Interview with a Soother

Our father left us... My father, I mean. He wasn’t Oberon’s and that’s fine. He left before Oberon actually. So it’s fine. I’m fine really! I know my assurances don’t do much to prove my point, but I’m only trying to tell you my story. That story starts with me realizing my father left. I was 7, a cool fall day. Told me to be good until my mama came back from her meeting. She went to a lot of meetings. I mean she was a Medium, so it makes sense. That’s how you do the job. Meetings.

“Be good,” he said.

I thought that was weird because I thought I was always good. I slept a lot and daydreamed. Played with my dolls, but I was quiet and did as I was told... But, maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought because... Why else would he leave?

Anyway, that can’t be... important.

Hah.

Um, where was I?

Oh, yes!

So, after my dad left I had to step up to take care of the home a lot more. I made sure mama had dinner when she got home, and that I cleaned up after myself. So she didn't have to worry about anything. I couldn't do everything when I was very young but she didn't seem to mind. 

I got to sleep more, oddly enough, since my dad usually interrupted my naps to make me run and play outside, I don't know why he was so obsessed with me playing /shrugs/

I'm fine and pretty healthy I think. I mean I don't have anything majorly wrong with me, a few stomach issues and I get headaches a lot, but really who doesn't nowadays.

I'm... I'm off topic again I think.

I was talking about how it was after Dad left right?

When I was like... 9, I think, mama started bringing clients to the house instead of having her meetings at the store. I think the store might have gone under or kicked her out... or something. Not sure really, mama didn't really talk about work with me, but I did get to learn more about it, her job I mean, now that she worked from home.

She wanted me to stay out of the way since I have a habit of sending strangers to sleep on accident. I don't mean to but I can't really control it, which is why I didn't go to school. Like a real school. Dad made me do lessons and mama set me up with an online course thing later, but when I was younger the teachers at the real school said I wouldn't be allowed unless I could control the dusts. It was a small school and didn't have the resources to have someone train me. I guess. I don't really know for sure, that's just what my mama would rant about when I asked.

Oh yea, so I hid in my nap spots and watched my mama. When she was working I mean. I would go into my nap spots and watch her with her clients. I made sure to keep my leg wrapped up tight so it wouldn't leak dust on them.

I have nap spots all over the house. Most I'm the only one who knows them all. Though now I'm too big for most of them, sadly. They were so comfy and I miss them.

Oh, why? I used them to hide and nap when Dad had it out for me to play outside or do lessons and then used them when mama had clients over. I also used them to sneak my tail companion, Rosey, into them. Dad made me keep her outside because she shed a lot and I was, am... really allergic. But its silly! She's me and I am her. I wanted her with me! Still do. So I would sneak her into a spot and get to nap with her. But then I would get in trouble because he would know, since I was all red-eyed and sneezy. I just don't understand why he was so opposed to her being in the house. 

Ah well, she is allowed in now! mama doesn't care and as long as I clean up her fur it doesn't bother my allergies too much. She's a good girl you know? And she's always been there for me. 

Oh yes. The thing... That was... not something Rosey was there for, actually. And it was... Do you really want me to go in detail?

*sigh*

Ok.

So, it was a few days after Dad had left and mama was gone. And I had gone off looking for mushrooms because I liked to cook them and Dad had taught me which were good to eat. I also liked to find the not good to eat ones too oh! And the special ones that people will spend a lot of money on. You know the round dark ones… n-not the… you know *special* special ones. Though I've found those too, though Dad didn't teach me about those. I guess maybe Dad taught me all the stuff he did and maybe he didn't let me sleep as much because he knew he was going to leave? And with mama being the way she was, he knew it'd be me doing a lot for us? 

Oh yes … sorry… I'll get back to *that*. Dad didn't teach me about that either. I didn't have any idea that something like that could be real. It was… I don't really want to describe it… I don't really want to remember it? 

I know… I'm sorry. I will, just please I'm sorry. *Deep shaky breath as she closes her eyes as she steadies herself.* 

I already had a basket full of mushrooms. All good to eat and some special ones mama could take into town with her and sell. I promise I'm not getting off topic again, just please… let me collect myself.

Thank you. I know I get off topic a lot but I'm trying… trying to just be able to put it into words. It was a lot you know and I was very small. It's not that I've forgotten. I don't think I could ever forget. It's just that it was… *so* much. I don't know if I can actually describe it so you can understand. But I'll try.

*She pauses for a second as she collects herself.* 

Actually, can you ask again? Like really ask? It helped before. I wouldn't usually talk about my dad like that. *Laughs* oh don't look so surprised. My mama works with people like you all the time. So I know you have, like, a thing or whatever.

Neat! Thank you. You're really nice, you know that? Super patient with me. Thank you. 

I was out with my basket of mushrooms. It was full and I should have started back but I could smell one of the special ones. It smelled like it was a big one with how strong it was. I was getting frustrated because I couldn't seem to pin it down so I sat under a tree to clear my nose and stay again. I had to make sure I wasn't just smelling the ones in my basket. 

Then I woke up. 

