As We Got Older

I think back on my childhood once in awhile. I was a pretty average browlet. I grew up in a pod with others and I had many friends. I was first to do stuff and always wanted to explore. It got me into trouble as I was fearless.

When I was a little older I started to show off more. I would do stupid stuff to crack a smile or get attention. I was the cool jokester and I was proud of it. My friends looked up to me. They thought I would go places and do things they never would. This motivation steered my life. I began to feel pressure from this and that lead me to start building barriers. People would talk about how great and amazing I was. I however did not feel this way. It felt like there were two versions of myself. The one that people saw and the one who didn't know who they were.

The world felt empty to me but it didn't show. I had a knack of laughing off my problems and blocking people from getting close to me. I had friends sure, but it felt like I had a lot of antiquates than someone I could really talk to.

As a teen I began to take an interest in being independent. It made it easier for me to hide from people when I wanted. It also made it so I didn't have to depend on anyone. Everyone would just see the person I wanted them to see. Good old cool and funny guy. I was relaxed and had charismatic personality. I had many admirers. 

In my early adulthood I started to travel. Hoping to fill find a place I actually belonged. I did a bunch of stuff and took different jobs. As my knowledge of the world grew, my attachment to people loosened. People in my home town started to feel stale. Instead of finding myself I misplaced myself even more.

Due to my adventurous nature and humor I had lots of people who where attracted to me. Each time this was expressed I turned them down. I didn't feel anything with anyone and I was still hiding who I was. I was fine with this until I met Siva.

I didn't think much about her at first. She was interesting and she was pretty smart. I introduced myself to her and I don't remember much after that. I just remember feeling utter bliss and calm. We laughed a lot and I was really starting to dig her. She was different and had an odd way of talking and responding to situations. Very unpredictable and spontaneous at times. It was new and I enjoyed it.

Though I could tell she was starting to grow interested in me. I panicked. In my mind I didn't want anyone close so occasionally I would reply not so great. Then I started to self conscientiously avoid her. She was a lot. While her attention was great, I didn't feel great enough to warrant the time she spent in me.

While knowing her I started to travel a bit. I still wanted to be seen as that traveling and interesting guy. Little did I know, this is when things started to go south for me. It seems like it was yesterday when I was still with her. My time away made me want her more. I would always think of her in the things I did. Imagining how she would act to things or what it would be like to be with her. It was after a long trip that I realized I wanted to be with Siva. I wanted to give a relationship a try.

My detachment was hurting her and I was stupid for being this way. How could I have known? I finally found out in the worst way possible. Before I could even say how I felt she told me broke down in front of me. I pained me to hear he sob and explain just seeing me cause her pain. It feels stupid now but she always has a place in my heart. I pushed her into the arms of another man. At least she was happy.

There isn't much I can do but think about her from afar. Trying not to show myself to her. I still want her in my life. If the sight of my face causes her pain I don't feel I could approach her. It makes me nervous to think about it. Does she still think about me? I wonder how she's doing? I'll just have to keep holding her in my mind. That's all I have left. The memories of her from a time she was mine.