Everything Is Blue

Kimbra never wanted anything in her life like she wanted him now. He was obvious about it. Obvious about the fact, she wanted him to press his mouth against hers. Obvious that she wanted to be the only one that occupied his mind. To have his arms around her waist, him whispering soft words into her ear. Make her feel like she's the only one who ever mattered to him.

Is that so much to ask?

Kimbra covered her mouth with both hands, in disbelief of what her mind was saying.

Oh god, what was he going to think of her now? Ugh…I shouldn't think that or, heaven forbid, say it out loud.

She felt tortured by the jittery feeling in her stomach. How he stood a little too close, yet not nearly close enough.

Am I a mess or what?

He's just your sponsor. 

You know he's a hell of a lot more to you than just a sponsor.

It felt wrong not to tell him. The signs were there long before anyone started paying attention to them. 

But the timing was all wrong.

Dammit, he deserved to know. She deserved to get this weight off her chest.

So, what did she have to lose? Her dignity, maybe.

Regardless of how she felt towards Bud, she attempted to keep their relationship strictly professional. It doesn’t matter what I want. This project is more important.

“Are we really going to this thing together?” Bud suddenly called out from the living room, waiting for her.

The so-called 'thing' was a small dinner party hosted by the city for business owners. Dr. Ainsley, as always, made her go in his place. His excuse this time was that he had a cold. She didn't mind suffering for her boss. He'd been bored to death at the event. Asking Bud to go with her made her feel less anxious about having to socially interact with a crowd. Having someone close by she knew would be comforting.

“Yeah.” Kimbra responded, looking through her clothes, trying to find something to wear. 

“Alright.” If he was happy about her response, he certainly didn't let it show in his voice.

He doesn't want to go with you.

She began to regret asking him to come with her. The entire night, she'll either be aggravated due to his antics or flustered because she loves him and hasn't admitted it out loud yet.

An overly complicated and stressful situation.

Once Kimbra pulled two dark purple dresses out of the closet, she called out to Bud. “Come here.” 

A silent beat. She almost didn't think he'd answer. Or that he had left.

“Why?”

“I need your opinion on something.”

His heavy footsteps echoed down the hall and into the bedroom. Kimbra tried not to smile as she heard a small huff escape his mouth. 

Men. 

She gave a broad gesture to her dress of choice. “This one?” Then she held the other garment against her chest. “Or this one?”

The hound frowned. “They're the same color.”

“No they aren't.”

“They are .”

She gave him a pointed look and held the right one up. “This one is darker!”

“I think you're blind.”

“No, I think you're the blind one here.”

Unable to remain still for very long, Bud shifted his weight and crossed his arms. “The first one, then.”

“Really?” Her tone was doubtful. 

“Yes.”

Kimbra scrunched her nose up at him, unhappy with the response. “I'll wear the other one.”

“Why did you even ask for my opinion, then?”

“I needed input.” 

Bud threw his head back and loudly groaned. “Do I really have to go with you?”

“Yes.”

“Couldn't you have gone with someone else?”

Kimbra thought for a moment as she hung the other dress back into the closet. “Well, Jackson from Research and Development asked me…”

“Why didn't you take him up on it?”

Because he wasn't you.

Kimbra only offered a small shrug in reply as she shut the closet door.

She hadn't actually considered going with Jackson. Or anyone for that matter. But still. It's nice to be asked.

With a quick wave of her hand, she shooed the water salesman out the door. “Thanks, now get out.”

“What? I don't get to help with the fun part?”

He's only trying to make you mad because he thinks it's funny.

A frown. “ Bud. ”

“I'm going, I'm going.” Bud muttered before leaving the room, shutting the door behind him. 

Again, men. 

Slipping into the dress and adjusting herself came easy to Kimbra. One thing she had forgotten, the zipper on the back. It's why she never wore this dress before. She's never had anyone to zip it up for her. She tried to herself, but only struggled and almost pulled her arm out of place. With a huff, she threw her arms down at her sides.

