Arc II: Do Better [Elisha & Shiloh]

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elisha || juni12/01/2020

Even Elisha had to admit that forcing his presence on his housemates to provoke various reactions out of them lost some of its shine when he was likewise forced to endure the presence of any of the housemates at any time. It was more difficult too when he had agreed to try to spend more time as Venn-- that was practically just turning on the counter to 'x hours until next tears'. Not that it wasn't nice to know some of the others' thougts, and he knew that tears were logically the body's way of relieving excess emotion and phlegmatic humors, but... well,  a lot of that tenderness had been scolded out of him when he was a child, and crying made him feel lonelier than anything else. It reminded him of being put in the mortuary for the night, where the dead hardly offered solace and his father could pretend he was teaching him something. No, Elisha had to get out. There was a lot to explore, anyways-- at least, within the boundaries of what was deemed safe in this city. The Undercroft had been beautiful, but shadows and masks made it feel uncomfortable to wander alone. This was a welcome change of pace. He had been meandering about for some short time alone, enjoying the air and the light, when he spotted a familiar face. Shiloh? He briefly considered letting him pass without comment-- for the peace, and all of that. Haha, who was he kidding? Of course he wouldn't do that. "Productive morning~?" He called out-- one could interpret that as an accusation if they were someone like Keon, perhaps. Though they were moving in opposite directions, he slowed and turned as if he might join the other towards his destination.

shiloh || koh12/01/2020

It had been a productive morning for Shiloh, and likely would have continued to be if not for Elisha manifesting in the middle of his walk. It would have been easy enough to ignore the other boy in the middle of the markets. There were plenty of excuses. Maybe he just hadn't heard the Common over the mix of other, more familiar languages. Maybe he was conveniently distracted by the stall he had just passed. But Shiloh had no such luck, nor did he expect Elisha to give him an easy way out. Still, it didn't stop him from making a face as Elisha turned to follow after him. No doubt he was looking for something to poke at until it bit him.  "Why are you out here?" He threw back his own question, completely ignoring the one posed to him. It was a better question anyway, he thought. Elisha wandering the markets was a recipe for disaster. His knack for irritating everyone around him may have been tolerated by Spoken, but Shiloh had no doubts that Elisha would likely end up cursed (or worse) before they had finished their job in the Shifting Forest. Besides, inflicting him on anyone in the city seemed unfair. He continued walking, assuming Elisha was following along without actually looking his direction. Shiloh kept one hand loosely holding the strap of Tyrfing's scabbard that hung over one shoulder. He had intended to go and revisit some of the shops he knew, maybe show the sword the sort of leatherworking that was possible in the city and see what it liked for when they actually had money to spend. Now that he had company, he wasn't so sure it was a good idea. It was difficult to disagree with Tyrfing's encouragement of bloodshed when Elisha was present.

elisha || juni12/01/2020

"Am I not allowed to go outside?" He shot back, if only to show that two could play that game. Then Elisha laughed and shook his head, relenting early in a show of good faith. "Six beds take up a lot of space and I wanted to stretch my legs. Does that make you nervous? Would you rather we all stay put?" He knew how wary Shiloh was of the fey, and it was likely for good reason. Would he, could he, demand obedience from them all for their own good? He supposed it could be both a measure of caring and a measure of will. "I somehow doubt you would actually be all that disappointed if I got myself killed. Unless that's something you'd rather claim yourself, haha...?"

shiloh || koh12/01/2020

So many questions, and Shiloh wanted to answer exactly none of them. Well, maybe the last one. That was an easy answer, and one he knew would probably irritate Elisha. A win all around, really. "No." It was honest, too. He really would rather not kill Elisha, even if it was only for Venn's sake. He didn't know if it was possible to kill a changeling's persona without damaging their true self, but the day he figured it out, Elisha was in for a world of hurt. For the time being, Shiloh would tolerate him.  "Venn deserves better." He remembered what Venn had told him, back in his room at the palace. Elisha hated losing. How must it feel then, Shiloh wondered, to lose to another part of yourself? Was there some small victory in being part of the winning whole? Or did it make losing that much more bitter, to know that you were so close to victory and unable to be the actual cause? Shiloh looked over Elisha, noting the bruise still on his cheek from where he'd punched him in the throne room. That must have been a victory, given the way he wore the mark like a badge of honor.  The jab about Venn was mostly an attempt to get the other boy to shut up, anyway. He'd been having a perfectly nice walk before Elisha showed up, and if the cleric wanted to bother him, he could do the same in return.

