First kiss

“Hey. Come on before they spot us,” I call in a hushed voice.

“They’re not gonna spot us,” she replies in the same tone, with a smile in her voice and a glint in her eyes. It’s the only thing I can see clearly in the darkness, shinning against her dark skin and black hair.

We silently sneak around the dojo – she spends most of her days there, and I’ve been accompanying Hiro there for years, we would know our way around with our eyes closed, let alone in the dark. I pull her behind a barn, out of the way of a tipsy night owl – it’s the butcher, I recognise him immediately, no one else in the village has such a ridiculous haircut. We tiptoe out of our hiding spot after the man has disappeared out of sight. We can still hear him sing a raunchy song, and I contain a snicker while she smiles amusedly.

I grab her hand, ignore the shivers this simple action sends down my spine, and pull her along on the empty street. 

///

The owner of the dojo who lives in the house nearby doesn’t hear us; the neighbours on the other side of the street don’t hear us; the butcher, stumbling on the sidewalk, a bottle of sake in hand, doesn’t hear us. Hiro would say that we’re as loud as elephants, but to the unsuspecting villagers of Iya, we are like two yokai, passing through with a gust of wind, barely noticeable even with your eyes squinted.

Then she grabs my hand, and I have to refrain from squeezing it tighter. 

It’s just a thing she does.

We reach the drugstore two streets away from the dojo. Except for the snack dispenser, all the lights are off, there isn’t a single shop open past 7 here – it’s a change that took some getting used to; it’s inconvenient, but it’s more peaceful. There still isn’t a noise around, but she slows down and lets go of my hand, to carefully steps in the grass on the side of the street. I smirk. Elephant.

It’s a bit show-offish, I have to admit, but I crouch slightly in that pose Goemon-sensei taught me, and silently make my way down the dirt road covered with gravel. None of them stir.

She sticks her tongue out at me.

“Show off,” she whispers.

///

She’s practically gliding on the ground, and not even a single twig or gravel makes a sound under her feet. And she’s wearing fucking bamboo flip-flops. I’ve seen her do this stuff, and it baffles me every time. I stick my tongue at her, and she replies with a haughty smirk. I can’t help but smile in return. Asshole. I can do cool stuff too.

“Watch and learn,” I whisper I crouch down in front of the snack dispenser. I slide my arm inside the machine and find the trapdoor. Just a few seconds of fiddling and tapping on the glass with my other hand, and it gives way, letting me grab two bottles of ramune. I hand her one with a smile full of pride.

“Tadaaaa.”

“Thanks,” she chuckles and takes the freezing bottle. She stuffs it in her kimono then walks around the machine.

“I’ll help you up.”

She’s holding out a hand. Just for that, I scoff.

“I can climb by myself.”

“With these little legs?”

“Fuck you.”

I jump up and grab the top of the dispenser, then pull myself upwards, bumping my knees against the cheap plastic in the process. A few seconds later, I’m squatting on top of the machine, smirking down at her.

“Want help, Naomi-kun?”

She doesn’t even bother answering. In one swift motion, she hooks her hands on the top of the dispenser, one foot on the wall next to it, and just like that she’s standing next to me.

“No thanks,” she replies, and I want to punch her in the arm.

She barely spares a glance at me and climbs onto the roof of the shop, easily accessible from the snack machine, and I follow.

From there, we have a good view on the surroundings. It’s not the tallest building in the village, but it’s on the foothills of the mountain, so it’s above the rest. The streets below us are dimly lit by a few weak street lamps, one of the rare things with the dispenser and the neon lights of the kombini on the edge of town to attest that we’re not living in the middle of the goddamn Edo period.

Naomi is standing straight next to me, eyes fixed above the mountain line, a hand casually resting on the hilt of her katana. 

Fuck, she’s pretty.

///

From there, we have a good view on the night sky. Another change from my homeland of Canada, and not one I regret: here in the mountains, there is little to no light pollution, and you can actually see the stars. That’s why Kanako pulled me along onto this rooftop – that, and the thrill of freedom we feel from sneaking around at night when everyone is sleeping. It feels like we’re the only ones in the world. Like we see and know something others will never understand. I have always felt like that to some degree, but the feeling is overwhelming here.

Overwhelming peace.

There is a pair of eyes on me. I tear mine away from the horizon and turn to Kanako, and she turns away.

“Here, we can sit on this,” she declares as she throws her jacket at me. I catch it and unfold it. 

“It’s… really small,” I comment. I don’t mind sitting on the concrete roof, it’s not that cold in the middle of June. I don’t mind sitting close to her either, but… she would.

“We can huddle,” she shrugs. 

Alright then.

I lay the coat down next to the wall and sit down, taking as little space as possible. She joins me, and the coat is definitely too small, as expected.

“I can move, you know.”

She frowns and tugs on my sleeve, pulling me closer.

“I don’t want it to be my fault if you catch a cold. For all I know, Ishikawa-san might hold me responsible if you can’t practice.”