Shit. She couldn't zip it herself. She looked around the bedroom for something to help her, but found nothing. Asking Bud was out of the question. Her brain exploded in a flurry of panic, she wanted to avoid being late and tarnishing EcoTech's image.

Ask Bud to help you.

He might not mind. They're friends, after all. And she didn't really have any other choice.

“Bud?”

Silence. 

“…yeah?”

“Can you come here?”

“I'm not picking out your shoes just so you can go with another pair.”

“No, I need your help.”

The bedroom door opened, and Kimbra turned her back to the other canine. “Can you zip me?”

“Dunno if I can help putting it on, but I know how to take it off.” He mentioned, with a look.

Kimbra rolled her eyes. Of course, he knew how to take it off. 

He just likes making you mad. Don't play into it.

“I just need help with zipping it up.”

Bud stepped into the room and stood behind her, leaning over her shoulder. His voice softened, as if he were asking something he shouldn't. “Again, do you need help taking it off because I can—”

How chivalrous.

“ Bud. ”

He muttered something about her being uptight and zipped up her dress. The process took him no time at all. His hand touched her bare shoulder.

There went her heart again, beating way too fast. God help her if it was loud enough for Bud to hear. The teasing would only worsen if he knew what he did to her.

Kimbra thanked him, but scolded him for the inappropriate remark. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I'm a guy .”

“I'm a guy,” she taunted back, mimicking his voice. It was cruel, but Kimbra couldn’t resist. “More like a shameless brute.”

I still wanna kiss you, though.

“A fairly handsome brute.”

Kimbra pushed his hands away, his widening smirk indicating how much he’s enjoying this. She caught a glimpse of them together in the mirror. His tall stature and her small figure, so close to one another. 

And she wondered what they could have been.

***

The two of them only ever wanted one thing from this. Kimbra wanted a sponsor to help fund her project. Bud wanted a project to sponsor that made him look good. Something that'd pull his company from the brink of bankruptcy. She couldn't pretend it was anything more than that. 

As Bud helped her up her stairs to the banquet hall they have been to so many times before, she wondered if she'd be able to make a good impression on the attendees.

Not that I care about these things.

Kimbra knew that she was an excellent scientist. She didn't need to attend parties to have her ego stroked. She didn't need the awards or the compliments. Unfortunately, succeeding in this line of work meant you had to make sacrifices and actually attend events. Another one would be in December, and Dr. Ainsley also asked her to take his place for that as well.

As soon as the pair stepped through the grand doors, an overly cheery Afghan hound with long black hair greeted them. “Hi, welcome to the St. Canard Fall Conference. My name is Nancy, if you two need anything.”

“Thank you, Nancy.” Bud sounded considerably happier than he had before. So cheerful, it sounded like he was faking it.

“Thank you, Nancy.” Kimbra (still holding on to Bud's arm) mocked him in an overly sugary sweet tone as soon as Nancy walked off. 

He cast her a sideways glance. “Shut it, Wulfe.”

Kimbra only smiled in response.

They walked further into the hall, finally making it into the main room. The glittering light of the crystal chandeliers that hung from the ceiling distracted her momentarily from the growing crowd.

“You know, you never told me how that marathon back in the summer went.”

Kimbra had offered the chance for Bud to be the water supplier for the annual charity marathon. Barksdale had to drop out and the city needed someone to step in. It was a paid offer, and a chance for Bud to advertise his product. 

He shrugged. “I don't know, I just sent some of my employees to handle it for me.”

“You're so lazy.”

“It was hot, and I had business to attend to.”

“Lazy.”

“Kimbra, I have better things to do than bother with a bunch of sweaty runners.” Under his breath, he added, “besides, it was hot that day.”

“Buddy!” From behind them, a tall raccoon in a black pinstripe suit approached them with a big smile. 

Kimbra quickly let go of Bud's arm, as if she was caught doing something wrong. 

