sooooo my theraoist told me i should start a dairy. idk it seems kinda dumb but hey, what is there to lose?

i'm starting to forget my dad's voice. i hav to watch old videos every so often just to hear him laugh and clign onto that memory. it hurts, it really really hurts, seing him alive and like. There and knowing i wotn ever have him There again. but its also comforting, feels like a warm hug. then that just makes me cry even harder its so embarrassing

sometimes i feel like chicago was a punishment frm god r some shit. like. it really was my faul, wasnt it???? i hurt him. i hurt my aunt. i hurst so many ppl. i acted like an idiot. i deserved that shit. every bit of it. idc what everyone says ik theyre just trying to like. not have my die on them. idk if i can do that for much longer

i dont think ill ever b happy. i dont think i deserve to b happy. thats why i do the things i do right??? its a visious cycle, i feel bad cuz i hurt myself n i hutr myself xuz i feel bad. its always going to b like this

i thisk this is just making me feel worse

i didnt remember this existed holy crap that last post is so embarrassing lmaoaooaoaooa

got a cat and made an irl friend, can i get a WAHOO?? i'm hanging out with her later. her name is helena, she's funny, i really like her. her gf is also gonna b here as well as sammy and trevor (idk how i feel abt him he's a little annoying but also......idk lowkey cute. ik how the Last Time went but i think i could shoot my shot w him. mabye not a relationship but. yknow.....yknow)

also i have a job now. i touched the grass. my calne ca figure won't buy itself

welcome to my yearly entry JAHGFDAFGH sooo i mentioned trev on the last post. guess who has a bf!!! and he's actually a decent (wonderful) person this time wow!!

my life has been getting way better. for the fisrt time in like a decade and a half i don't feel like dying (at least not that often). i feel like this monkey:

like.... i have friends???? both online and irl?????? actual friedns??? who love me????? what the hellllll. i have my aunt, i have nekobasu, i have my silly little plant and i have my calne ca figure and my pirated vocaloid software. what else could i ssk for?? i mean. i miss my dad like crazy n i still have a shitload of like. extreme trauma. but i thik we're getting there

so yeah, I think things r lookin up. i'm excited for next year but also obvs nervous but also.....i'm feeling positive, which is extremly weird.

plus i got to 200 followers on soundcloud. CAMPEÃO DO MUNDO!!!