Delay notice; talking about my life

Posted 4 months, 27 days ago by ba-mot

This is one of the hardest and most..shameful things I think I've ever written. It's going to be a big hot fucking mess. I'm sorry for this.

Everything is telling me not to do this. For so long I have vehemently kept my personal life off of the internet and refrained from talking too much about it. I want to describe every detail but also just say very little. I..can really only do the latter, say really little about the actual situation because it's too much for me to talk about. I haven't even been talking about this to my closest friends both on and offline because of that. But I knew I would have to mention it eventually because of how it's going to affect my work. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. That's going to happen a lot.

My dad is dying. Cancer is killing him. He's going to be gone soon. It feels like he's gone already. Everything escalated so fast it doesn't even feel real to say that. Everything was relatively fine before May and then September and now this week and...I just..can't talk about it further than that. I don't want to talk about what this has been doing to me. Why am I writing this then? mostly just to talk about art..I suppose. I'm sorry. I can't talk about the real life situation of this more than that. My dad is the most important person in the world to me..that's putting it very lightly. In so many ways my life was a dedication to him. I can't describe what this is doing to me. I just..need to talk about what's going to happen with art.

For my clients/art trade partners

First and foremost I want to make it very clear to everyone that I will always be available to respond to messages regardless of what I'm going through. I am online daily and it is my duty to at the very least be responsive if I cannot finish the work in a timely manner. It pains me so much to come forward and admit all of this; admit to myself that I am simply not capable of drawing as fast as I used to. And that when I give people soft deadlines, more often than not I am late. And there's no excuse for that, I shouldn't be saying any of that if I'm not 100% sure I'll make it. Admittedly I just..hoped that giving soft deadlines would force me into getting done in time, and that just didn't happen all the time. I'm so sorry to anyone that was made to feel like I was leaving them hanging out of negligence; believe me I knew the moment, the day, on the dot, when I was surpassing the deadline I gave you and I hated it. But I just have to come out clean..I cannot in good consciousness promise that I will finished owed work very quickly. I plug in my tablet and intend to work every day, but sometimes I barely do anything. I am truly doing my best to work on everyone's orders..but I just struggle so much. I hate saying that because that's no excuse, but it's the only explanation I have. I am doing my best. I'm so sorry. And I suppose the elephant in the room is: why do I keep taking more orders so frequently? The obvious answer is money, but that's really not it..especially with how frivolously I've been spending these days. And certainly that doesn't explain doing art trades. The truth is, it just made me happy that people wanted my art; that I was still relevant in some way. It's gross but that's the truth of it. As much as I don't feel as though I deserve it..all I can ask for is patience while I slowly work

However, if you are not comfortable continuing to work with me through this time of inconsistency, I am completely understanding and free of judgements. Please do not ever feel obligated to work with me just because I am grieving. In this case, I am fully capable of refunding anyone who requests it. If it is an art trade, I am more than happy to compensate monetarily; anything I can do. It is NOT your responsibility or burden to make up for my personal struggles. Do not think it should be.

And as always, you can check the status of your owed work on my trello.

Talking about myself

This section is..more of a huge self indulgence on my part. It is not important or relevant to my work but just wanting to talk about how I've been feeling and coping with all of this. I will put my ramblings under a spoiler for the sake of uhm..I suppose hiding my cringe png moments™ a bit.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm so important that anyone but my friends have noticed this, but I have been buying a LOT of commissions (as well as other useless bullshit like sweets and fancy food. I've been buying a lot of salt water taffy lately as the current hyperfixation) to cope with what's been happening. But more notably, I have an oc that I have somewhat taken to be more than just an oc but as my main vector for coping, and I think it's pretty obvious which one.

