One of our cats died two days before christmas.

We had to make the hardest decision and had to put him down. Fluff was my soul animal. They found cancer on his heart and kidney (I told liver before but I misunderstood. It was the kidney). He was suffering and it would have been egoistic to take him home with meds and chemo just so he lives a few weeks to months longer, while suffering... I never met such an amazing cat before.
He was so special, I can't even put it into words. He would sleep next to us at night. He would sleep 24/7 on my lap, wanted all the cuddles and kisses. I have sooooo many memories, photos and videos (thank god) and yet it feels like I don't have enough. He lived his best life for 15 years.
It hurts so bad, I really really miss him. Sometimes I still hear or see him in the corner of my eyes. Like phantom pain.

I am not okay, but I will be one day. I need time to heal. Each day is a rollercoaster. I have good days and then (especially in the evenings) it gets darker and I am just sad.

And now to todays bad news: My grandma (my moms mother) is dying in the hospital. She has all her loved ones around her. We (my bf and I) live too far away but I don't think I could have visited her even if we didn't. I want to remember her as she was some years ago. I was not close to my maternal grandparents but it still feels awful obviously. I regret not visiting them before, but it was not possible because Corona and everything. My grandma was really ill for years now ;w; 

Update on the next day: My grandma passed away peacefully last night