“Sammy!” Bud called out, holding his arms out as a greeting. That man didn’t believe in using an indoor voice. He liked to be loud. To be noticed.

“The hell ya doin' here, man? I ain't ever seen ya at one of these.”

“Ah, you know. Gotta keep the business going somehow.” They hugged, and Bud continued. “You never come to these either, why tonight?”

The large Italian pointed his thumb behind him to a group of men. “Me and the boys had nothin' better to do, so we thought, ey? Why not go down and see if we can kill a few hours?”

Kimbra peeked behind the duo, curious to who the 'boys' were. A tall older lion whose expression clearly said he didn't want to be here. She recognized the gray hyena beside him, Andy Stryker. He was St. Canard's director of public works. Dr. Ainsley liked to tease the poor man and get him worked up. Andy was on what looked like a long ramble of some sort, which irritated the lion further.

“Who's your friend, Buddy?”

Oh geez, that's me. Kimbra tensed up. 

“Kimbra,” Bud took her hand, and led her over to the raccoon. “This is Samuel DeTelli, owner of the Aballava Casino.”

“And your best friend.”

Bud laughed, “and my best friend.”

Samuel gently shook her hand, giving her a warm, charming smile. “So you're the lovely Kimbra our dear Buddy has been talking all about.”

“I uh…yeah, I am.”

The sound of an older man going off on someone interrupted them. A quick glance and sure enough, the lion was yelling at Andy. Andy didn't even seem to mind because he just kept talking.

Mr. DeTelli sighed at the display. “I better get Andy away from Silas before he ends up getting himself killed with all that nonsense talk. See you later.”

“Bye Sammy.” Bud shook his hand goodbye, and his friend departed to break up the other two men.

Kimbra moved closer to Bud's side. “Your friends are nice.” 

“They're all assholes.”

A smirk. “You fit in well, then.”

“I heard that, Flud.” Ray Eilberg, the state senator, slapped Bud on the shoulder as he walked past before joining DeTelli and the others.

Holy shit.

Kimbra grabbed Bud's arm, pulling him close to her. “You didn't tell me you were friends with the state senator!”

“You didn't ask!”

She let go of his arm. “Oh yeah, sure. Because the first thing you ask someone is if they're close with any politicians.”

“It's what I do.”

“You do not.”

Bud moved behind her as he looked for some poor soul to bore with his water bottling talk. “I'm gonna go network like what we should be doing.” His hands rested heavily on her hips. “Maybe you should try it sometime.”

Kimbra hated how touchy he was tonight. She liked it, but it made keeping her feelings for him a secret much harder. “I can totally do that.”

“You can't.” She felt his breath against her neck. 

“I can. I'm fantastic at it.”

“If you say so.” He removed his hands, and began to walk off.

“Bud.” She turned around, leaned forward, and stopped him with a hand on his wrist. “Don't embarrass me in front of anyone.”

That surprised him. “ Me ? Embarrass you ?”

“Yes.”

“Princess, I wouldn't think of it.” A smile. It made the tips of her fingers tingle.

She let go of his wrist, too flustered by the pet name to reply. Once again the urge to confess her feelings for him rose. 

But...that would have to wait for another time.

Moments later, Kimbra stood at the edge of the room, sipping on a glass of champagne by herself. Bud was nowhere to be seen, as expected. He disappeared, off to socialize with any pretty face that'd look his way. Or brag about himself. 

Apparently he needed to work on his reputation. Hoping that if he talked long enough and said the right things, he could fix whatever mess he had gotten himself into. The mess that he was using the C.O.R.E project to mend. Kimbra knew the only reason that Bud ever offered to sponsor her was for his own gain. 

Something in his stride exuded way too much confidence. 

You seem like you know what you’re doing. Wish I could say the same for myself.

Eventually, Bud joined her side again, a glass of wine in one hand and a small shrimp in the other. 

"What are you doing?" Kimba asked, sounding bored. 

