Arc II: Learning Restraint [Elisha & Sabin]

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elisha || juni11/29/2020

Elisha laid on his back in his bed, eyes closed, Emil's gifted sweater draped almost like a blanket on him. It was strange that the smell of it brought him a feeling of nostalgia for something that was in truth such a short chapter of his life. Not that he wasn't displeased to be where he was now-- the stress of their current trials made for interesting decisions from the whole group... but there had also been something nice about growing in the security and routine of Mercaid, too. Remembering and being remembered by Emil made it feel a little less like they were all spinning untethered in the wild current of politics and intrigue. He also missed the privacy of walls. Too often these days he felt moments of vulnerability, and it was easier to remain composed day-to-day when not all of them were spectacle for his peers. He sighed deeply and pulled the loose sweater up over his face-- choosing to ignore anyone who came into their shared room, for the moment.

dogi | | sabin11/29/2020

Sabin had wanted to speak to Elisha for some time, he wasn't sure what was going on with him, but he wanted to make sure everything was ok. Reverie had told him that Elisha was a Changeling, but he had no clue what that meant. He had seen Elisha go from being Alou to Elisha, but he wasn't able to figure out what was going on. After some wandering around the inn, he came back to their room and spotted Elisha with the sweater Emil had knit for them over his face. Sabin walked over to his bed and sat down, "Elisha? Are you... ok?"

elisha || juni11/29/2020

"...?" Elisha blinked in confusion and disbelief as the bed shifted and creaked under Sabin's weight. He wasn't used to being approached, or for others to willingly come into proximity with him. Maybe... maybe their recent dream journey had just left everyone feeling a little sentimental? "Sabin~" His voice was friendly but cold as ever, and reluctantly he pulled the sweater down so he could look at the taller man. "What... makes you ask that?" He was genuinely curious. He hadn't ever been particularly kind to Sabin, not enough to merit concern. But maybe that was just the sort of person Sabin was-- running headfirst into others' personal problems, including those of Headmistress' sons and Fey Kings. What did Sabin think he was going to find?

dogi | | sabin11/29/2020

Wasn't it obvious why he was asking? Sabin had seen the change happen before his eyes, he just wasn't sure of he had seen. "Well... you're Elisha and I know you, but I also saw that Alou guy turn into you. Then Reverie said you're a Changeling and... I have no clue what that is." There was some concern in his voice. His relationship with Elisha wasn't the best, but he still wanted to make sure his former housemate was still ok.

elisha || juni11/29/2020

Sabin wasn't afraid or angry. Just confused and... still concerned? Relieved that this wasn't an entirely an emotions talk, Elisha sat up, putting the sweater aside and folding his hands in his lap. "My apologies Sabin, I never had the time to explain to you, or Keon for that matter." No need to mention it was due to moronic self poisoning. "Changelings are shapeshifters. They're meant to fit in and to spy. I can copy people's appearances, and also create completely new identities." He hums. "Kind of like how Lee isn't a real human, just a made up student. These new identities come with names, feelings, backstories, personalities..." Sometimes inconvenient ones. His expression flickers a brief moment of irritation. "Alou is me but he's also someone else. You don't have to worry about him~" A pause. "You... also don't have to worry about me, most of all." Elisha offers him a smile, perfectly practiced. Then, reluctantly, he adds, "Changelings have true selves, too. You probably won't ever see him, very often." Elisha considered if he'd change to Venn if Sabin asked. He found he wasn't particularly afraid of the idea of being perceived by Sabin. "Questions?"

dogi | | sabin11/29/2020

Sabin just stared at Elisha for a moment while he processes all the information that he just received. It was a lot to take in and many more questions ran through his mind. Was Elisha a spy? If he was, who was he spying on and for who? Then he recalled his own change occurring due to his relic, and thought this could possibly be the same thing. "Were you always a Changeling? I mean before your relic." The thought of Elisha's true self confused Sabin. "And... if it was after that relic... aren't you, Elisha, your... true self?" Sabin spoke slowly, he wasn't sure of the correct way to ask this question. The last thing he wanted to do was say something wrong.