“He’ll still make me practice even if I’m catch the plague, and you know it. And you’re the one who brought me out here.”

“Oh, shush.”

She’s more sensitive to the cold than I am, I suddenly remember. What is to me a warm summer evening is probably a chilly night to her. 

She scoots closer to me, and I blame the thrill down my spine on the temperature. She’s right. It’s chilly after all. Better stay close.

///

The stars finish coming out one by one as we sit on the cold concrete, leaning against the wall and chatting about everything and nothing. They twinkle in the sky, not all stark white like most people believe, but hundreds of nuances of yellow, blue, pink… I’ve never bothered looking at the night sky before I met her, but she taught me see it differently. She wasn’t used to seeing it, back in Toronto. The look on her face every time she looks up at the night sky is priceless. 

Even now, I’m not looking at the sky.

Okay, now I’m looking at the sky, because she somehow noticed and I had to turn around. It’s for the best, really. We’re here to stargaze, not Naomi-gaze, dammit. And the stars are almost as pretty as her.

Urgh. Here we go again.

If Hiro were here, he’d slap me on the back of the head. No. He’d look at me all disappointed, and sigh, and say nothing. And I’d read in his eyes how much of a dumbass he thinks I am. But it’s not that easy, dammit! It takes time! I’ve only just come to terms with the fact that I’m…

That I’m not…

Whatever.

It’s easy for him, but I’m not like that. I don’t know how to do this. And anyways, I don’t even know if she is…

Aw, fuck. Just shut up and look at the damn stars.

///

She had grown quiet, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s fallen asleep. She feels heavy, leaning against my arm like this, but I don’t mind. It’s a comforting weight. This the closest I’ll ever get to being close to her. And I don’t mind.

I don’t mind.

I don’t mind that she’s into men, I don’t mind that I’m not one, I don’t mind that her burgeoning feelings for me disappeared within two days of knowing me, I don’t mind that mine bloomed like a whole garden at hanami, I don’t mind that her smile makes my heart leap in my chest, that her anger makes me feel a rush of pride and protectiveness, that her schemes and mischief pull me in every time, that her voice, her eyes, the touch of her skin send shivers down my spine, I don’t mind any of that. Because if I mind, I won’t be able to be around her anymore. And I can’t lose that.

Take a deep breath. The night air smells of cherries and kakis and the crisp smell of the pine trees on the mountain. It’s warm and feels my lungs with a soft caress. Like the one of Kanako’s hand on mine.

Kanako’s hand on mine.

She has huddled herself closer to me and slipped her fingers between mine, and I don’t know if it burns or if it’s the softest thing I’ve ever felt. Both, I think as she softly rubs circles into my skin with her thumb. I don’t really decide to inch closer against her, I just… do.

She really must be cold.

///

I’m not scared, and Hiro is wrong. And the frantic beating of my heart as I tangle my fingers with hers is just… well, my heart. That’s what a heart’s supposed to do, beating. And it’s just a hand, it doesn’t mean anything. For me or for her. I’m only testing the water, taking little steps towards something I’m not even sure I want. 

Do I want this?

She huddles closer and yes, yes I want this. I want it so badly it’s almost scary. Almost. I’m not scared! Not of a teenage crush, not of holding someone’s hand on a rooftop under the stars! Not of rejection, and certainly not of acceptance!

I’m not scared as I let my head rest on her shoulder. 

I’m not scared as she shifts her hand to hold mine better.

I’m not.

///

I should not get my hopes up. I know this will lead nowhere. But I can still enjoy a moment of almost having what I want, can’t I? The stars are shining and the air smells of sweet flowers and Kanako is holding my hand.

I can’t get my hopes up. A hand is just a hand, it doesn’t mean anything. Even if this looks like tentative teenage flirting. It’s not. It’s not it’s not it’s not…

I sigh softly and pass an arm around her shoulders when she leans into me.

It’s not.

///

She wraps her arm around me and suddenly it’s as if a wave of warmth washes over me. Nothing can hurt me, not when she’s here, I feel it in every bone of my body. The small part of me that hates feeling trapped cowers deep down inside my chest, forgotten. I barely have the ability to be surprised about it, all my attention is taken by her, and her arms, and her smell, and her hand on my shoulder, and her hand in my hand, and-

I try to pull a rational thought out of the whirlpool of my feelings. She isn’t pushing me away. That has to mean something, right?

If I don’t do it now, I’ll never have the courage again.

///

She is curled up in my arms. That is something that never happens, not with her. Either she is really, very cold, or somehow the tiny, fleeting flame of hope in my chest has been right all along. But that’s not possible. I know that.

“Naomi?” asks her soft voice, making my chest vibrate.

“Hmm?”

///

I’m not scared, I repeat to myself as I look up at her.

“Naomi?”

She hums quizzically in response. Her dark eyes are so close to mine, I can’t look away, it’s like I’m trapped, and somehow I don’t hate it. 