elisha || juni12/01/2020

Elisha's expression darkened for a moment-- something more frustrated than his normal performative pout. He clicked his tongue, intending the gesture to be dismissive but only coming off as petty instead. "He doesn't, not really. We're not that different, that we'd want different things." Why was he sabotaging... himself? Elisha found himself having to smooth the crease of his own furrowed brow a second time in a row. His feelings were hurt, but also he found himself torn. Pleased? This was a hint. A start. It was also infuriating, though. He blew out a huff.  "I'm trying too, you know." How'd he end up on the defensive in this conversation, anyways? "Not that I expect that to matter to you, but.  Ah well." He was too tilted to think of something to jab Shiloh back with immediately, to shift the flow of their conversation back into his own favor.

shiloh || koh12/01/2020

"But you want it to matter to me." Shiloh was only watching from out of the corner of his eye, but it was easy enough to see his words had hit their mark. "That's why you mentioned it." There wasn't a question about it. He knew he was right, but he still couldn't puzzle out why Elisha wanted his approval at all. There were plenty of other people he could matter to--Emory specifically came to mind. Was that not enough for him? Or did he only want to matter to Shiloh as a sort of bargaining chip. Something to hold over his head when he needed an advantage. Venn made more sense in that regard, at least. He hadn't pretended to want anything other than learning. If Elisha was telling the truth about them wanting similar things, then perhaps that's what he was after. Shiloh made a face. If that was what he wanted, he certainly had a complicated way of going about it. There wasn't any need to pull strings to make someone else feel like teaching was in their best interest--it usually just was. There didn't have to be any strings attached at all if he'd just ask. Shiloh huffed in quiet frustration and came to a stop on a random street corner, folding his arms as he looked at the other boy. "What do you want? From following me."

elisha || juni12/01/2020

Shiloh's perception chilled him, sometimes. Not that he was trying particularly hard to be obscure, but it was whiplash after talking to... well, any of the others, honestly. All of them had such limited scopes and lenses to view each other through, Elisha included. Was Shiloh's ability to perceive others just one of those things that was inherent? Or was it tied to being raised near a place like this? Perhaps it was not just that, but also how blunt he was about weilding his observations. Elisha pursed his lips, not agreeing or denying with Shiloh's first statement. Then the other stopped and turned to him. "You tell me!" He snapped back-- then, seeming to realize how much of his irritation at being seen he was letting slip, he sat back on his heels, crossig his arms in a mirror of Shiloh's posture. "... The biggest reactions I seem to get out of you are the angry ones." He answered himself as much as he was answering Shiloh. "So if that's all I can get, that's what I'll have. I want to know you-- the you who seems to bring out the best in other people, sure. But also the you who refuses to deal with my nonsense. The you I saw when we were fighting the wyrm thing in the cave." He cocked his head, then gave his more characteristic, chipper smile. "I can only do that by spending time around you." It was sort of the same morbid curiosity one had by prodding an insect to watch it thrash.

shiloh || koh12/01/2020

Shiloh's brows raised a fraction as Elisha snapped. He'd thought it would have been more satisfying, if this was what winning a conversation was supposed to feel like. Why did Elisha seem to enjoy it so much? It just felt hollow, like turning a beetle onto its back and watching it struggle to right itself. "I can't tell you what you want. Not.. really." He spoke slowly, as though explaining it to himself on top of struggling to find the right words. Not that he expected Elisha to really understand what he was trying to get across either way. As much as Shiloh might be able to make guesses at Elisha's motives from what he'd seen, there was no actually knowing what went on in his head. Only one person knew that--or maybe three. The point was, he sure didn't know. Shiloh sighed, face scrunching up as he scrutinized the other boy. "What you actually want.. do you know it? What you want from knowing me?"