"Rounding up celebrities for my next commercial." He popped the shrimp in his mouth.

Of course. She should've known Bud was up to something. It's his brand. The brand that he portrayed for the media, the one that sold bottled water and lies.

"The guy who does the Big John's Used Cars commercials is not a celebrity."

"You wouldn't know what a celebrity is."

"Brice Cawson is one."

"No one likes Brice Cawson." His hatred towards the musician made her snort.

"I do."

"His music sucks."

"Arctic Records sales beg to differ."

Bud's jaw clenched, and then unclenched. "I don't want to talk about Arctic Records." It was such an uncharacteristically carefully worded answer. 

Kimbra wanted to ask why, but the somber expression on his face told her not to. His gaze locked somewhere outside the hall window. So she dropped it. And moved her attention to a familiar face that walked through the door.

“Trisha! Oh, you have no idea how happy I am to see you!” Kimbra gave Bud her glass and jumped the duck, giving her a massive hug. 

It startled her, as all she saw was a white blur of fluff headed her way.

Trisha looked over the white dog's shoulder and raised her eyebrows. “And what's water boy doing here?”

“I invited him.” Kimbra let go and smiled, happy she knew someone else here. It made her feel less alone. Especially since she convinced herself Bud felt obligated to come with her.

He’d probably rather be anywhere else than here with you.

“Why the hell would you invite him, of all people?”

“I felt sorry for him.” A lie.

Kimbra dragged her over to Bud, who somehow ended up by the balcony, the glasses now absent from his hands. “Bud, this is my friend Trisha.”

Trisha only glared at the black-haired hound. He shifted uncomfortably and looked to Kimbra for help.

“This is my…friend, Bud, the sleazy businessman.” Kimbra introduced him, hoping to ease the tension. It didn't help.

“An honest businessman.” Bud said, gently correcting her.

Of course, he was everything but honest.

Kimbra knew Bud was a slimy businessman. So, she stood by her comment, but made a compromise. “An honest sleazy businessman.”

“What if we just leave out the sleazy part?”

“No.”

“Fair enough.”

“Trisha, was it? A pleasure.” Bud held out his hand to shake.

Trisha only stared at it, then back to his face. Her eyebrows raised. Bud grimaced and set his hand back down at his side.

He excused himself, mostly to get away from the bird. “I have to go talk to Sammy about a work thing, if you don't mind. Pleasure meeting you, Trisha.”

Without thinking, Kimbra raised a hand and gently touched it to his face. “Again...try not to embarrass me, okay?” The words come out softly, her gentleness towards Bud feeling foreign to him. 

Bud opened his mouth to reply, their eyes met, and something warm and new began to spread through the both of them.

It quickly evaporated once someone else opened their big mouth.

“Mr. Flud?” Asked one of the women who’d been eyeing him all night. “Would you care to tell us about your business again? We find it absolutely fascinating.”

Kimbra wanted to rip her ears off, so she didn't have to listen to this. He deals in water. Water. There's nothing interesting about bottled water, except for all the plastic waste it creates.

But Bud adored the attention. “Of course, Ms. Howell, I'd be delighted.”

Then he only gave Kimbra a passing glance and smiled at Trisha. “Excuse me for a moment.”

Bud and Ms. Howell disappeared into the crowd. That left the scientist standing alone with her old friend. For a moment. Kimbra thought he had felt something too. She thought, somewhere deep down, there was a slim chance he felt the same way for her.

Not that it mattered. 

But she wasn’t going to panic. Bud would come back, he always did. He wasn't going to abandon her at a party that she invited him to. That he drove her to. The small connection could return, and she might nab a chance at finally pouring her heart to him.

Again, not that it mattered.

“You're so in love with him.” Trisha broke Kimbra's thoughts with a grin. 

“Shut up.”

“It's so painfully obvious.”

“No it's not.” Though it was obviously a lie.

“I can't believe he doesn't realize it.”

Kimbra wished she would stop. “Trish.”

