Saying Goodbye [RTTW]
Minkrunner, deputy of Windclan, tries to console Pallidpaw following the death of her mother, Lusterheart. They decide to decorate Lusterheart's grave with lilacs at the sunrise cairn before Pallidpaw talks to her mother's grave.
Fuck this hurt.
Everyone knew Pallidpaw wasn't doing ok after the death of Lusterheart, but it became increasingly obvious that she was spiraling. She was curled into a ball in the same spot she had held her mother for the last time, despite her mother already having been dead as she embraced her. Instead of her mother being within her grasp her paws lay purchase to her face and the back of her head, she was holding herself in a manner that resembled her true helplessness. She was pulled into the smallest ball she could manage, but occasionally you would see her claws unsheathe and a sob wrack through her silently.
Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic.
The word played on repeat in her head as she laid uselessly in the spot Lusterheart had been placed for everyone's goodbyes. Her mother had her issues, but she was a hard-working molly that loved her daughter. Pallidpaw couldn't help but flagellate herself for not remembering the last thing she had said to her mother before they left for the patrol. How stupid. A good daughter would've remembered...would've said I love you...would've been worth watching grow up.
The thoughts were slipping in again and she felt herself shaking, she didn't want to hurt like this anymore...she didn't want to not know how to exist without her mother. She wanted Wildthistle...she just wanted to be held...but even then, she felt guilty for wanting to be comforted during this time. Her mother had been alone during her last moments...just bitter Shadowclanners ripping into her throat.
The deputy emerged from camp's entrance after sending out a hunting patrol away from the ShadowClan border, as well as to make sure there was no dog scent anywhere nearby. Not only that but ShadowClan scent as well. After the mysterious attack on Lusterheart he'd been on edge, a cold rage settled deep in his heart.
He couldn't understand how a -possible- ShadowClan patrol had been able to murder a lone she-cat on cold blood, without apparent cause, too. It had become a sad sight to spot Pallidpaw curled up in the same spot she had been these past days, though the feeling wasn't foreign to him; after all, he'd mourned the same way when his parents had passed, and just the same with Bunnyhop, Sunstrike and Peachkit's death.
Death seemed to be keen on prying onto WindClan's back, it seemed.
He carefully approached the apprentice with a saddened look on his face, unable to hide the pity he felt seeing the apprentice so defeated. He announced his arrival with a soft hum, kind dark blue eyes settling on the other's pale figure. "Pallidpaw... how are you doing today?" He asked although he knew the response all too well. He stood beside the apprentice, though decided against moving too close just in case she'd rather be alone, ears low and a frown settled on his face.
"Have you had the chance to... visit her at the Sunrise cairn? If you'd like I could accompany you, we could bring her some of the last blooming flowers of the season, make sure she's comfortable?"
Truly, his intention was to try and comfort the young apprentice during her loss, to reassure her -if that was even possible- that her mother would still be there, although not physically. However he decided not to pry, if she wanted to be by herself he'd respect it, and if she wanted to talk about anything else he'd be willing to do so.
A familiar voice roused Pallidpaw from her exhausted stupor, but the mental energy wasn't there to answer him right away. Instead, she turned her pale eyes towards the deputy and watched him, a deep dolor present in her expression. What her expression didn't express was her desperate desire for someone to just hold her...not even to tell her things would be alright, but just the comforting touch of someone who cares.
His next question made her ears perk, as much as her folded lobes could. Slowly and laboriously she pushed herself up onto her elbows, "Could we?" The desperation changed, no longer wondering what the point of existence was and now one of directed purpose. She stood on wobbly legs, she hadn't eaten since her mother's passing and it was affecting her strength greatly, and meowed, "I want to do that...very much."
She stretched and prepared herself for the journey, though she probably needed to eat something first, "She always liked lilacs. Do...do you know where they grow?" For the first time in a while, she looked as if she had a purpose, something to do.
It wasn't strange for Minkrunner to see Pallidpaw's evident lack of energy and self-care, for she was much thinner than usual, even if only a few days had passed since the incident. Her expression told him all he needed to know, a profound feeling of longing in her pale and dull eyes, of mourning, of hopelessness. He didn't waste any time before gently resting his tail on her shoulder in a comforting manner, lingering there for a few seconds while he waited for a response, ears remaining low against his head.