elisha || juni12/01/2020

That question dug a step deeper than Elisha had even considered. He had always known he liked watching people-- their motives, their potential, their growth-- and the actions they took were the most interesting things. Prodding his housemates, spurring them into actions-- that'd been what he wanted from the very beginning. He was fascinated with their lives. But why-- what did he want from that? Shiloh's question put him off from both the offensive and the defensive. Though Shiloh was making quite a face at him, it wasn't an inherently aggressive question. He felt like he was trying to be understood as much perhaps as he was trying to understand. "... Maybe." He finally answered, after a moment. Even though that wasn't the answer he wanted to give, he couldn't bring himself to lie to his housemates. It would be hypocritical to seek to dissect them without at least being true enough to himself, even when not as Venn. "There's so many things I can't be, that only you can be. You're all wonderful, lost, living things. I..." want connection. Approval. Belonging. Improvement. Words that probably would have spluttered out of Venn like hot blood from a gaping wound. "... worship that struggle." Elisha finished, unable to feel or even find those words. Still, he seemed to look dissatisfied with his own answer. He uncrossed his arms and shook his head.

December 2, 2020

shiloh || koh12/02/2020

This conversation was becoming too heavy to have on a street corner in the middle of a city full of ears far keener than their own. No sense in letting any of them get the whole story. Shiloh sighed and tilted his head off to one side as though to gesture for Elisha to continue following as he began walking again. He was half tempted to ask the other boy to cast tongues again, just for simplicity's sake, but part of him was still far too stubborn to want to rely on Elisha that much. "There are many things I cannot be.. no matter how much I want it." Shiloh spoke without looking towards the cleric, his eyes focused on the street and shops in front of them as a convenient distraction. "I learned that a long time ago." He fell into thoughtful silence again, and bit down on the inside of his cheek. Was that entirely true? Was a lesson only learned once it had thoroughly defeated you? Or would it remain just out of reach until he accepted it? That was the important part, wasn't it. Acceptance. Shiloh's grip tightened slightly around the strap of Tyrfing's scabbard. "You speak about people.. but don't include yourself. You speak about living like you're not." Whether he'd meant to or not, Shiloh's voice had grown softer, and all the noise of the city around them threatened to drown him out entirely.  "You don't think you're part of it."(edited)

elisha || juni12/02/2020

Elisha couldn't help the small swell of surprised satisfaction when Shiloh nodded for them  to continue-- he was too used to the other just... choosing to stalk off, whether Elisha would follow or not. He was quick to step alongside the other, quite earnest despite his normal belligerence-- while Shiloh's eyes wandered the space around them, Elisha was only focused on him. What did Shiloh want to be, then? Like the fey? Or Like the Spoken? With some great difficulty, he tamped down the urge to pick at that cruelly. Patience, Sabin had said. If Elisha couldn't be any better than Sabin, well, he deserved to be shut out by all of them. The softness of Shiloh's voice couldn't round out the precision of his next words-- not an upsetting observation, but an unexpected one, like when one accidentally cut their hand and the pain hadn't quite registered. Elisha had all but laid out the information, but wouldn't have made that conclusion himself. "I never got to have that." He agreed pleasantly, slow words betraying how careful he was trying to be about choosing them. "I wasn't supposed to have it." So was that what he wanted, ultimately? He felt... distant, from the realization. It was an uncomfortable thing and he immediately compartmentalized it and put it apart from himself so he could manage it. "And I don't feel like a real person, much of the time. It's hard fitting in when it seems like there's something you never learned, that everyone else seems to know."(edited)

shiloh || koh12/02/2020

I wasn't supposed to have it. The familiarity of the words prompted a burst of panic that stopped Shiloh in his tracks. He turned to the nearest shop as a distraction and looked in the front window, which held a display of boots and belts and other leather goods. If he hadn't been followed at the moment, Shiloh might have gone in to look. Instead, he seemed to be transfixed on their pair of reflections in the glass, though looking just a little closer revealed his gaze was far too distant. He'd thought the same, for a long while. That maybe he was meant to watch every one else and all their joy and sorrow and laughter from a distance. That if he'd never gotten to have it, if he could never quite grasp it for himself, then maybe it simply wasn't meant for him to have. But Elisha couldn't know that. It was far too close to himself for the other boy to want to see. He couldn't know. Shiloh's eyes refocused on the window in front of him, wandering idly over both of their reflections. They weren't similar. Not outwardly. Elisha's hair was dark. Shiloh's was light. Elisha's eyes were red. His own were blue. It was comforting, in an oddly grounding sort of way. It brought a familiar sense of distance and let his thoughts settle back into something coherent. "What do you think a real person.. feels like?"