elisha || juni11/29/2020

"Of course not~!" He sounded quite a bit more assured than he had originally felt, but with time the doubt was certainly fading. Having met all the fey courts, his fears about being associated specifically with one had lessened. "That's... an apt observation, Sabin." Elisha complimented the other, meaning it as genuinely as he could. "You're a very truthful person. You wear your heart on your sleeve much of the time! But aren't there parts of yourself that even you keep hidden? Fears, insecurities, troubles...?" He beams pleasantly. "Either from yourself or others?" His eyes search the satyr's face. Then he looks off at the other end of the room to give him space. "I am me, of course. But I think everyone lies to themselves sometimes. And even normal people have different versions of themselves they use around strangers, enemies, friends, family, lovers, and even their own selves alone." He pauses. "My true self is me without any of those protections."

dogi | | sabin11/29/2020

Sabin shifted his eyes away from Elisha, when he saw Elisha take a look at him. He wasn't ready to give away how he was feeling upon hearing those words. Of course he had hidden parts of himself. He didn't have anyone he trusted enough to share that with. The more he thought on it thought on Elisha's words however, he started to realize that he might be hiding from himself as well. To get past these thoughts, Sabin decided to get more information on Changelings, both for his own sake and so he wouldn't make himself look moronic in front of the other identities. "You said that the identities have their own backstories and personalities, does that mean you had different childhoods growing up? Also, did they exist before you were a Changeling?" Sabin again spoke slowly because he wasn't sure if the question made any sense. Sabin also wondered if Elisha had trusted him enough to meet his true self. He wouldn't be let down if he declined, but it was worth a shot he figured. "Can I meet your true self? I understand if you don't want me to. So it's fine either way. I'm glad you're sharing this with me regardless."

elisha || juni11/29/2020

The slow careful phrasing of Sabin's questions didn't escape Elisha's notice. He looked back at him while he asked, and cocked his head, as if trying to see him better. "I suppose they do. One's childhood is very formative. They're not real, of course-- but imagining a childhood helps one imagine why they are the way they are. I learned that much at least from all of you~" "And... pieces of them existed, probably. Alou was sort of just a desire. Venn-- my true self-- well, wasn't quite so literal, but I suppose is real enough." Elisha shrugged to indicate he's not entirely sure himself. If this went over Sabin's head, he wouldn't blame him. Elisha shifted, then leaned in closer. "Are you sure you want to?" He asked, smiling broadly like a snake. "The more you commit to knowing me, the more impossible it becomes to disentangle yourself from my life. You want to know me? Connections go two ways. Venn is easily read, but he is also far better at reading other people than I am." Not that Venn would want to hurt Sabin that way, but Elisha couldn't help but tease. (edited)

dogi | | sabin11/29/2020

Sabin seemed to understand some of what Elisha was explaining to him, but it really didn't matter. He was excited to meet and get to know these other identities better. "So, Alou is a part of you that wanted to be tall and flirty and Venn is the part of you that's, I assume, kind and doesn't write your name down on the contract for your golem pal as the person he should obey?" Sabin spoke in his usual, happier tone, but he was certainly still upset with Elisha over what happened with Grimsby's contract.  Sabin knew he was good enough at holding things back that if he spoke to Venn he wouldn't let anything out that he cared about, so he wasn't concerned for himself. More than anything, he just needed to be sure Elisha would be okay it. "I'm sure, if you're sure. I don't think our lives can become disentangled at this point if I'm being honest."

elisha || juni11/29/2020

Elisha was caught between surprise and increduility at the barbed jabs Sabin casually threw back at him. It wasn't the sort of passive aggressive teasing he'd expect from him-- and in response Elisha broke out in a grin. He didn't mean to be flippant or dismissive-- he was genuinely delighted at seeing another facet of Sabin. "Ouch. Okay, that was deserved..." he relented, looking as apologetic as he was able. After a pause, he sighed deeply-- as he exhaled, his colors melted away into Venn's. "I didn't know you were still upset about that... Why didn't you say anything?"