He made sure to be ready to assist the apprentice in case she needed help standing, once again confirming his suspicions that she hadn't been able to look after herself too much. He couldn't blame her, going through such a traumatic event wasn't easy, and much less for the young molly who loved her parents so much. It pained him to see a family ruined by the hatred and greed of others.
A vague smile settled on his muzzle once more at Pallidpaw's motivation, nodding gently down at her. "Of course we can, we'll make sure she's all settled up and that her resting place is as beautiful as ever. We'll pick some lilacs on our way there," he began, remaining close to Pallidpaw to make sure she wouldn't fall or that her legs would give out. "Lilacs? I'm sure we can find some over at the cairn, we'll even pick up some lilies and heather to put there, how's that sound?"
His voice was gentle and soft, a caring undertone clear in his words. "But let's get you some food first, you must be starving."
The touch of his tail made her lean into it subconsciously, desperation for connection was strong within her. She wanted so badly to just feel the happiness that being held gave her. Was that the hole her mother left her within her heart? Lusterheart had always been affectionate with Pallidpaw, not afraid to groom and maintain her daughter's physical appearance. Maybe that was because her mother was known for her beauty, her gorgeous white coat being recognizable within the moors by anyone.
Her musings were interrupted by Minkrunner's agreeance. She felt tears slip past her waterline and her face twisted up into a strange combination of a sob and a smile. Relief welled within her chest at the fact that they could at least do this for Lusterheart. She deserved so much more, but it was a start.
"Thank you...thank you," her voice was broken, that of a motherless child.
His mention of even more beautiful flowers made the small molly nod eagerly, "She...She was always so beautiful...it's only fitting that we make her resting place try to match her." There was a soft expression on her teary face, her mother had been such a conflicting figure in her life, but above all else, she loved her dearly and would've never wished this fate upon her.
"Food?" she turned and looked at him and as if summoning the hunger forth her stomach lurched from being so empty. "That's...a good idea," she realized that not eating would only make herself a further burden on Minkrunner. Pallidpaw wasted no time in picking up a mouse from the fresh-kill pile and devouring it, far more eagerly than she anticipated. Shame threatened to dig its claws into her pelt at how happy the taste made her, but she fought that back. She was allowed to live...she had to remind herself of that.
Licking her lips she turned to Minkrunner, "I should be ready. Sorry for the wait." She looked like a different cat now.
The deputy let out a soft sigh as he headed up the sunrise cairn with Pallidpaw next to him, the day was bright and the sun's rays were enough to send a placid warmth on their backs, one that was very welcomed in these past frigid days. Between his jaws was a delicately plucked bouquet made up of lilacs, heather, and lilies, all with their flowers fully bloomed and swaying in the tom's mouth with the soft gusts of wind that blew past them.
He'd also placed one of the prettiest lilacs of the bunch on the fur along Pallidpaw's chest, close to her heart. 'A reminder that your loved ones are always with you, no matter where or if you can't see them.' He'd said while plucking the delicate flower there, a kind smile accompanying his words.
As they went up the hill he made sure to stay close to the apprentice, just so that if she needed any more physical comfort he'd be there to aid her. It hadn't been hard for the perceptive tom to realize Pallidpaw craved physical reassurance, and so he had decided to do. Keeping his shoulder lightly pressed to her flank as they walked past all of the rocks and pebbles that decorated the land, along with flowers and other gifts cats gave to their loved ones.
The tom paused his stride for a few moments as his eyes landed on five familiar graves, all beautifully decorated with paints made out of flowers and berries, wilting flowers, and colorful pebbles. The graves of his family.
A bittersweet smile appeared on the tom's face, yet he quickly shook his head before the sadness of seeing those rocks could fully get to him, picking his pace back up and glancing toward Pallidpaw. "I met your mother a lot of times before. Lusterheart was a fantastic warrior, and she loves you dearly."
He spoke gently and quite fondly of the she-cat, remembering the exchanges they'd had throughout their life. She was controversial, sure. But she loved her daughter.
The pain was definitely still there, but walking up the cairn with a mouthful of her mother's favorite flowers felt like the first useful thing she had done in a long time. It reminded her of the time she had brought a mouse to Lusterheart when she was a tiny kit, her bumbling little form trying desperately to drag the prey into the nursery for her mom. That laugh, Lusterheart's laugh was heartwarming and sincere, she was not one to placate. If she laughed you knew she was genuinely amused or happy...and that noise rang through the back of Pallidpaw's head, causing tears to slip past her cheeks without even realizing it.