I don't even remember falling asleep but that's pretty normal for me. It's kind of a pain sometimes but I like sleeping so it's not that bad. I'd rather fall asleep and not know it then…

*Shakes her head* 

Sorry I'm trying to focus. Thank you, yes what happens next. I noticed that I must have been asleep for a while. It was dark and I knew Rosey was probably frantic with me being gone so long. I had locked her in the house to make sure nothing happened there while I and Mama were gone. I don't really know what time it was but I knew it was late. The moon was full though so it wasn't that dark. I couldn't smell the special mushroom any more so I guess something else has found it but really I didn't even care anymore because I just wanted to be home with Rosey and sleep in my own bed. 

The next thing I realized was that I wasn't… I wasn't under the same tree I had fallen asleep under. This one was big and dying there was nothing growing around it. There was a ring of dead decomposed grass, wider than twice I am tall now, all around the tree. And the trees that grew at the edge of the ring all seemed leaning away or also dead and rotting. 

This wasn't like anywhere I had been before. And I had no idea how to get home from here. I'd like to say I'm freaking out, crying or something, but I'm just standing there clutching my basket full of mushrooms to my chest. I closed my eyes trying to see if I could see Rosey and help her out of the house with my floaters because I left them home too. But… I couldn't see. I've never not been able to see before you know? 

I think that's when I started to feel scared. Like really scared. For the first time in my life I was really really alone. No one knew where I was. Not even me. And I had no idea what to do.

As I stood there frozen, a thick tall fog started to roll in around me. It reached up over the trees and all I could see was shadows of the closest trees. 

Without thinking, I backed up to the tree and leaned on it trying to… I don't know I think I was trying to get away from it. It didn't seem to pass the line of dead grass but that just might have been my range of… no it wasn't. The dead ring of grass acted like a barrier. I know it did but I don't know why.  And as the fog settled in thick at the edges swirling and moving distorting the shadows of the trees. Making it look like they were moving around. It… it almost looked like they were walking around like people. 

It didn't help that the more I watched them, the more the shadows actually looked like people. But I kept telling myself that there was no way that could be. I was in the woods, I saw the trees. I knew they were trees.

But then…. Then I heard the murmurs. Low quiet hurried whispering coming from the fog. It got more frantic as the movements did. Then it would subside like it was getting farther away and the moving would also calm. Before getting frantic and closer again. It seemed to move in long lines… much like, well I don't know this at the time, but much like how missing person search works I guess. 

I had the thought that they were looking for me. And as if in response to this thought, in the frantic murmurs it sounded like something was calling my name, but it wasn't clear enough for me to know for sure and never came close enough… 

I stayed by the tree. I didn’t like the tree or the circle of death that surrounded it. But I didn't like the fog and the weird shadows and whisperings more. My heart ached every time I heard the muffled and distorted sound I knew had to be it trying to call my name. I kept wanting to hope and believe that it really was my mother looking for me. But I knew if it was, she would have been alone. 

Alone.

It’s kind of how our family was: My father always did things alone. My mother left me alone. I stayed… Alone. 

This was the moment I knew my father was never coming back. It had only been like 4 days since he had left. So I guess part of me was holding out that he’d return. But it was sitting there lost in the woods surrounded by this fog. I knew, without a doubt he had left me *alone*.

I was only seven! We lived in the middle of nowhere and Mom was already gone, focused on herself and her work more than she had ever been focused on me. Why didn’t he take me with him? Why did I have to have the realization that I was Completely and Thoroughly alone in the world so early?

And I still couldn’t cry.

My mind was swirling like the mist and… and i still couldn’t cry. The lump in my throat *burned* and I needed it out but nothing came.

I noticed that while I was having my first existential crisis the fog had gotten braver around the edges, some tendrils flicked and swirled in among the dead grass and the shadows and sounds had… stopped. And when I say the shadows had stopped I mean they weren’t there at all. It was just a thick blank swirling mass that had started growing closer again.

I… I knew that it… that it wanted me to go into it. It was basically begging me to step into the  cold darkness of it and… disappear. It almost felt… comforting to be wanted that badly even if it was by something that terrified me. The thought that if I did disappear, that maybe my parents would both be… happier. 

I almost took a step towards it. 

I almost let myself be swallowed by the longing to be both wanted and non-existent. 

But I didn't. I couldn’t. Something kept me rooted in place. Almost as if the tree was holding me back. 

Sorry. It's hard to put this all into words. 

Yes I'm almost done. Just, once more, it's kind of addictive, this feeling of… having my story pulled from me, of being able to talk freely without my… thoughts getting in the way. Without second guessing my own memories. 

So of course the tree wasn't actually holding me back but touching it helped me feel rooted so I leaned against it more pressing myself against it so hard I felt the old dead bark leaving imprints in my skin. Then I fell back through the rotted wood so suddenly I lost my breath. I lay in the dark, termite dust and rot raining down on me as I lay gasping for breath. This caused my mouth to be filled with the gunk sending me nearly catatonic with panic. A new fear of being smothered and buried lost in this tree unable to ever be found came over me and all I could do was roll over coughing and spitting. More dirt and rot showered on my back as I spluttered, trying to get the taste of decay out of my mouth.