Wheaton

     Do you know how there are all those weird, extreme traits lots of people think vegans seem to have, but most do not have? Well, Wheaton here is a part of the minority of vegans that has those traits. He has many, many of those traits. Not all, but a good chunk of them.

     Wheaton always means well, and he never wants to cause trouble, but he’s a bit pushy about being vegan. He certainly does care about animal rights, although he’s more into the healthy diet field of it. And he sure LOVES how in shape he is. 

     He’s actually a bit underweight, though. It’s not to a dangerous extent, and it’s not because he’s worried about being overweight, but he could afford to gain a few— I can‘t say pounds, Wheaton absolutely weighs and should weigh less than one pound, considering he’s a piece of wheat. He could afford to gain a number of the appropriate weight measurement for a stalk of wheat. 

     Wheaton has a wife named Hydra, and a kid named Ned. 

     Hydra is a sentient mass of water in the form of a Hydra (Greek mythology). She doesn’t need to eat or drink other than refreshing herself by physically interacting with water. So, Wheaton doesn’t push any vegan diets on her. They don’t really apply to her, and thankfully, Wheaton realizes this. However, this doesn’t prevent him from happily ranting to Hydra about being a vegan and how great he is. They’re both narcissistic, and they both love each other, so, in a way, it’s fair. 

     Wheaton’s child Ned is a personified noodle. Ned does follow a vegan diet, quite similar to his father’s. Wheaton did raise him to be vegan, but Ned probably would’ve wanted to follow a vegan diet even without his dad’s extreme presence on the topic. This doesn’t mean that Ned is at all as overzealous about it as his dad is. Ned is very uncomfortable about it. 

     Wheaton likes to think of this as “generations of vegans,” and constantly says how he and Ned demonstrate “generations of vegans” to anyone he may meet. If Wheaton could make Ned a poster child for being a vegan, he undoubtedly would. 

     Wheaton does love Ned, but what he loves about him most is that he’s a vegan. He isn’t quite as in tune about any other aspect of Ned. Ned doesn’t really know how to feel about this, but he doesn’t mind too much, and he still loves his old man, too. 

Gender: Male (Cis) 

Pronouns: 

• “He/Him/His/Himself” 

Species: Personified Stalk of Wheat 

Sexuality/Romantic Orientation: Heteroromantic, Asexual

Birthday: September 12th, 1975

Age: 45 years 

Relations: Ned (Offspring), Hydra (Wife) 

Personality & Similar: Talkative, Smiley, Sort of annoying, Sometimes overpowering or overbearing (but doesn’t think or know that he is), Narcissistic, Cheerful, Sometimes intimidating

Representative Music: “Vegan Rap“ (He’s not as into animal rights, but this song still fits his “vibe“) (Also, swear warning: the bottom right corner of the video shows the s-word, for some reason that I don’t know) (The video is very strange, in my opinion— it’s also strange to use three parentheses things like this)

Favourites: 

• Hobby/Hobbies: Looking into the mirror, Dieting, “Advocating“ for vegan diets

• Season: Summer

• Colour: Light Fern Green

*Last Updated: Friday, December 11th, 2020