Minkrunner had been so kind to her, which only deepened Pallidpaw's guilt about having not trusted the tom. It seemed he really was just being dragged along by Emberstar... which meant she still needed to be careful what she told him.
As they approached the cairn Pallidpaw couldn't help but examine each set of graves, so many had died...and for what? She admired the decorations, they were all so dearly loved. It had been so dark when she buried her mother that she hadn't a chance to admire the other graves. Beautiful paints made from berries only made her feel excited to paint her mother's grave eventually. Lusterheart deserved to be just as beautiful in death as she was in life.
His words caught the apprentice's off-guard and she stopped before her mother's grave, her jaw threatening to clamp on the delicate stems of the plants within her mouth. Heavy tears soaked her already laden cheeks...it felt so nice to hear someone speak fondly of her mother. Slowly, she dropped the flowers from her maw and placed them deliberately along the perimeter of the stone. She made sure to put a lilac at each corner.
"Thank you, Minkrunner," she turned and looked at him with soft glassy blue eyes, "for everything." There was a hint of a smile on her maw as she leaned forward to touch her nose to the stone and whisper, "I'm so sorry Ma. I love you..." The urge to scream and cry and flail was still there, but at this moment things felt a little more right.
Leaning back up she sighed, "I always wanted to be a cat my Mom would be proud of. She was so skilled at everything...well." Pallidpaw shook her head as the thought crossed her mind... Except being with Dad. No point in dwelling, her father was suffering just as much if not more than she was now. Grayfoot, lazy and rude as he may be, also loved Pallidpaw more than anything. You would think that would've been enough to bring them together...but that assumed their daughter was more important than strife.
Sighing again she shook that thought away, 'Don't make everything about you, Pallid. You're a pale little soul, don't you know? Not the center of the world.'
The deputy stood back and merely watched as Pallidpaw carefully surrounded her mother's grave with each of the flowers they'd collected. He leaned over and placed a few of the lilies right next to the stone that now belonged to Lusterheart's resting place, making sure to be careful and meticulous with every petal. At the sight of Pallidpaw's tears, however, he wasn't able to just sit and watch, gently keeping his tail over her shoulders as a way of extra support, having figured that a reassuring touch helped the young apprentice more than words did.
He sighed softly, a sigh of sadness and defeat. How unfair it was for an apprentice to lose her mother to a senseless war.
No, it hadn't even been a war. It hadn't been a death in the heat of battle, or just an unfortunate result of a skirmish. This had been a murder, a cold-blooded and pathetic murder. Nothing more than just ShadowClan warriors hunting their enemies down. And Lusterheart had been their victim.
He could only imagine and dread... who would it be next?
He was quickly pulled out of his thoughts at the words, a small purr in response to them. "You're very welcome, Pallidpaw. We're all family here, it's the least I can do for both of you." His ears perked as the pale she-cat began talking again, his smile dropping as she spoke. "But Pallidpaw, you are that and so much more. Lusterheart was always proud of you, and she will continue to. She's still with you," he said softly, reaching his paw out and gently touching it to where Pallidpaw's heart was.
"Right here, and she will never leave. You may not be able to see her, but she's here. She'll be cheering for you the loudest when you graduate, and when you catch prey for the clan, and when you think of her. She's always going to be here, protecting you and cheering you on."
His words were genuine, and ones that he'd been told when his parents had died when he was an apprentice. He smiled gently to the young molly, making sure to keep his voice hushed and calm. "There is no shame in being... a little selfish sometimes, you know? Your happiness matters too, Pallidpaw. And so do your feelings. Sure your mother wouldn't want to see you sad all the time, but she respects when you need to cry and let your feelings out." He meowed, looking over at the beautifully decorated grave.
"WindClan needs more cats like you. Sensible and cats who are connected with their feelings, and who aren't afraid to show it. You're doing a good job Pallidpaw, there are no doubts about it." After his speech the tom rose to his paws, nose touching his nose briefly to the apprentice's head before taking a step back, humming softly.
"I'll give you a moment so you can be with your mother alone, okay? If you need me I'll be waiting over there-" He pointed at the five graves where his family was. "And once you're ready, we will head back." And with that he stepped away to give the apprentice her own space, to give her the privacy she could need to mourn her mother and have a conversation with her if so she wished.