dogi | | sabin11/29/2020

Sabin didn't really mean anything by it, but he wanted to make sure that Elisha wouldn't try to do something like that again in the future, so he was glad he mentioned it at least.  As he watched Elisha change into Venn, he was amazed. Just seeing Elisha go from being one person to another in front of him was exciting. Even though he knew what he had just witnessed was real, he still went ahead and poked Venn a few times in the cheek to make sure that Venn was real. "Well of course I'm still upset about it, Grimsby isn't really free. I don't intend to ever tell him what to do, but the fact that it's written in the contract still hurts." Sabin poked Venn again. "Nice to meet you Venn. How much... do you know about me?"

elisha || juni11/29/2020

Venn let out a strangled squawk of surprise at thr first poke, and then ineffectively tried to bat Sabin's hand away for the next consecutive few. He flushed to have to endure the juvenile antics, pursing his lips in a slight pout, then leaned away to try to create space between them again. "Should've just taken the contract and ripped it up, then." He muttered sullenly, but immediately felt bad about that. He didn't know that Sabin had cared that much about their steward... but Grimsby had certainly been easier to get along with than Reverie, that was for sure. "... You assume we knew anything substantial about you in the first place, Sabin. Truth is, everything Elisha thinks about you is a guess." He crossed his arms. "It's really rather frustrating."

dogi | | sabin11/29/2020

"You're not wrong, but we were in a rush and everyone would be more upset with me if I argued about it more." He was surprised that he would get a direct response like that, but at the same time if Venn was based on a part of Elisha, it made sense. Sabin rose to his feet and bent down to touch his hooves. Venn's response was unexpected at first. Elisha and Sabin hadn't ever really spoken or spent time getting to know each other, so it made sense. More questions also came to mind about Changelings. Sabin stood up and smiled at Venn, "Care to share some of these guesses? If Elisha wanted to know something, he could just ask. He's always trying to poke, with words, to get information. I don't really care for that."

November 30, 2020

elisha || juniYesterday at 12:00 AM

Venn hadn't been expecting Sabin to say he was worried about them all being upset at him. He hadn't thought that Sabin had much cared what they thought, all for his stubborness sometimes. But... no, that tracked. Sabin cared, after all. Perhaps just too much, and perhaps his caring was part of his stubborness. Venn seemed to relax when Sabin left the bed, settling to watch the other stretch. Then Sabin smiled at him and he jumped like Sabin had just prodded him again. Venn gave a tentative but confused smile back. "And you would just... tell us?" Venn's expression looked less sulky and more thoughtful. "We wouldn't have to trick you into it?" He laughed softly, like he was charmed suddenly. "D'accord. Ok. We think the reason you're so hard headed is because nobody's listened to you before. Or maybe you grew up constantly fighting someone."

dogi | | sabinYesterday at 12:36 AM

"Depending on what it is being asked, yeah." Sabin nodded. He had no problems sharing a bit about himself. He didn't need to reveal anymore than he wanted to and he preferred that to Elisha scheming and digging. "Why would you ever have to trick someone to learn about them? You could just get to know them." Venn having to ask if they wouldn't have to trick him didn't sit well with him. "I'd say I'm only hardheaded when I think someone might get hurt, especially if I care about the person." This wasn't a lie, but it was the whole truth either. Venn wasn't entirely wrong, but talking about the monastery wasn't something he was interested in at the moment.

elisha || juniYesterday at 12:56 AM

"Because people lie, people are scared, people are difficult, and we want to know more about them than they're ever comfortable with us knowing." He reaches back over to fidget with the sweater in his hands. "I'm not good at people because I don't know and it's hard to understand. I want to know more so I can get better at making and having friends." "Like with Deimos. He didn't want us to know any of that. It was a trick. He wouldn't have allowed us close if we hadn't stolen the story of his past. We traipsed through it without his permission. So is that wrong? Even if it helps him?"