I try to find the words to say. To ask. None come. My head is empty, and there is only the pounding in my chest, and the fear, and her lips. So close. So far.

///

She’s not going to kiss me. Shut up. If I believe that then I might kiss her myself and I can’t do that. I can’t do that. 

I only now notice that the honorific has disappeared from my name. 

Kanako what are you doing?

///

I close my eyes and the distance that separates us

///

She closes the distance that separates us, and suddenly

///

and suddenly my lips are on hers 

///

her mouth is on mine and time freezes completely

///

and I’m not scared anymore. Because it feels like it should. Like two perfect puzzle pieces and fuck how can it feel this good? 

///

because she is kissing me

She is kissing me

I cannot feel anything else because nothing else exists and my heart is exploding and it’s the most delicious thing I’ve ever felt

///

Eternity is broken when I pull away and the seconds catch up with me again. I can feel her breath on my lips, the rise and fall of her chest as she holds me close. Her hand in on my cheek, I’m not sure how it got there but I don’t want it to leave. 

///

I didn’t know I could feel so much joy as I do now. It’s bubbling up in my chest and rising like a million butterflies, and there’s the widest smile on my lips when I kiss her again. This time it isn’t a surprised answer to unexpected affection. And it isn’t a tentative, anxious first kiss anymore either, oh God – that’s all I can think as her lips part and move hungrily against mine and there’s a hand on my neck and I can’t hold back a moan of pleasure as I open my mouth and take her in. She wants me; that’s the most beautiful gift she could ever give me, and I’ll take all of it.

///

I don’t know what to say, and I don’t need to say anything. She kisses me back, and that is the only answer I need. It’s a yes to all the questions I’ve never dared to ask. The noise she makes when my tongue slips into her mouth shoots straight though my heart and God I want more. I’m the one making her do that, and it goes up to my head like a spirit, so I get bolder. It’s hot and hungry and new, I wish I didn’t feel like a yearning and inexperienced teenager but that’s what I am. I can’t hold my hands off her, and-

///

Suddenly my elbows meet the concrete roof, and I take in a hitched breath. Her hands slip off me, she staggers, eyes wide. Her cheeks are flushed pink, the sight of her face so flustered pulls an endeared smile on my lips.

///

“Oh shit, I’m sorry…”

The words burst out of me when the cold air replace her touch and I realise what just happened. I’m all hot and embarrassed, I can practically feel the blush creeping up my face. It feels stupid, I want to hide.

Her chuckles sound like the trills of a bell.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.”

I have to look away, because her smile is making me flustered and I can’t stand it. I hate that I can’t hate her for doing this to me.

///

We stay in silence for a few seconds, neither of us daring to move. The rush of joy is still making me feel hazy, but my head is already starting to fill with questions that I don’t want to ask.

Except one of us is going to have to break the silence.

“I thought… you were straight?”

She barely meets my gaze for a second, before turning away again.

“I don’t…” 

She looks worried. Scared, even. I want to hold her in my arms, pull her close and tell her that everything’s alright. 

“I don’t know that I’m not,” she finishes. “I don’t know…” 

She looks at me, finally.

“But I know that I like you.”

It’s almost apologetic, the way she says it; it breaks my heart a little. I reach a hand up to stroke her cheek.

“I like you too.”

“Shit, I hadn’t noticed!”

///

I pull myself up, sit in a more civilised manner on the tiny jacket on the roof, and she joins me. She’s still beaming like a child at Christmas, and she’s looking at me like she’s never seen someone so beautiful. It’s a strange feeling to have someone look at me like that. I don’t understand it. But now that I think about it, I’m probably looking at her the same way. …No, I’m not. I’m probably looking like a scared kid worried someone will find out the mistake she’s just done.

“Please… don’t tell my parents,” I mutter, almost too low for her to hear me.

She takes my hand with both of hers, forcing me to look at her. I don’t want to look like a miserable scared teen, goddammit.

“I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want.”

Dammit, why does she have to be so perfect?

“…Do you want to tell Hiro?” she adds after a second of reflection.

I can’t help but chuckle.

“Oh Hiro already knows.”

Her face goes from careful worry to confusion for a second, and I’m about to explain that I meant he knows about my feelings for her, always has even before I did-

“Oooh. Makes sense.”

I laugh some more, because at this point that’s all I can do, nervous laughter or staring dreamily at her face like some sort of lovesick creep. Crap, I’m gonna have to face Hiro and his told you so face. 

///

That was a lie, I love her. But that’s something for later. I know her, she’s not ready for that yet. Not with everything she must have gone through to do what she just did.

I love her.

I love her so much.

///

We’re sitting on a rooftop in a tiny village lost in the mountains in Honshu, Japan, huddled in each other’s arms, alone in the world under the stars. I’ve never felt so scared and at peace at the same time before.

Shit, I love her. I love her so much.