"If It's You..."

Kaname had been warning her for a straight week now that she would eventually find herself fainting from over work, so it came as barely any surprise to him to find Shirayuki collapsed on the steps leading up to the main entrance to the shrine. What did come as more of a surprise was how quickly he found himself bounding over to her and turning her over in his arms. He could tell from heat radiating from her body that she was weak with fever – after muttering “moron,” under his breath he carried her to the small room she called her own and laid her on the futon.

It was with an odd set of palpitations that he realized this was one of the few times he had ever actually touched Shirayuki through the years – every time he did touch her it always seemed like it was either because she was being an idiot and overworking or she was being and idiot and almost being attacked, or because she was being an idiot and –

He was distracted from his thoughts as she let out a pained moan and cracked her eyes open only for them to shut again. Kaname sighed, standing to get a wet rag for her forehead only for her hand to grip his pants weakly before he could take a step away. He glared down at the woman, but even though her eyes were open and looking up at him he doubted she could see him. The combination of the minimal lighting in the room and the glazed look in her eyes had him thinking she wasn’t entirely there. He knelt down beside her when she began to speak:

“Do you still want to kill me?” She croaked out, her voice weak. “Now’s your chance. I wouldn’t even be able to fight back.”

Kaname paused and then scoffed at her, “What I want doesn’t matter. Your seal would stop me before I could even have the opportunity.” Though she couldn’t see his expression, she could still imagine the dismissive look that was no doubt on his face. In her feverish state, Shirayuki couldn’t help but laugh quietly.

“If the creator of the seal gives you permission to act violently, it’s possible. So long as I say it’s okay… you can kill me.”

“You would be an idiot to do so.” Kaname rolled his eyes at her, preparing to stand again. Best to ignore the infirm when they ramble this way. However, Shirayuki sat up enough to reach over to him and wrap her slender fingers around his hands. A heat seemed to grow in his chest but quickly faded as she brought his hands to her neck as if asking him to choke her.

Shirayuki could feel the slight tremble in his hands as they rested against her flesh and smiled. She wanted so much to believe that Kaname had changed for the better, that the cold and cruel man that he had turned back into for the last few weeks was merely a defense against himself. But she knew that there was a risk – can a person truly change? She had always thought so, but Kaname made the line seem so… gray. She never knew what he would do next, even as she felt his fingers twitch as if testing the ability to choke her, she still wanted to have hope that he wouldn’t.

Still, though delirious she was not without sense completely. Even giving Kaname permission to kill her would not free him from her seal.  And with her dead, there would be no chance to have it removed. It would remain on him until he died – which, given the nature of the seal wouldn’t be longer than a month. Can you do it, Kaname? She thought to herself, would you be able to kill me and doom yourself? The seal would devour your energy, and you would be unable to lash out at anyone but me. Prove me right… prove me wrong…

“If it’s you,” she said, her eyes drooping as she fought for consciousness, “If it’s you, Kaname, you have my permission to kill me. Isn’t that what you’ve wanted? A chance to prove… how alone… you really are…?”

When the woman passed out, his hands were still on her neck. Energy flowed from her into him, and he knew before he curled his fingers slightly that she had been telling the truth. He tested the movement of his hands against her – where once his body would freeze he could now tighten his hold on her. This was everything he had waited for the last few decades.

His mind started to rush as he imagined what would come next—he would kill her, and then he would destroy the village. He would kill everyone there and then… and then…what? What would he do? Go back to demon world? Surely with her death the portal would close nearly immediately. He would have no choice but to continue living among humans until he could find another portal.

Beneath him, her chest raised and lowered with her still shallow breaths. The look on her face was not concerned at all. How carefree for someone about to die, Kaname thought, recalling the last time he had had the pleasure of strangling someone to death. He could nearly imagine it now – or, at least, he tried to imagine it. The thought of Shirayuki’s skin turning a deep purple only had his stomach turning unpleasantly.

He eased his grip on her throat but did not remove his hands. Instead he studied the woman, for rarely did he find himself so close to her face. She was still so young looking – how young she truly was he did not know, but her innocence shone through the worriless expression she wore even in her sleep.

He waited for her to wake back up but as her breathing slowed he realized she was likely out for the rest of the night. Good for her, he thought sarcastically. Of course, she would lay such a dream of an offer to him and follow it up by immediately passing out. His clawed hand traveled from her neck down to her collarbone as he examined her expression – no change. She really was out cold. How foolish that she feel safe enough around him to sleep.

But then, he recalled how extensively she had been working to restore the village since the attack had happened. She was probably too exhausted to have much say in when her body finally gave out.

What a troublesome woman she had turned out to be.

As he studied her face he noted a smudge of mud smeared on her cheek – likely from passing out on the wooden floor outside. Without thinking he moved to wipe the mud from her face, only to be startled when as his thumb swiped against her skin the woman leaned into his palm. He froze, ready to explain his actions but no accusation came.

Kaname didn’t move his hand from her face while he leaned down close enough to feel her breath against his. Swiftly, he brushed his lips against her other cheek and then stood, practically running from her small room.

As he watched he moon outside for hours later, he found himself almost wishing she had offered her death sooner to him. At least then he would be spared whatever weakness had been blooming in his chest.