dogi | | sabinYesterday at 1:35 AM

"But it's each persons choice to share with you what they want. The better you get to know someone, they more they'll trust you with things they wouldn't normally share." Sabin walked over to his own bed and sat down. "I'm not... very good at dealing with people either. So, I do understand wanting to know them better, but... you can't force it." "I think in the case of Deimos, someone wanted us to help him. Someone... who loved him."

elisha || juniYesterday at 1:57 AM

Venn had the feeling this was similar to the thing with Grimsby. So knowing people was more than closeness like he'd assumed with Emory. It was more than vulnerability like he'd discovered with Shiloh. It was freedom, too? He felt a shiver of fear in a cold place in his gut. Freedom always meant the possibility of rejection and abandonment. "So... it's like... growing plants." He hummed, thinking about Alou. Being overbearing killed plants. "Or fishing." He thought of Emil as he fussed with the sweater in his hands. Both activities sounded rather lonely. How lonely had Emil been before they'd all charged at him at the edge of that wood? Venn drew his knees up. "I have to admit that restraint wasn't the advice I was expecting from you..." He squints at Sabin from behind his knees, trying and failing not to look sullen. "But I suppose Alou is good at that. So maybe I'll try to be him more often." (edited)

dogi | | sabinYesterday at 9:51 AM

"Yeah, in a way I guess. Both require some patience." Sabin started to lay down, letting his legs hang off the edge of the bed. He knew he was giving this advice to Venn, but it was also partially to himself. He could think of a few occasions when he tried to force his someone to reveal more than they wanted. With Shiloh at the training palace and with Voland regarding what he knew about Elspeth's plan. He shook off the moment with Shiloh, because he didn't need to know what was wrong and just wanted to help him process it. It was still wrong though, he knew that now. With Voland though, he couldn't help but think if he spent more time becoming friends with him, he would have been willing to share what was going on. If he was able to get Voland to open up, maybe he would still be alive. After a brief moment of silence, Sabin spoke in a quiet voice, "It's something I've had to learn as well. Does it help to just switch identities depending on the moment? Wouldn't it be better if you or Elisha learned this yourselves instead of relying on Alou?"

elisha || juniYesterday at 12:35 PM

Venn had to consider. The answer was something he felt he intuitively knew, but articulating that took him a moment. "Knowing isn't the same as being. Like how reading how to fish doesn't make you a fisherman. Practice is key to learning." "So I practice through my personas. Switching to them makes it easier to do, and doing makes it easier to understand and to be. Alou doesn't affect Elisha and Elisha doesn't affect Alou, but both bleed to me and I sort of bleed through them, too." "Change is hard and takes a long time to internalize. And certain lessons are harder to pick up by different people. Elisha can certainly go through the motions of being nicer but his capacity for feeling is limited and he is prone to being unknowingly hurtful. I'm afraid to exist outside of the safety of closed doors and I can't get the experience I need. So, Alou." He takes a deep breath, having rambled the thought into semi-coherency. Sabin was probably right that Venn learning himself was probably better, but he honestly didn't trust enough people to care strongly enough about him to protect him, out there. Elisha was the only person who could.

dogi | | sabinYesterday at 12:57 PM

Sabin took a moment to think on what Venn had just said. Through hearing Venn's explanation Sabin came to a realization about Elisha. He always assumed that Elisha acted intentionally and that was the reason they didn't get along. But if it was unintended and Venn bled through to Elisha, he could possibly help them both by helping Venn. "Why not start now then? You're currently sharing a room with five other people. Why not take the chance to get to know the people you'll... one of you will be spending a lot of time with? And if you trust us, you can slowly step outside." Sabin wasn't sure if his phrasing made sense, but he hoped that his point was made. He wasn't sure if he was overstepping or not, but he did want to understand Elisha if he could and talking to Venn seemed much easier than talking to Elisha.

