really weird time…

December 25th, 20XX

i don’t think miracles, especially christmas ones are real, but….i spent christmas with the cute girl at the diner! we snuck in and everything. i can't believe she actually knows i exist, let alone...actually spend time with me? this feels surreal, heh…

December 31st, 20XX

my new year's resolution is to stop being afraid of the kids in my school!

January 5th, 20XY

the moonflower blooms

at the edge of a river bank–

a silent sweet call 

to the ursa major–above

right in the middle we

admire the celestial

above and beyond

and i take refuge in the moonlight

a calm stillness
hoping–we can meet again

January 6th, 20XY

i sneaked out of school today but...i fell off a wall and my back really hurts….just moving in general hurts a lot. not as much as the other burn mark but...still.

January 7th, 20XY

robin managed to heal it!! it still hurts a little bit, but they were really good. it makes me feel bad for summoning them in the first place. i don't know how else to make their life more normal but i'm trying my best.

January 10th, 20XY

i think..my dads doing something again...i dunno...nea’s been on edge. i know it's winter and usually i only do this in summer but i really can't handle this along with...you know...being a normal high school student for once.

January 11th, 20XY

i came up with a solution!! i’m asking my friend roux to come to the forest with me so that way when she leaves i'm not as afraid of staying!! i have a feeling i'm gonna have to chill in the public library when it opens so i don't get sick, but...it’s better than being home, at least..?

January 12th, 20XY

her parents are super religious, but i ended up staying with her...it’s not so bad!!

January 19th, 20XY

this girl is organising a camping trip! i saw both roxie and effie agree to go, so..i figured it could be fun? honestly i'm really nervous about it but i'll probably just write and draw the whole time. oh, roux also agreed to go! maybe we could go stargazing or something!

January 20th, 20XY

i think roxie and i are going on the closest we’ll ever be to a date. i’m really happy! i wish i could tell her how i feel but, she's way too good for me. 

February 6th, 20XY

talking to kids is hard….especially when they’re dead,,,i wish i could just give Robin a hug. 

February 7th, 20XY

officially moved in with Roxie! i still need to unpack, but...it’s so weird that things are finally looking up for me, for once. i’m sort of just hanging around waiting for the bubble to burst, but...i’ll appreciate it while i can!

February 13th, 20XY

ROXIE ASKED ME TO THE VALENTINE’S DAY DANCE OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. this is genuinely one of the best things that’s happened to me–ever

February 14th, 20XY

i wrote a poem to roxie confessing my feelings for her. i figured today was the best day to do it, right? she gave me a peach rose after coming home...i looked it up. they mean appreciation and gratitude. i’m honestly so surprised that she wasn’t creeped out about it. it feels so...unreal.

February 19th, 20XY

been having weird intuition lately. i checked up on roux and wrote her something...to make up for it. whatever “it” might be

and at night there’s–

a silent stillness in the world around you

and i know you know

a hopeless type of idealism

heading forward, disregard for the past

train tracks rumbling under a full speed and you’re

helpless to stop them

(you’ve known. you’ve known all along)