Albus is. so important to me. which is so crazy to have happened given what my relationship with ffxiv is actually like haha. (I don't play a lot/don't take it very seriously) Right off the bat he's kind of a ridiculous character because he's based on Almeric which is explicitely not tied to the main story of the game. But of course Albus IS very explicitly based on the the main story of the game (well more of a spinoff of the story. if you know you know) I know I kind of shoot myself in the foot there by keeping his story/lore offline but uh. That's really not that important. The only important thing is, he's become a representation of myself in many ways. A character that is broken, alone, miserable, unable to talk. But something hopeful too, isn't without a few that try to help him. Obviously he has a lot of pictures where he's sad because..well..that's been a lot of my life this past year and especially by May. But recently I try to have him smile too..because I am trying to be strong through the sadness. As my dad's life comes to an end it's..not really like that right now. But I am trying. When I draw him being strong, I feel like I am telling myself it's time to be strong.

I suppose as a consequence of hyperfixating on Albus so much..I've come to delude myself into thinking that when someone draws him (commission or otherwise), they are both communicating that they like his design, but that they also like me. It's stupid as hell to think like that I know, but I'm stupid right now. But if you have drawn him, or said anything nice about him, you have no idea how much it meant to me. You just..had no idea how much it helped me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has ever liked him.

This post is getting stupidly long now. I am floored if anyone read this whole thing. And I'm ready to feel the instant regret and stupidity for vomitting my guts out in public like this. But..thank you. Thank you for forgiving me for this selfish display of..nonsense.

And most importantly..to everyone out there who is losing a loved one. Please please know, you are not alone. God isn't punishing you and making you feel this pain. It's just..the cycle of life.

But we will all make it through the pain. Those who came before us have. We'll be okay. If not now..then one day. We'll be okay.

Comments

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ba-mot

It is difficult for me to say much but Thank you for your forgiveness as I take longer to draw. I hope I can get back to working soon.

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ba-mot

It's okay, I've seen you around in my notifications and greatly appreciate your presence and time for writing a message to me. And thank you for liking my character, it means so much to me to hear that some notice him enough to be happy to see new art for him.

Satori

31, we’ve never personally spoken but I’ve always admired your creativity and artwork. I can see how much Albus means to you and I can feel the heart and feelings you’ve put into him personally. Knowing deep down you are struggling makes me wish I could help alleviate that pain even if through a bit of words.

You are not alone, and please, don’t feel afraid to reach out and speak about what you’re struggling with. My partner also went through the same pain with her father last year, and it broke my heart to see her close herself off because she was afraid of speaking about her thoughts and feelings. Cancer is a monstrous thing, and I understand how much it must hurt to see it consume someone you love deeply.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I forgive you, and I’ll always be okay with hearing your struggles. If you ever need someone to vent to or talk to, my DMs will always be open. This is a struggle nobody deserves to face alone. If it would also help, I also play FFXIV and can always spend time with you in-game as well. My partner was comforted a lot when we AFKed together, next to each other. No matter what, I and others will be around if you ever need us.

I’m wishing you happiness. You are much stronger than you realize.

ba-mot

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I'm happy that you like my ffxiv character, I like your little potato a lot too. I don't afk in the game because my desktop is quite old and loud, and my room is very small so it is incredibly difficult to ignore, but I appreciate you offering to spend that kind of time with me.

Etoile

Hi 31,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I am not good with words but I will sincerely pray for you and your family during this difficult time.

Don't blame yourself for what you do to cope. Distractions are important to keep yourself sane during such times and it sounds like you're already doing the best that you can.

I'm glad you have things that help provide you with a sense of light and hope.

Don't worry about trades or deadlines at the moment. I'm certain that everyone will completely understand that you need time!

ba-mot

Thank you for your kindness and forgiveness for my slow work progress. I am doing my best to work every day and hope no one has to wait too long..whatever that might look like in all of our subjective minds. But I am certainly doing my best.

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ba-mot

Thank you for taking the time to write to me; it's very kind of you to say all of this. There is no need to make anything for me, I am content that you shared some of your time to talk to me. Thank you for believing in me that I can be strong.

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