elisha || juniYesterday at 1:28 PM

"I'm afraid you won't like me--" Venn blurted out earnestly before even realizing, then flushed and put his face into his sweater. It was okay if nobody liked Elisha-- it was part of the point of him-- but if they didn't like Venn? What did he do with that knowledge? "S-sorry," he stammered, muffled but still loud enough to hear. "That isn't. Fair to say. I feel it but I shouldn't say it. I don't mean to guilt you into liking me. Don't try to like me just because of that." He huffed in frustration, mostly at himself. Then, reluctantly, "I like all of you, though. I'd like to trust you, too." It seemed to be a small agreement to Sabin's suggestion. (edited)

dogi | | sabinYesterday at 2:07 PM

Sabin started to laugh quietly. He knew what that fear was, even if he'd never say it out loud. Since the day he arrived at Mercaid, that was all he thought about. What would he do if the people he had to live with didn't like him? He thought about it even now. The day they all decide that they had enough of him and leave him. "You don't need to be sorry. I like you more because you said that. You were honest, I... admire that. If I'm being honest, I imagine I have a better shot at friendship with you than with Elisha." Sabin thought maybe if he shared an honest thought as well it would help Venn feel a bit more at ease. "I like you too by the way." Sabin spoke quietly, almost whispering. Part of him wanted Venn to hear and part of him didn't.

elisha || juniYesterday at 2:59 PM

There was a sniffle. Then a hiccup. "Sabinn," Venn's voice came out tight as his throat closed up from the heat that came with trying and failing not to cry. Sabin's words felt like a tentative thing, a butterfly that could be easily scared away, and he was afraid of messing it up. Still, he could hardly repress anything right now. "You're.. nice." He managed, scrubbing his face with the sweater. "You're just... really nice." No one ever had to try to be anything around him. He didn't have an ego. And he tried, which was more than many people could say they did. "Thank you."

dogi | | sabinYesterday at 3:50 PM

Sabin wasn't expecting to hear that from anyone. He could tell that Venn was crying, he too felt an emotional rush, but held back his tears for once. His past experiences with his housemates made him think that maybe he wasn't all that nice. He certainly tried to be caring, but a lot of that was lost on them he thought. He was glad to hear those words. "I... I'm not entirely sure that I am, but thank you for saying that." (edited)

elisha || juniYesterday at 4:13 PM

"You want to be. Even Elisha can see that." Venn takes a deep, shaky breath. When he lifts his face from the sweater he's still bleary eyed, but he's smiling faintly. "I think that's the important part." Wanting to be something was the first step towards change. "A-anyway..." He huffs loudly, as if to put a period on the conversation and move on. He felt rubbed raw, like one tended to feel after crying. "Thank you for checking on me Sabin. And for the talk. I think I should go get a drink." He folded the sweater carefully and put it on the pillow of his bed. "Um... Do you mind if I keep trying to find a good nickname for you? It sounds fun but I wouldn't want to use something you don't like..."

dogi | | sabinYesterday at 4:58 PM

Sabin was surprised to hear Venn say that Elisha had noticed that about him as well. He had met so few people who were genuinely kind, that he knew that that was the type of person he wanted to be. He just didn't know the best way to act in front of everyone so his thoughts were better than his actions. He wasn't really sure how to respond so he forced himself to quietly say, "Tha-thank you." "I don't mind at all, I'd love to have a good nickname."

elisha || juniYesterday at 5:08 PM

Venn's face lit up at the permission-- or rather, encouragement. "D'ac, I will think of something. Just, ah, shake your head if you don't like them. Or something." He hopped off the bed, giving his face one more wipe and brushing off his clothes. Then, with a breath, he was Alou again. "See you another time-!" He awkwardly gave a wave, nearly tripping over his own legs in his rush to leave the room.