elisha || juni12/02/2020

Elisha stopped alongside Shiloh, glancing into the store to see what apparently had caught the other's eye. He missed the hit that his answer had had-- and instead found himself making a mental note of the shop they had paused in front of. Handcrafts, unsurprisingly. Whenever he saw carvings or inlays he thought about Shiloh and his focused eyes and careful hands, now. His eyes glanced finally to Shiloh in the reflection when the other spoke up, and he was able to only just mask his surprise that Shiloh was already looking at themselves both. It didn't occur to him at all that this was something Shiloh might not even know-- he just assumed it was more grounds for judgement. Not that it would stop him from answering, anyways. A part of him longed to be known. "Less... hungry. Less like a wolf at the door." He mused. Hunger was the word for it, for him. There was a hole and he could become unfeeling and unconsidering in attempts to fill it. "Not so empty. Not thin like water. More substantial like milk or honey. Thicker, like blood." He smiled, expression carefully composed.  "Softer, but fiercer. More vulnerable but more alive." That's why that's not something I'm supposed to have. Shiloh though? Shiloh looked like those things to Elisha. He turned his hungering eyes away, finally, looking further down the street. "Not so far away."(edited)

shiloh || koh12/02/2020

It was the answer Shiloh might have expected from Elisha, but it left him unsatisfied all the same. He turned away from the shop with a sigh and resumed his walk, this time without bothering to invite Elisha along. Shiloh was sure he'd follow on his own. Perhaps he'd even throw Elisha a bone, if he was really so hungry. "A wolf caught his dinner was hurrying home to eat." It had been a while since he'd bothered telling Elisha a story. The other boy wasn't particularly good at catching their meaning, but Shiloh figured this one may be simple enough for his point to get across.  "He crossed a bridge above a deep river, and looked down, where he saw what he thought was another wolf under the water. It looked like this new wolf had an even larger dinner in its mouth than his own. 'I can fight them,' he thought, 'and then I shall have even more to eat.' He snapped at the other wolf to steal its dinner, but it had only been his reflection in the water . So, he lost both dinners: the reflection that was only water, and his own, because the stream swept it away. He went home hungry." Shiloh glanced over at Elisha now, brows raised in a silent question. Was that simple enough for him? Just in case, he threw in a hint. "You're only looking for what you already have."(edited)

elisha || juni12/02/2020

For a brief moment, Elisha was able to wonder if the way others felt when he interrogated them was the same way he felt when Shiloh dropped his fables-- listening cautiously, waiting for that gotcha moment, then feeling incredibly childish and stupid. He was glad for the cold winter air in this place right now, as the sharp bite of it hid what would otherwise be a rare flush on his face. He pursed his lips and looked up at the sky, trusting that walking alongside Shiloh wouldn't run him into a wall of ledge. The other's finishing statement did soften the edge of the cautionary tale, and he exhaled a small puff of breath in the cold. "Not much of a comfort..." That's what made it so difficult to swallow. "I must seem foolish."

shiloh || koh12/02/2020

"You do." It was honest, anyway. "I won't comfort you for it." To Shiloh, it was a foolish way to go about looking for answers, anyway. Elisha was so wrapped up in looking at everyone else and seeing what he lacked, he likely didn't realize what he already had. Not that Shiloh was going to flatter him by explaining it.  "Do you know what would have happened if you had damaged the throne?" They were talking about Elisha being a fool, after all, and that particular moment had been wandering in and out of Shiloh's thoughts since it had happened. The rage that it had prompted was expected. It was an insult to everything Shiloh had been taught. But the underlying panic that he'd felt-- it had caught him off-guard. Why had he panicked? For Elisha's sake? He dismissed the thought almost immediately. It must have been for the danger it had put everyone else in. That must have been it. Still, he looked sidelong at Elisha and the bruise that he still wore proudly on his cheek. "If you had harmed it.. no punch would have spared you."(edited)

elisha || juni12/02/2020

"You saved my life~" He sounded far too chipper about that. "Stopping me before I got carried away. Very heroic." "... But you're right. You'd think I'd have learned by now after.. what.. three? Near deaths, that rushing into unknown situations is asking for it." He tried to sound genuinely apologetic. Tried.