“I have never seen you look at anyone like that before, like you're—”

“Trisha!”

“What?”

She lowered her voice, the words coming out if they pained her. “I can't talk about this. Not right now.”

It’s been too long of a day for this.

The duck caught the hint, and gave an apologetic look. “I'll go get us some wine or something.”

Kimbra watched her friend move across the room to find a server. Her eyes glimpsed across the hall, watching the guest chat and laugh with one another. Silas and Andy laughed with each other, not on the brink of creating a messy crime scene. And then there was Bud, putting the moves on the cute little hound from earlier, Nancy? Yeah, her name was Nancy. Overly cheery Nancy. Perfect little Nancy.

Oh. Of course. Because, of course, he'd do such a thing.

Kimbra knew just how charming Bud could be. 

She let out a frustrated breath as she continued to watch Bud woo his way into another woman's arms. It was as if she were grieving for something she never really had. 

Maybe I shouldn't be watching this.

She knew it was none of her business. That she had no right to be hurt. They weren't dating, and Kimbra hadn't told him her feelings yet. He was free to talk and flirt with whoever he wanted.

But that didn't make it hurt any less.

Or maybe it's payback for the whole Ross Spector thing. 

No, it's not. Because Bud doesn't like you like that.

It had been painfully clear who he was interested in at the party. How he kept passing glances at the woman and smiling at her. Forgetting who he was supposed to be there with. He'd walked off with the girl right in front of her.

Just as she was about to tell him.

That felt like a slap in the face.

It was hopeless after all.

Kimbra was left standing there with a cloud of devastation towering over her. He'd talked to thirteen women tonight. Not that she particularly cared or was keeping track (except she kind of was). She just found it funny he came here with her, yet ignored her all evening.

Their relationship has changed. For better or for worse, it had changed. She had these weird new feelings for him. And he had stopped paying any mind to her.

She wondered what was wrong with her. 

You're acting like a teenage girl. You can't always get what you want. Hold your head up high, grow up, and move on.

Kimbra took a deep breath to compose herself. 

Saying that she wishes she never met him would be a lie. Well, it's not a lie, not exactly. Never meeting Bud 'freaking' Flud would have made her life a lot easier. But she was done worrying about it. 

Maybe it's for the best that they didn't get together.

There are a million reasons why we shouldn't be together.

***

Kimbra numbly laid down in the bed, not wanting to bother with her dress. The party wasn't that great. Not that she had expected anything in the first place. 

What a disaster.

Maybe it was the late night. Maybe it was the fact she drank a little more than she should and had to catch a ride with Trisha. Trish, who asked her a million questions on why Kimbra, was acting weird. 

Possibly it was because she hadn't felt this way before.

Kimbra sat up in bed, and looked out the window into the twinkling city skyline. She walked over and opened the window, letting in the chilly November air. The sound of car horns and traffic poured into the room. A few night dwellers were out. Loudly laughing as they emerged from the bar on the corner. College students complained about their final exams as they headed back to their dorms from the public library.

How rare and beautiful it was to even exist. 

Hundreds of people, each on their own path, crossing by one another. Some only once, and never again in this lifetime.

How rare and beautiful.

And Kimbra thought of Bud and the way their paths had crossed. He was a man of business. Profit. He wasn't concerned about helping others or the environment. Not only that, but he cared about his company and making a living more than anything. 

Kimbra was a woman of science. Intelligence. She cared about helping others and the environment. She cared about the people and nature more than anything.

Worlds apart.

Despite their completely different lives, the two had crossed paths. Connected.

How rare and beautiful it was.

She wanted to be with him, but he didn't want her. Why should he? All she ever did was be mean to him and insult his business. Constantly criticize him. Make fun of him. Aggregate him. 

She just wanted to be close to him.

If he wanted her, he’d have taken her by now. No use dwelling on it. Any chance she might have was ruined by her stubbornness and habit of holding a grudge.

Screw. That. 

