I need to preface this, because it’s a very negative post (Surprise, there’s a lot this year huh?) that I am very very VERY thankful and full of love from all that have come into my life the last three months and even more so to those that have stayed in my life despite the absolute tragedy I have been through this year. It is ending better, but it has still been a very hard year. That’s the TL;DR of this post, if you want to read feel free to do so, but I am writing this more to sort my thoughts out going into the next year.

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What a year.

Seriously. I don't think I can express just how bad this year was for me, I'd highly put it there within my top three and even right till the very end here it's still draining me of money and energy.

I'm fine, obviously, here I am right? But it's been a long and tiring year and despite doing my best to reflect on it and try to treat myself well, I cannot see the next year being massively better. There is a very clear lack of hope and energy in the world right now, and you can feel it seep into the very fibre of your being like heat being forced into you when you need to cool down. What would be so.. So great would be to take a gap year, travel, vanish off of the world's face for a year and just have that time to properly mentally and spiritually reset. Come back with a breath of fresh air for 2027, but sadly, that isn’t how it works.

It's been a good year for Song at least, and my growth with her here, these last three months have been.. nice honestly. Nearly 1k favs, 260+ watchers, multiple artworks to come and some collaborations as well, and I'm working more on her master document finally, along with ideally bringing her father into the light next year as well. If it wasn't for all of this I'd have pinned this year as my worst yet, but the people I've met and all these amazing connections have been great. My Blue sky account has grown to 600 followers and again there's people looking out for me there too. 

But I've hurt some genuinely good people this year and honestly I'd trade it all to reverse that time so I can make it right, I've thrown away a perfectly good, stable and growing companionship and they did everything they could to help me but my depression at that time was simply too great and I ended up just letting them go. I think it's better for them, than to be with someone like me, they have a chance to find someone better but at the same time it's a stupid thought to try and make me feel better when they clearly loved and enjoyed me. And that isn't even counting all the friends that are gone now too, groups, servers, everything.

I'm not starting again, not at all. I've still got some close and solid people there beside me, but to rip so much out leaves one very.. very hollow to say the least and it's a big experience to go through. I do not believe I'm going to recover, and that's by choice. I've made a conscious choice that here (FA) and Blue sky will be my final home and if they fail for whatever reason I will simply be leaving social media for good. I've learnt that I am simply unable to be happy around groups, I'm learning that I'm unable to focus enough on life to maintain friendships and more for long enough that I do not frustrate or upset the other party due to my actions. And then on the flip side, I do not have the energy in me to chase people or groups for attention any longer.

It has been a year, that's for sure. I'm happy it's over and I'm glad I'm starting the new one in a better space, but. I'm low on energy, I'm low on love, on hope and on dreams. My health is ruined, and it's given me a long term condition that I cannot predict when it'll hit me. My future looks bleak, my options are as low as the ground. But I'm alive. I've come close to not being so but here I am, alive. I'll continue to remove things from my life to maintain that status of living, but I plan to stay alive for a long time. And hopefully.. mend some bridges I've broken so badly this year. If there’s one thing that I have learnt throughout all of this is that I value independence and solitude a lot higher than I was trying to let myself believe, there are days where I can yap away, where I can flirt and dance with people for hours. But then I have that day or two, where I need, need, to be left alone and it’s important I stand to this now and not allow others to try and influence me in any way. 

I'm not going to try to be better, but neither am I going to be worse. My aim is simple, to live and survive 2026. Anything else is a bonus, and that's okay.

I'd love to draw again, to make stories, and hang out with friends. But I'll start small and go from there and I think that's the most important thing for my future, because I truly feel like this is my last chance to make it anywhere. I have no more communities or places to grow and be myself left after this one if it all crumbles. So thank you to all of you that understand me, that are patient with me and do not push or pull too much for what I am going through. And thank you all for those that don't ask, if I wanted to speak about things I naturally would, but I'm content in speaking when I'm ready and just need spaces to do so when I need them.

Here's to 2026, a good year for Song, hopefully her family and more importantly to survive. And I swear to god once this Credit Card which is my final debt is paid off.. I am going fucking crazy to get Song art like a gremlin!!