December 3, 2020

shiloh || koh12/03/2020

Ah, there was the familiar annoyance. Shiloh couldn't help but roll his eyes briefly skyward. He'd been wondering when it would show up again. The last thing he wanted was Elisha's thanks, but the insincerity of it was the final straw. Did he not understand the danger he'd put everyone else in? Or did he simply not care? "I stopped you for the others." He took a quick step forward and turned around, cutting off the other boy's path forward. "Did you think about that? What might have happened to everyone else?" He'd tolerated Elisha so far, but the cleric's easy dismissal brought a sharp edge back into Shiloh's voice. How could someone with their shared history care so little? How could he not be terrified at the prospect of dying again? For a moment, a memory of ash and flames flickered in the back of Shiloh's mind, and the already cool winter air surrounding them seemed to drop several degrees further. He leveled a frigid glare in Elisha's direction, unaware of the faint blue glow that came with it. "I don't think you've learned." Shiloh snapped, nerves set on edge. "You don't consider yourself alive. Why would you bother avoiding death? Fine." He only had to reach over his shoulder, a small but gleeful voice in the back of his mind reminded him. It had felt good the last time, hadn't it? Cutting through flesh and bone? He only had to draw his sword and remove the problem in front of-- No.  Shiloh shook his head unprompted, as though he could shake the thought from his mind entirely. This was a person. Not a problem. When he looked up at Elisha again, the icy glow had vanished, and his quietly simmering rage had cooled into reluctant distate. This was an irritating, disingenuous, and uncaring person, but a person nonethless. When Shiloh spoke again his voice was soft, but undeniably bitter. "Do not bring everyone else to die with you."

December 4, 2020

elisha || juniYesterday at 5:34 PM

Elisha felt a moment of uncertainty-- not from his own actions, of course. He knew what he'd done was stupid reckless endangerment at best, and part of his flippancy was from embarrassment after the fact. No, he felt uncertain about what Shiloh would do. Was it possible to be literally pierced by those blue eyes? The blue glow said perhaps, yes. His heart beat fast and the sound of blood rushed in his ears. The violence, the anger, the desire for retribution. He could understand that. You're no better than me. Show me that you're no better than me. But then Shiloh seemed to cool his anger. The look of detached dislike, of disapproval, cut Elisha deeper than any blade could. How did Shiloh manage to make him feel ashamed? He looked down and away from those eyes, exhaling a shaky breath. The worst part was that Shiloh was still trying so hard to get his point across through words. He wasn't storming off, or simply venting his anger with force. He cared that much for the others. "... You've shown me my place. I will do better." His face flushed redder at the shame of admitting wrongdoing. It was still too difficult to simply say sorry, but he managed at least to say those words louder than a mutter, and looked appropriately chastened this time.

December 5, 2020

shiloh || kohToday at 4:07 PM

For a long moment, Shiloh simply stared back at the other boy in cold silence, watching the flush spread across his face. Elisha hated losing, but he hated showing how he felt just as much. Maybe that was just a different type of losing to him. Maybe the red on his cheeks was a surrender. Either way, Shiloh could tell his point had gotten across. "Prove it." His response was clipped, but only just enough to try and dissuade Elisha from pursuing anything further. If he hadn't had such a tight grip on the strap of Tyrfing's scabbard, Elisha might have noticed the slight tremble that Shiloh's hands held. He needed to go. He needed to clear his head. Whatever whisper had appeared in his mind was likely still there, waiting for another opportunity, and he couldn't very well think it through with Elisha watching his every move. "Stop following me. I'm done teaching for today." With that, he turned around once again and continued down the street.

elisha || juniToday at 4:37 PM

The pause was a wind-up and the demand was a slap. Elisha's flat mouth twitched into a defensive smile for a split second-- as close as he'd get to flinching-- and when Shiloh turned and left he obeyed and did not pursue him. The smoldering shame immediately cooled into a hard, foreign, heavy lump of a thing in his chest, and he found he could not discard it so he simply put it to the side-- to be reminded, but not weighed down. It didn't make its presence any less bitter, though. Once he regained presence of mind of his surroundings, he turned and left to head back to their temporary home in a route that hopefully wouldn't intersect with the other. He needed to get out of the cold.