Kimbra stood under the shower until the water went cold. It always made her feel better. Just stand there and wallow in her feelings. Least until she had to get out and ready herself for another day at work. 

A sense of loneliness soon crept in. Maybe she was being selfish. Bud didn't owe her anything. She's never told him how she felt. This was all new to her. He doesn't own, oh god , he doesn't know.

He doesn't know.

Admitting how she felt for the dark-eyed salesman was a bad idea anyway. And she’d tried to deny it. She tried over and over again. He wasn't someone Kimbra wanted to work with for the next seven months. Everything she was against, he stood for. But her stupid heart had to go grow soft and fall for the man. It just had to slowly fall for him over the past six months. Admitting it to him could either be the best (or the worst) decision of her life.

Yet again, here she was, choosing her reputation over passion.

She wanted him desperately. 

I wonder if he's even bothered to check his phone. I left him a voicemail about Ainsley wanting to see him. Probably not. Not if it's only you. You're just some dimwitted scientist whose project he sponsored. He doesn't like you. He tolerates you. 

The tiny voice in her head just wouldn't leave her alone. It ate at all of her insecurities. Devoured them and spat them back up and made them even more disgusting.

She’d never be worthy of someone caring for her. Of someone loving her.

And it broke her heart into a million pieces

***

Dr. Wulfe had accepted that she would remain alone. 

It was fine, really. Kimbra got used to the idea of people leaving her, dying, betraying her, and so forth. The idea that Bud would do the same often crossed her mind. She could write a book about how he made her feel. Perhaps take up writing like her father did. Write a novel or two and make a name for herself and then drop off the face of the planet, never to write again.

Now is not the time for a midlife crisis.

The traffic on the way to work dampened her mood further. Half the city didn't know how to drive and those that did, drove below the speed limit.

And walking into EcoTech and immediately running into Bud Flud didn't help.

“Hey Kim,” a coffee in one hand and a folder in the other. He seemed more cheery today. 

She brushed past him, heading towards one of the staircases up to the hallway. “I see you remembered me this time.”

“What?” He followed her, not understanding what she meant.

He caught up with her in front of the elevator. She clicked the up button, crossing her arms and tapping her foot impatiently. “The party? Remember?”

His expression quickly turned to one of guilt.  “Yeah, about that…”

She held up a hand. “I won't pry into your… personal life, but you can't just run off and leave me. You didn't even bother asking me if I had a ride home or let me know you were leaving!”

“Kimbra, listen—”

The silence was finally broken by five words from Kimbra's mouth.

“I really can't believe you.”

“What?”

“You left me all alone to go run off with that Nancy lady.”

It made her ache with jealousy. She hated to admit it. That she was jealous. It felt immature and pathetic. 

Bud paused as a pained look crossed his face. “Sorry, I guess I forgot…she was interested in investing in my company and I just forgot…”

“About me?”

“Yeah.”

“It's fine, just don't do it again.” Kimbra jabbed him in the side with a finger. “I looked dumb standing out there all by myself.”

She wondered, at that moment, if he saw through her. That her aggravation towards being left alone was one of jealousy. He didn't seem to, as he only gave her that dorky smile of his and vowed not to leave her all alone like that again. Then he made a snarky comment about her being obsessed with him, that caused her to roll her eyes.

It was the same as before. Bud not taking things seriously. Not realizing there was more to it. How could he not have known? There had to be some hint he could have picked up on. All the times she blushed and looked away. Her asking him to go with her in the first place. And dozens more.

I thought there was beginning to be something between us.

How wrong she had been.

Now, she didn't get him at all. Bud first came off flirty and interested when they met. He was obviously attracted to her. Then there was all the playful flirting and teasing. It had to be nothing. 

Anything he saw in her now was strictly professional.

Oh well, she couldn't just stand here wallowing in her feelings. She had work to do. A project to finish. A job to move on from. Packing to do. A state to move back to and family to reunite with. 

And a sleazy water salesman to forget.