His comment made her want to laugh for a moment. All a family? Yeah right. Not with Emberstar being leader.
Her thoughts were interrupted by his response to her comment. He was kind as always and as he touched her chest she felt herself lose her composure again. Why did he think so highly of her? All she ever did was sob and shake...she was a waste of everyone's precious time. Right?
He only continued to drive the stake in deeper as he showered her with kindness and promises of her mother's pride. She felt herself shaking, tears readily flowing down her cheeks as she thought of all the things her mother wouldn't be here in the flesh for. The stars didn't seem to care for her so why would they house her mother... They were spineless cowards, allowing the murder of the innocent.
It seemed as though Minkrunner would never run out of kind things to say about Pallidpaw and while she didn't necessarily believe them herself, it was nice to hear. She wanted to be all the things that the deputy thought she was. The small molly could only see the bad...how selfish and weak she was.
Her emotions made it so that she couldn't speak, but she nodded as he pointed towards the graves. She watched as he walked away and she turned to stare at her mother's newly decorated grave. How morbid. "Uh...Hi Momma," she cringed slightly at how idiotic she felt. "I...I miss you so much already," she laughed softly, "It's barely been a full day since you've been gone...but I miss you...so much." Pallidpaw felt her smile turn into a frown as she closed her eyes, "I don't know if I can do it without you Ma. You know...I thought you were uh...gonna be here. I never prepared for life without you...I...I don't want to Momma." She felt a sob forming in her chest and she shook her head as hiccups wracked her small body.
Leaning forward she pressed her head against her mother's headstone, "Momma...I'm not ready." She sniffled and nuzzled the rock, "You always said that things were gonna get better...I believed you. So did Dad." Tears dripped onto the stone, "He misses you so much...He cries every night...So do I." A hiccup made her jolt backward slightly as she raised her eyes to the sky, "I'm scared, Momma...I don't know what to do."
There wasn't much else to say at the moment, so Pallidpaw merely pressed her head back to the stone and tried to calm her breathing. It felt like so long had passed before the apprentice leaned back and kissed the rock, "I'll try to be better...for you." Leaning back she smiled solemnly, "Love you Ma."
Tiredly, the striped molly walked over to the deputy and dipped her head to him. "Ready whenever you are, sir."
The deputy felt a painful pang of sympathy at Pallidpaw's pained expression, knowing the dark look in the molly's face all-too-well. While he might not know about her doubts quite well, he knows that face. She doesn't feel worthy, she feels like a burden. A similar feeling between them both.
Perhaps that was one of the things that had drawn Minkrunner to help the young apprentice with such ease, a painful familiarity between them. He let out a small sigh before adding in softly, his voice hushed. "You're worth more than you think, Pallidpaw. You're a valuable member of WindClan, and you'll never be a burden, and your feelings are never selfish." And with that he was gone, having left before the apprentice could really ask anything else.
The tom simply sat in comfortable silence among the graves of his family, a gentle paw slowly tracing the edges of each of the rocks placed in front of his loved one's resting bodies. His gaze lingered on each carefully, smiling weakly at them. One day he would be joining their graves, and he would take care of his family in StarClan just as he always had and always wanted to while they lived. He never found the words to talk to them, plucking some extra flowers from his mane and carefully setting them next to each grave. "I hope you're all doing well." In the distance, he could hear Pallidpaw's sobs and pleas, but he decided not to comment on them and pretend as if he didn't hear.
This was a vulnerable moment for the apprentice, and he wouldn't dare to even mention it out of fear that she would feel ashamed. No one should be embarrassed for showing their grief, especially during hard times like these. If anything, he was glad the young molly was able to speak her mind and rid herself of the weight on her shoulders.
It took true bravery to express one's feelings as Pallidpaw did. He smiled to himself. Minkrunner's gaze soon landed back on the pale molly as she approached, dipping his head gently and offering her a small smile. He took a second to lean over and press his nose against the cold rocks for each of his loved ones, whispering a soft farewell and a reminder of his love for them before raising to his paws, briefly pressing his shoulder against Pallidpaw's.
"Do you feel a bit better now?" He asked in the same hushed tone, as usual, tail resting comfortingly on the apprentice's back. "We can just walk along the territory if you'd like, or we can head back to camp. Anything you'd like to do I'll be fine with." A small hum, gazing back around the Sunrise cairn with a saddened smile.
