character questionnaire from my creative writing c

Marcel Proust Character Questionnaire

This questionnaire was invented by the noted French author Marcel Proust. These questions are frequently used in interviews so you may want to pretend you’re interviewing your characters. 

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

“How incredibly buff”- Protein said, bending over to kiss his own glorious biceps- “And of course, extremely sexy, I am.”

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

“Being as muscular as possible.” Protein yawned, taking a sip of protein shake. “I want to be the ultimate GOD!!!!” he screamed, the intense force of his breath shattering some nearby windows.

What is your current state of mind?

“What?” Protein yelped. He gulped down some raw protein powder in anger. “Are you asking if I’m insane? I’m the sanest cat in this goddamn country, okay? I have been enlightened!!!” he yelled. This time no windows shattered because the Almighty had already destroyed them all a moment ago.

What is your favorite occupation?

“Working.” Protein inhaled deeply, the desk in front of him moving slightly forward. “OUT!!!!” Several people within a mile of his glory went deaf that moment.

What is your most treasured possession?

“THIS!!” Protein yanked the cup from his back, whipping it over his head. “I can drink the gods’ nectar anywhere!” To prove his point he gulped down another mouthful of protein shake from the bottle.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Protein drained the whole bottle of protein shake before refilling it because he’s always prepared. “This wonder of nature, of course! Without nature’s blessing I would have never have discovered my calling.”

What is your favorite journey?

“The one to the gym, of course! Well it used to be, until the one I went to banned me, I (censored) HATE YOU STACEY, YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A (censored) EMPLOYEE!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW (censored) GODLY I AM, I COULD SNAP YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IN HALF IF I WANTED TO, OKAY? (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(Protein fortunately calmed down after being offered some canned protein powder.)

What is your most marked characteristic?

“My attractiveness, of course!! Not this scar over my eye, no, stop looking at that.” Protein rested his ginormous arms on the desk, covering every inch of space its surface had.

Which living person do you most despise?

Protein began to vibrate, his buff muscles quivering. “sTACEY!!!!! THE CLERK WHO KICKED ME OUT OF THE gYM!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I HAVE TO WORK OUT AT HOME WITH AMAZON’S INFERIOR EQUIPMENT!!!!!” He panted, arms glistening and eyes glittering. “YEAH I KNOW I COULD JUST GO TO ANOTHER GYM BUT ALL THE ONES HERE BESIDES THAT ONE SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY STACEY! RUINING MY DREAMS, MY HOPES, YOU-” Protein conveniently fainted from the exhilaration before he could say any non-PG words this time.     

What is your greatest regret?

Protein woke up, recovered from his spell. “Well I have no flaws so I don’t make mistakes, and also don’t have much to regret,” Protein boasted. “But I do regret not starting my goals in life earlier. I started consuming protein and only protein when I was a toddler. But that was a bit late for me to truly ascend to a higher level of buff being.” he sighed. “I should’ve started drinking protein shakes in the womb.”

Where would you like to live?

“I want to live in the gym.” Protein cried, cloudy, protein-filled tears falling down his face. “I’ve turned the cardboard box I live in into a makeshift gym, but with being banned from every decent gym in this cursed country it’s not enough. I”- Protein sobbed, covering his skin with grainy liquid-“I must live in a gym! There’s no other way for me to live!”

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

“Deplore?” Protein mused, rubbing his wrinkled forehead in concentration. “I don’t know what that means…. Well I’m guessing it means something good? I think my heavenly muscles are the best trait about me. I’m only made up of good traits but that one’s gotta be the best.”

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Protein blushed intensely, his whole body turning red. “Well….” He blushed even more intensely, his face’s color switching over from a bright red to a glow that lit up the room. “I-I…” He hid himself beneath his buff arms, burying his face in the folds upon folds of muscle. “I! I like Rainbow Dash!” He said, running out of the room on his muscular hands, rattling the foundation of the building and possibly causing some earthquakes over in Taiwan.

Whose are your heroes in real life?

Protein reluctantly stepped back inside, brushing some drywall off his forehead. “Well, nobody in real life’s incredibly buff enough to be my idol. So for now my idol is myself. Couldn’t have a better choice!”

Which living person do you most admire?

“Didn’t I just say that? It’s myself, the only proper choice,” Protein smiled as he flexed his whole body in a grotesque pair of arm curls.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

“Skinniness,” Protein huffed, flexing his whole body once again.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

“I don’t think my buff self overuses words. I’m a buff god and buff gods don’t overuse words. They use the greatest and buffest words and only the greatest and buffest words.” Protein sighed. “Though when it comes to the non-buff everyone else, I’d say they keep saying the very un-buff words ‘Please get away from me, you’re scaring me, how on earth do you exist.’ So closed-minded! If only they would come to the way of the buff like my buff self has.”

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Protein stared longingly at his arms, massaging the layers upon layers of muscle with his back legs. “I want to be stronger. I want my muscles to be taller than me. I won’t rest until they’re the size of the world!”

What are your favorite names?

“Well….” Protein thought for a moment, muscles quivering. “I think Protein is the best name, my mom named me that. And the next best ones to me are ‘Gym,’ ‘Buff,’ ‘Exercise,’ ‘Powder,’ ‘Weightlifting,’ and ‘Worshipper of Protein.’”

How would you like to die?

“Die? But I’m not gonna die!!” Protein shrieked in an unexpectedly high pitch, the remnants of the shattered windows shattering even further into microscopic pieces. “You don’t need to ask me this, no matter how fast my heart beats every moment and no matter how lightheaded I feel all the time I’m not going to die!!” Protein manhandled the desk and threw it towards the ceiling, watching as it exploded into wood shrapnel and various writing utensils and legal documents. “SEE!!! SOMEONE WHO CAN DO THAT ISN’T GOING TO DIE!!!” A stapler dropped a breath from his head at that very moment, narrowly missing his buff face, and clattered onto the ground. “I’m immortal,” he screamed more softly.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

Protein now sat in the center of a pentagram of papers, bottle of protein in paw. “Huh….” he thought seriously for a moment, his voice rising up in a low hum. “I…. I think becoming a molecule of protein would be my destiny….” he said as he took a swig of protein shake. “But of course like I mentioned before, I’m not gonna die! So I won’t ever be reincarnated as a molecule of my favorite molecule in existence.”

What is your motto?

Protein got up, lifting himself by his muscular hands. “Last question, huh?” he said as he swallowed the last drop of protein from his supply. “Well my motto is... Uh…..” he searched the room for something to speak about but his mind came up blank. “My motto is that-” he began, but an overwhelming cough cut him off. His eyes grew darker and darker, inky pits filling their sides and then their center, and he twitched, spitting out black fluid.

“MY MOTTO IS THAT I’M TOO TIRED TO FINISH THIS AND MAKE IT SOUND GOOD I’M SORRY,” he chanted. His eyes lightened and the dripping from his mouth stopped, and he fell to the ground, catching himself on his muscular arms.

“C-can I leave now?” he stuttered, voice raw and pained.