It was sad how many graves there were, and how much loss WindClan had seen in its moons of existence.
It hadn't occurred to Pallidpaw that the deputy would have cats to visit here. "Yeah, I think so at least," her voice was tired and coarse from crying so much. She hated how weak she sounded and it wasn't anything new to her, sounding like a raspy little hungry kit. Completely dependent upon someone else to care for her.
"I want to keep walking the territory if you don't have things to do," she meowed a bit sheepishly. It was refreshing to be out of camp. She had spent the last day crying her eyes out in the snowy camp, suffering deeply. "Uhm...are these cats you know?" she meowed curiously. Pallidpaw examined their graves slowly, taking in the decorations as if they would tell her who laid silently below them.
The apprentice had stepped back slightly to show that she was wanting to keep walking, but not before Minkrunner got his chance to alleviate any sorrow he was holding onto. He had listened to her and tried to make her feel better, it was the least she could do to find out more about him.
The exhaustion in Pallidpaw's voice didn't slip past Minkrunner, though he was fully expecting that. Losing someone was always emotionally draining, and especially in the apprentice's case; having lost her own mother to the greed and violence of cowardly warriors, picking out their enemy as if they were mere pieces of prey. The mere thought made the deputy's blood boil, though he nodded gently at her words and offered her a brief smile.
"Of course not, patrols should be going out a lot later, so I have some time to spare." He reassured her with a lighthearted laugh, letting out a small hum as the apprentice asked about the graves; he nodded. "My family." He said softly, eyes trailing over each of the graves. "They're memorials for my parents, my mate Bunnyhop, my son Sunstrike and my daughter, Peachkit." It was painful to him to remember all of the losses he'd suffered throughout his life, but the thought of them being safe in StarClan and having a place to rest was able to put his mind at ease, even if only slightly.
He soon joined Pallidpaw's side and began walking along with her, his gait relaxed and very clearly slow, they weren't in a hurry, after all. Truth be told, being able to spend some time away from his duties and going on a walk was something that the tom appreciated, and knowing that it was helping Pallidpaw as well brought some solace to him.
His laugh made her feel momentarily comforted, but then the words that he responded with made her smile melt into an all too familiar somber expression. How terrible... did they all have to suffer so?
"I'm so sorry...how do you even recover from this?" she was not only talking about his losses but also hers. She felt so hopeless and seeing that Minkrunner had suffered all these losses only made her more afraid...she couldn't handle losing anyone else. She knew it would be too much for her to handle.
Pallidpaw walked quietly along and hoped that she hadn't crossed a line by asking him to elaborate. She always feared that she was annoying or inconveniencing someone.
A sympathetic smile crossed Minkrunner's face upon seeing the drop in Pallidpaw's expression, being able to somewhat expect that his words would have that kind of effect on the young molly. He couldn't blame her at all, either. She had a heart of gold, and it was only expected that she would feel for his losses too.
"How do I recover, hm?" He echoed, eyes lidding for a moment. Sadness flashed across his expression, but he quickly shook it away. "Well, sometimes... it can be hard. There will be tough days when you will miss them a lot, and days when you'll feel lonely, but the key for me is keeping them close to your heart at all times." The deputy said softly, gaze shifting away from the gravestones of his family and over to Pallidpaw. "It's not always easy, but remember that they will never leave you. Even if you can't see them, they're looking after you up there," he paused, glancing up at the sky with a hum.
"From StarClan, they'll always protect you." Or that's what I like to tell myself, to not lose hope. He added to himself, tail brushing gently against the grass and then resting against Pallidpaw's flank as a way to physically comfort her. "I know it isn't easy Pallidpaw, but don't rush the healing process, okay? Take all the time that you need, there's no shame in that." He said quietly, gaze softening as he looked down at the pale apprentice.
"You're a strong cat Pallidpaw, I know you are. And I'm sure your mother does, too."
With each word she felt a mix of validation and remorse that what she was feeling would never truly go away. She looked to the sky and merely watched for a moment, was she really up there? Would she be able to help her?
His kind questions made her expression soften and she nodded slowly, "Thank you...truly." Leaning forward she pressed her forehead to his chest and let out a breath. She just wanted to live in this moment of kindness and sincerity.
I'll try to be what you think I am. It's the least I can do for you...and Mom.